Wednesday, February 5, 2014

This One Here


I don't know.

I had lots of other things to say, and one of the main things is that Robert moved out tonight and I didn't get all weird and emotional and isn't that strange and unexpected?

But what I'm finding is, don't count your chickens before they hatch.
Don't count those boys before they fly the coop.

I'm trying to forgive him for being SO excited. I keep flashing back to the day mom and dad dropped me off at college and I hardly hugged them. I just ran off, so excited to be there (and so boy crazy, but whatever.) I wonder if they felt a bit slighted?

I keep coming down to, no. Probably not. Their whole goal in life was to get us ready to be out in the world. Maybe they were a bit nostalgic, but I have to feel like that's a slightly better place to be than dropping someone off who is sobbing uncontrollably or puking on the steps (like Calvin did on his 2nd day of pre-school.)

So, I get why he's excited. Before all of this happened, he had his own apartment with a roommate named Solo. As in, the cup.

Incidentally, all these young'ns have street names. I so want to tell you his... Hold on and I'll ask...

Okay, we've got clearance!
His street name is/was(?) Ruby. I mean...RUBY. So weird! So awesome and rad!

But as I was saying, he's lived on his own basically since he was 12.
Does that put the past 6 months into any kind of perspective?

*Christmas Morning*
Cash from their big brother

And now this chapter is over and I'm feeling a bit verklempt but I'm also knowing it will likely only get worse. I'll manage. I'll be okay. But for now, it's hard to wrap my head around it.

It was hard work, for every single one of us. We grew and learned how to be better humans together.

But WE DID IT!

I'm proud of us.
And I'm SO proud of him.

Since he was here, he got a full-time job (that he is kill-ing), got his driver's license, got a car, got a raise, and now, got his own place. He also got his GED in prison (woo hoo!!) and seems to have at least partially won over his grumpy community corrections case worker, although that just might be my bias talking.

This guy, he's just on it. We've put him through his paces, forcing him to adjust to all kinds of weird family situations and various forms of torture like budgeting and cleaning the shower. We've made him really mad and he's held it together. He's made us really mad, and we've worked it all out. This is family, guys. This is it.

There's been so much beauty and goodness. So much raw emotion. So much to learn.
 There have been a good handful of apologies (mostly mine, just keeping it real.)
 This is my favorite text thread in the history of the world:

Me: As luck would have it, you got a mom who can be moody and selfish sometimes. I'm sorry.
Him: As luck would have it u got a son who's parents taught him a thing or two about forgiveness.

Me: Your text did NOT make me cry. fyi.

Him: Cry baby

I just love him, that's all.

I can't stop thinking about all we would have missed if we'd been too scared, if we'd listened to the people who said it was risky or a bad idea. I'm so grateful God somehow told us the truth about things, and that we only listened to Him. He was so right.

*Christmas Morning* 
He got socks, sweatpants, fancy shower gel (from the Dented Can haha), a case of Mt. Dew and a case of apple juice boxes.


I sort of hated hearing him leave for work every morning at 5:25 (he was very quiet, I'm just a freakishly light sleeper) but this morning, the last time it will ever happen, I realized that I actually love it. And I didn't even know! I'll miss it, (even when he comes back inside for something and the door squeaks twice, but who's keeping track at 5:25 in the ayem? Not this lady.)

It's ridiculously crazy to process that he's not down in the basement right now shouting and cackling into his phone. If I go into the toy room right now, I won't hear remnant cackles coming up through the heat vent. He won't come bounding up the steps in just a second looking for food and kiss the top of my head en route to the fridge.

Am I being really dramatic? You can be honest.
It's just that he has been here every single minute of the past 6 months except for four hours on Sundays. He's been our live-in guard dog, holding down the fort for us, tucked in on the couch watching Netflix when we come in late on a Saturday night. I literally have not been alone in this home for, yes, the past 6 months.

