Saturday, April 1, 2017
Yesterday I spent a few important hours drinking tea and eating delicious frozen pizza and holding a chunky, scrumptious toddler while the bigger kids ran through the kitchen now and then, costumed and squealing. We don't see each other enough as we should, given our proximity, so we filled in the gaps since our last chat and sometimes we just sighed together.
My sense of normalcy continues to slip away.
I find it harder and harder to not venture into the rogue alleyways of my brain, where I have no easy answers and where I'm prone to lapsing into judgment then circling back around to confession, a long winding loop. I cannot help it any longer. I won't bear the lie that each of us is just fine the way we are. I know for sure I'm not. I'd rather not pretend otherwise. There's deep soulwork here waiting to be excavated. I want to wake up tomorrow a little closer to the character of God.
It sounds so good, in theory. So Christian.
In practice, it costs me things I'm not sure I want to pay.
What does God want from us? I can't say for sure, but I can promise you, He has some things in mind. Grace is free, I know this well. I'm faced with it daily. But transformation doesn't happen in a vacuum. It implies an altered state, something like a chemical reaction or the burn of a white-hot flame. If we want to change, it will cost us.
If we don't want to change, we need to look long and hard out our window and ask ourselves why.
In the end, it usually feels more comfortable to stay the same, pat each other on the backs. We're fine the way we are.
It's easier to run off to Target, or maybe to pour another glass of wine, or scroll Instagram for the seventeenth time or scoop another serving of chicken potpie into our favorite bowl. It's easier to take a nap. Eat half a sleeve of thin mints. Obsess about our bodies. Spend our time worrying about things that were only intended to improve the lives of the privileged.
I'm sorry to be such a downer, especially on a Saturday. There's been plenty of good news around here, too. The Christmas cactus is in full bloom, our favorite four-year old is here for a couple of nights, Silas keeps busting out in spontaneous prayer, Ruby won the Craftsmanship award at school, I've been making a lot of soup, Calvin went grocery shopping with me yesterday, and Cory is everything. It's the good stuff with the hard stuff. The whole two bucket thing, and I'm honored I get to live every bit of it. Soup has its own theology, you know? Sunshine and warm laundry are hope enough to burst a sturdy heart, on the right day.
I just have to wonder, what would it look like if we grew wary of comfort? What if we committed to be transformed? What if we cared even less about stuff and more about our neighbor?
I asked those questions out loud yesterday, and my friend asked her own. We stared down our own complicity and munched on discarded apple slices.
It felt good, to just say the truth out loud.
So, I'm just putting this out there - if you find yourselves asking weird or unpopular questions, I'm here for you. You can't scare me away. You can only make me feel more like a soul and less like a body and honestly, that's right where I want to be right now.
Here are a few good reads for your weekend and a wish that it would be spring in your heart.
:: This renewed my vows with wanting to cram as many people into my home as possible.
:: I desperately wish more people would get comfortable talking about pain and addiction.
:: We love spur-of-the-moment adventuring and Ashley's trip to Casey, IL is calling our name!
:: It took me a very long time to begin to understand the prayer of lament. This is piercing.
:: I just made my first-ever batch of Rice Krispie Treats (say what?!) and they're LEMON! (scroll to the end of the post)
:: We're road-tripping with friends later in the week, and I'm deeply committed to providing treats.
:: But please don't worry, because we'll also be eating lots of vegetables.
:: This month-long series on understanding immigration issues and our response is a gift in these confusing times. I'm grateful for those willing to educate us. Now is the time to learn!
:: My friend Lisa-Jo Baker's new book, Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding & Keeping Lasting Friendships, releases in just a few days! She is the perfect person to write this book, and I can't wait to dig in. You can grab your copy now for less than ten bucks and be one of the first to read.
:: Friends, Cory was monkeying around on PhotoShop and showed me this creepy, post-apocalyptic cow pic, laughing. I immediately knew it needed to be shared with you. If this doesn't make your weekend, what will?
- Flower Patch Farmgirl
(Oh yes, it's still deep within me. I blame the cow.)