Friday, October 30, 2015

Baring Some of My Ugly



Last night I dreamed I was going to my senior prom. (And yes, I’m probably breaking every social media rule by opening a blog post with that line.)

I had no date, no dress, and no fairy godmother, though Angie, my friend since 4th grade, was a worthy sub, tossing me two last-minute options — white lace with a Victorian collar and a little black dress (LBD) that disproved the theory that you can’t go wrong with an LBD.

Either way, I knew I was cooked — as misfit as muddy boots in a marble hall. I woke up disoriented, an insecure seventeen-year-old in my own home, with my husband sound asleep beside me, three kids upstairs, and crow’s feet.

Let me summarize my last month or so: I’ve been floundering, emotionally. And all roads lead back to ME.

How do people see me? Am I really who I say I am? Come on, God, can’t I be me (ish) but also more like her?

I want to write like her, dress like her, raise my children like her.

I want people to think I’m cool, but not too cool. I want it to appear that I’m far above the fray. (Though once that thought finds its home in me, am I not precisely in The Fray?)

Honestly, it’s a strange place to find myself. After navigating high school, college, and most of adulthood without the strong urge to climb out of my own skin and into another, I’m not sure what to do when the whole world sleeps and I’m still busy trying to untangle all my knots. Most of all, I’m not sure where this dormant adolescent discombobulation came from, or how to send it packing.

Or do I?

**
 I'm over at (in)courage today, where I'm pulling off the mask and getting pretty real. It'd be a relief if you'd join me over there, and if you want to yank your mask off, too? All the better. 

Click here.


5 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Normal. Beautiful. Authentic.
    Check out Falling Upward by Richard Rohr.
    Until you fail, you can't succeed.
    You're on the right road.
    My mask came off when I took training for Fire Dept. Chaplain and was appointed the post this summer.
    I had to acknowledge my flaws and make a conscious effort to change.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can relate. I struggled (still struggle) with insecurity. And in high school, it lead me into a great fog of depression. Being a people pleaser, I have never wanted to bear the thought that people were judging me or gossiping about me. And I always pursued goals for myself that I thought were good, but were actually worldly. But when I got down to it, I realized insecurity was just an ugly, deceptive form of pride.insecurities flaring up were just a cue that my filter was through myself and through the world and my sites had to be re-adjusted on Jesus and that He has and always will equip me with exactly all that I need. There will always be the judgers and the gossipers (myself included at times, unfortunately) but I must keep looking up, rather than nervously around.

    ReplyDelete
  4. this made me laugh because i read "raise my children like her" as "raise my chickens like her" but once i got my act together it made me smile because i loved it and i love you. thanks for going first!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my gosh. I do this too. The judgement, the hating that I judge, obsessing over wanting people to like me, the inferior feelings. All of it. So much I wish/want to change about my heart. I'm with you.

    ReplyDelete