Clearly, I need to go process this alone for a while, lest this post further deteriorate into a list of all the things I have or haven't done in the past 6 months. "No wifi for the past 6 months!",  "I've never bought more ketchup than I have in the past 6 months!" etc...

I'm sure I'll have more to say.

But I'm his mom and my nerves already feel jangled.
Send prayers and salsa.

50 comments:

  1. Yeah! Robert! SO excited for him and for you. He's spreading his wings and we're celebrating! I'm sure you'll adjust to the quiet in time (or maybe you'll just find someone else to take his apt. in the basement next). It might be habit forming living like this. Whatever, I've heard from my own mom that you never stop feeling like the mom no matter how old they get or how much they don't need you. That's good. Family is good.

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  2. Oh sweet heaven, what a post! Crying! I think the world of you (well, several worlds worth at least!)

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  3. What a wonderful post!!! So many new experiences on the horizon for Robert! I hope he goes and does amazing things with his life!!! I believe he will.

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  4. I believe God has really great things in store for Robert. REALLY GREAT THINGS! I can't wait to see where life takes him! : ).

    One of my favorite kids is also street named Solo! I kid you not. That must have been way cool like 16 years ago when they were naming each other!

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  5. Well you may not be crying but I sure am! Well done family, well done.

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  6. so glad you weren't scared. beautiful bond!
    excited for him, and sending up prayers and salsa for you :)

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  7. Bawling like a baby…a cry baby! Go Robert!!!

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  8. This post makes me smile so much.
    Go Robert! =)

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  9. I feel a bit verklempt myself, but oh so proud of all of you!

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  10. May God bless Robert, spread His arms of protection all about him and cover him with His amazing grace. And may He continue swinging your doors open for years to come telling you how God is changing his life for the good and for God's Kingdom. Thank you for loving Robert and allowing us to be a small part of his life through you. Let him know that he is being prayed for ...as you all are! Hang in there!

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  11. Sitting here cheering for all of you! (Quietly cheering -it's almost midnight at my house.)

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  12. Goodness you! You. I don't pray, really. But I am doing my intentional, loving, hippie boogy for this whole beautiful thing. xoxoxoxo

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  13. I love this. My screen is all blurred and I cannot figure out why.. ;) Thank you so much for sharing about Robert on here- I have loved following along and seeing God's love shouted right out through your words. It helped so much when my foster sister came- here is a post that I just wrote about how that's going! Praying for all of you!! http://walkingacrookedpath.blogspot.ca/2014/01/lessons-from-unexpected-treasure.html

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  14. You are amazing. And so is he. That's all I have to say. Oh, yeah - and this: THANK YOU for doing all of this so very well - being honest, loving all your kids and writing it out for us to share. Just stellar.

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  15. New chapter...New memories...Tears and more tears to come with Joy and more Joy. Thinking of you and praying peace that surpasses all understanding and abundant joy in New adventures

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  16. i've been a-praying for this particular day and all hearts involved. the best news is that God goes before and beside and behind us all, and He's never lost a single one of us. love you.

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  17. This is a wonderful post. God's continued blessings on Robert as he goes out into the world, being his own kind of light for God. Robert has accomplished so much and that is fantastic.

    You are all blessed to have had this time together as a family.

    And, how cool is his street name. Totally amazing!!!

    Love and hugs to all of you ~ FlowerLady

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  18. Prayers headed to the throne for you! What a journey you have had/are having. I'll be praying for the other three kiddos, too, because I know it's going to be hard for them. Chin up.

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  19. Amazing - all that you have shared in the last 6 months...letting go is hard, since it probably seems that he just got there, but watching him soar will be the best part. So grateful to have been following along. Thanks!

    Cheryl @ The Creative Me and My McG

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  20. He has so much to be proud of! Hang in there, Mama!

