Friday, September 12, 2014

Skipping Town and the Back-Story on Robert


Right now, I'm in Kansas, being helper-extraordinaire, crafting my brains out with the *actual* campers at Camp Create, and hopefully not filleting my finger with the lime knife again.

I'm sure I'll have one million things to tell you about when I return.

In the meantime, I'd like a moment of silence.

You see, today is picture day for my kiddos.
What I'm trying to say is, Cory is the only adult on the premises. On picture day.

 If you're wondering what the big hairy problem is, might I direct your memory to what happened last time. You know, the time Silas went to his recital in his pajamas.

This is why Mommy should never leave during momentous occasions or the holidays, or anytime physical appearances are a priority. Or just ever.

In the meantime, because I've got some rad and eager new readers asking questions with really long answers, I thought I'd take the opportunity to repost a few older blog posts that will hopefully help fill in some of the blanks for our new friends.

I'll see ya on the flip-side, Homies!


Bankrupt
Originally posted 8/14/2012


His neighbor's window caught my eye when I pulled up a few weeks back.  It's one thing for Robert to live there, quite another for a child. Of course, I thought of Abraham.

What sustains the human spirit? What is it that pushes up through the dirt and inspires a message to the whole world, written in reverse, all except for that pesky "S"? I wanted to know that child, take her for a walk, have her teach me something about contentment and joy.

He walks out of the building and over to my van, all swagger and falling-off pants. He might fool them, but I wouldn't know how, because when he smiles you see clean through the tattoos and the put-on scowl, or at least I do. I see the boy, the Abraham, the one who might have scrawled his own Ode to Joy on a window a few years ago.

We drive to a house a few blocks down, where cops creep through at intervals, where people smoke on front stoops and babies toddle down the sidewalk in droopy pampers.

They scream at him from the porch, each insult more toxic than the last. He loads the van, loads the van. He doesn't say a word, won't play along, and their hatred grows. So they amp it up. He splits down the middle, his protective shell falling away at both sides. He screams back, hurls the ugly over the heads of smudge-cheeked children and right back at them.

I might have done the same, if the whole world was just a tiny bit different.

So I commend him for his self-control. I'm impressed. I mean it. You're better than that. You have skills they don't have. We believe you can do anything. And there he is again, that beautiful child that maybe only I see. He laughs and jokes. We pass the defunct pie shop and I swoon all over again about the signage, so perfectly blue and chippy. "You're so white", he laughs. I shrug.

His apartment is a sitcom waiting to be filmed. It's full of so much crazy, so much reckless emoting, so much masked pain. I love them. Each one of them. They're beautiful and wild and tender and frail and I want to keep them forever as my friends.

I drive home a few hours later, brim-full of the life he shows me. I find more of God every time I'm with him. Isn't that strange? He doesn't even know God. Doesn't want to. But God is there. He's right there in that crappy apartment with all the people who believe they're nothing. He's there in their arbitrary rage. He's with the ones with the dull eyes, the yellow teeth. He's with the ones who shine in spite of it all. They are His people, and I see Him in their midst.

***

I sit two rows behind him, boring holes through his shoulders, his neck, his growing-out afro. It's two weeks later. I listen, but only half-way. I've heard it all before. I know what those papers say and to be honest, I just don't care that much.

He tries to raise his right hand, but it's chained to his left. He won't turn around. He won't look my way.

But I've got all day, I've got forever, so I just keep looking. I won't miss my chance. And so, he looks. We lock eyes and I wink, because it's all I can do. I wink and I smile my smallest smile and he watches me, takes it in.

His lips twist to the side and he shrugs his shoulders. I'll spend the rest of the week deciphering the gesture. I don't know what it meant, but I have my ideas.

They lead him out in pants six inches too short, his slippered-feet barely able to shuffle. His shame is the cinder block of the walls, the concrete of the floors, the drab of the polyester, the bite of the shackles. It trails behind him, emanates from him. It's something real, something I could reach out and shove. It's the thing that killed his light.

So I'm the mom in the courtroom, the one who doesn't care so much about what was said, the one not dumb enough to believe it's not bad, because it's awful. But that's my "son" heading back to jail. He's only eighteen. They'll keep him for a very long time.

I don't know who he'll be when he comes back out. This boy was never a criminal. He was the one I would nudge, through the sheer force of my will, to prove everyone wrong. He was the one who would write the book someday, the one who would show all the other Abrahams that it didn't have to be that way.

One mistake changed all of that and now I'll talk to him through a video screen. I'll show up for his hearings, because no one else will. No one. I'll write letters and I'll pray that the light comes back. I'll miss him and I'll mourn his tonight, his tomorrow, and all of his future. My heart will break in shock-waves.

And I'll hope.

PS - This post (and the links in the post) will fill in almost everything else you missed on how Robert came into our family. 

7 comments:

  1. i read (re-read) everything...such a great and inspiring story! How are all the babies? And Haven?

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    1. I'm way overdue on a post about this. Stay tuned! :)

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  2. Oh I remember reading this and feeling like it was exactly, exactly our story with Sabo. So glad to have someone who gets it, I love you friend!

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  3. the size of your heart astounds me over and over and over again. i had never read the whole robert backstory. and i love you even more for it now that i have. for the love of all that is good, please write a book. i mean, at this point i'm not sure why you haven't. i will buy 16 copies and i will hand them out to strangers. WRITE A BOOK OR ELSE I WILL PICK YOU UP AT THE AIRPORT IN A HAT.

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  4. Keep it in mind....there is always picture retake day!! Enjoy!

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  5. picture day. so we just had ours, and in my defense it was during the first week of school, and who has their act together the first week of school? that entire string of days should just not count. i have no idea what my kids wore that day, but i find solace in the fact that they have strictly designated categories of clothing in their closets, and they for sure walked out the door in garb pre-approved as "school clothes." also, at nine, L does her own hair, by which i mean she sometimes remembers to comb it. so it couldn't be half bad, right?

    also. i've probably read that post about R fourteen times already, but the part where you keep looking--i know it's coming, but it gets me every time. love you to smithereens.

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  6. Very beautiful and powerful. Need to share a moment I had. The first time I read this:
    "He loves you.
    He knows your capacity to turn away, and it does not scare Him.
    He wants to take your shards and chuck them into the sea."
    I thought it said "he wants to take your hands and chuck them into the sea". I was horrified and tickled at the same time.
    So glad that's not what you said!
    Have a blessed day - you've sure blessed mine.

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