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  21. I needed to read this and feel some solidarity with you this morning. I don't think you can compare Robert moving out to your parents dropping you at college because they had you for so much longer. I'm facing a similar struggle this week with the decision to enroll my three year old (who I've only had for 9 months) in preschool. I know he'd love it, I know he's ready, but I'M not ready and I've cried three times just thinking about it. When you gain someone precious to you somewhat late in the game, I think it feels natural to grab hold and keep them for yourself for a bit.
    But- it's so exciting to hear about Robert's awesome progress and to imagine what he has ahead. Maybe I should go ahead and project some of that excitement onto my own situation :)

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  22. Oh, Shannan - wow! Praying big prayers for y'all! (The text didn't make me cry, either ;-). ) Way to go, Robert! So proud of you! xo

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  23. Oh hun, I will send my prayers for you over these next couple of days! Each day will bring another memory lost but turn that around and try to smile, being glad you have that memory for always. :-) I know as for us being foster parents we went through our share of in and outs but now the good Lord has placed the 2 boys with is forever and maybe even our little girl. HE will get your through, well HIM, salsa and a good book! :-) Thanks for sharing your heart today.

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  24. Being dramatic??? Heck NO!! This is big stuff man!!! A part of your heart is moving out and that's hard stuff, excited, right or not, it's.just.plain.hard! Let yourself be a little sad or verklempt, whatever you need and then trudge forward into this new chapter and figure out how to keep in regular contact with him so it feels right again. I've started having Sunday Family Dinners, its something and at least for a few hours, all seems right with our world. I get to see my guy and the kids have their big bro back and life is great!!

    You are such an amazing encouragment....I know its been messy and less than perfect but seriously what isn't? Big Congratulations to Ruby, I mean, er Robert!!!! I'm sure he's going to rock the new place and new life! Sending Love and Prayers to you all!!!

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  25. Oh Shannan this post has broken my heart but in such a good way. I'm so happy for you and more than happy for Robert. You've all worked hard and more importantly you got out of the way so that God could do His work and put this family together according to His vision. I'm proud of Robert and I believe God has a hand on his life. He's going to do well, I can feel it. He will make mistakes as we all do and pick himself up, dust himself off and start again. That is life after all but he has a whole different perspective on things now. He's got family and that changes everything.

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  26. Having sent two of my own out into the wild, blue yonder I know from whence you are coming. My heart simultaneously breaks and swells. You both are in my prayers.

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  27. What a beautiful thing. Eternally beautiful.

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  28. I wish for you that you would have more time together, but I know from experience that it doesn't make the parting any less painful. You had to cram a lot of living/learning/teaching into a short time. 'As luck would have it', the loving part goes on forever.

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  29. God so knows what He's doing. Y'all make a great team and you are blessed to have each other. Hugs, prayers, and virtual salsa to you, dear lady!

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  30. I just don't even know how to respond to you, your posts, your life, your words, your humor, your salsa cravings, your, your, your.... You bless my heart. You make me laugh. You make me tear up. You challenge me. You make my mind think out of the box. The Lord uses you my friend.

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  31. As far as what people said when you took Robert, we adopted a baby who was severely burned. We got "She is going to be a lot of work." First, I'm not so stupid I didn't know that. Second, how compassionate of them them-not. You gave Robert TRUE love. More importantly, you did what you felt Jesus wanted and not what people wanted. And yes, Robert is being normal and maybe he will never really appreciate what you did until he is an old man. : - )

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  32. I understand the happy, joyous feeling and the sad, heavy feeling that simultaneously comes when one of our birdies fly out of the nest. There will be beauty in this next phase you can't even imagine right now, but it's sure to come. HE is your help and his help through this phase of the journey : )

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  33. You have been true blessings to each other. What a gift. Enjoy!

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  34. i know what you're experiencing. my son is 600 miles away, having moved out to go to college in August. you are right that it doesn't get easier, but i think that's really normal. what i find really hard is the not knowing. what is he eating? is he showering? is he getting to know new people? is he sleeping enough? WHAT is he doing?! when they come and go from your house, at least you can get eyes on them and get a read. i hope you get to have that more often and sooner than i will. mine's an only, so this is good and right on schedule and all that, but still, it's hard to stop the motherly instincts from coming.

    i'm glad he is where he is, and i can tell you are feeling the same. just hang on to the sane part of your brain for now; it'll help calm down the emotional side.

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  35. I love this Shannan. And I love that you have shared this piece of your life with me (us). I think I said that before.
    But I mean it, again and again.

    Thank you for being not just a hearer but a doer. That's my favorite kind of person. I pray that I can be a doer too!

    Love to you and your family and all of these big/exciting/sad/bittersweet/wonderful changes.

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  36. That's so awesome for you and Robert!! Congratulations!

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  37. Congratulations to Robert! What a remarkable love story. I got a bit weepy reading it. Wishing him only the best life has to offer. You've done well.

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  38. It sounds like you have packed a whole lot of love into six months....way to go....
    I hope Robert flies and that you find peace with him going...not easy when our kids fly the nest is it....

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  39. Your journey with Robert makes me all teary all the time. With lots of laughs thrown in for relief.

    Why? Because GOD IS SO GOOD! HE IS SO FAITHFUL! He totally shoves us into the scary, unimaginable unknown where we all we have is dirty hair and a few hugs to throw out there. But He steps in. He shows up. He draws us so much closer to Him through it all.

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  40. Beauty for ashes. Isa 61:3. Read it - Ponder it! This is what I thought about as I read this post and thought of you and your Robert. What could have been.... is not what is. You have JOY not mourning. PRAISE not despair. ALL to display HIS splendor! There is so much beauty in Robert's redemption story and this is only the beginning. So, so, so cool.

    My 4 have flown the nest......... I feel your heaviness. But just wait.......... it's gonna be so good! Sit back and just watch what God does.

    Melissa

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  41. "I can't stop thinking about all we would have missed if we'd been too scared, if we'd listened to the people who said it was risky or a bad idea. I'm so grateful God somehow told us the truth about things, and that we only listened to Him. He was so right."

    This. This. Beautiful.

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  42. Beautifully expressed; the love, the surrender and trust in Jesus. And well done Robert!

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  43. Gosh. The most sobering part for me is thinking about what you would have missed had you listened to others and not to Jesus. Another sobering thought for me to ponder this morning is wondering what kind of voice I would have been in your life. I HOPE like everything I would have been one of the ones telling you to listen to God.

    Your family is beautiful. Surely, he'll come over regularly for family meals? How close will he be to y'all?

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    1. Girl, he can't come over at all! He's still on house arrest.
      That's one of the things that makes this so hard!
      We can go see him, and we will...but I'll miss him here at our table and on our couch. :)

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  44. Oh but it's so exciting! For both of you! You will love when he comes home to visit and you have to be proud to know how much you've accomplished in the last 6 months too. P.S. I had a dream about Calvin last night. It was just such a random thing but I woke up smiling because of it.

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    1. I LOVE your dream! That Calvin is a keeper. :)

      And sadly, R can't come to visit for at least a year. He's still on house arrest. :(
      But we can go see him at his little place. And I'll be doing his laundry. haha

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  45. I originally left this on an old post but because I am a desperate woman with naked windows I thought I would try posting it again here-------Hi! I have to say I have zero idea of how blogs work or if it will let you know you have a comment on an old blog post, but I simply can not leave a comment about blinds under your most current and beautiful (as always) post. So, I tried to find one resembling what I need to ask you about and found a post on curtains. We are looking for exactly the kind of blinds you have in your living room and haven't had much luck. I found some very similar ones at Lowes but they said those particular ones will not come without a valance- which I do not want and it doesn't look like you have. So, that is my loooong winded way of asking if you could tell me where you got your blinds from. All that aside, I LOVE, LOVE your blog. You are such an inspiration in so many ways and I'm embarrassed my first comment on here was about blinds because I have cried several times reading your always beautifully written posts on all things life and God and love related. In fact I just signed up for AIM tonight or I would have posted many a time before ( I have an aversion to all things technical). But thank you for any help you can provide, it would be much appreciated!

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