Friday, January 3, 2014

A Dilemma Involving Pants


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If you wonder why I've been posting at odd hours recently, it's because I've been practicing my special gift of Wasting Entire Days. I am legendarily good at this, even without much practice. And I don't at all mind admitting that for two days straight, I slept until 9:45.

Morning people? I don't get you. I never will. So, please don't tell me in the comments things like, "I wish I could sleep in, but I can't!" Here's a tip from a girl who knows a thing or two about this: You could if you were wired as a night owl from birth. You could if you went to bed every single night after midnight, stirred multiple times due to any of the following: stirring kids, stirring cat, sinus issues, toddler-sized bladder, ridiculous and/or stressful dreams; and then "woke up for the day" approximately 6.5 hours after you started.

This is a cross I have to bear.

I'm slightly, chronically sleep deprived.
I'm a girl who prefers to stay up late and sleep in later.

We can still be friends. I'm almost positive.

Here's some exciting news: I have $50 of Christmas cash burning a hole in my pocket. This hasn't happened in a very long time.

I've been stewing over what to spend it on and every idea I throw out, I follow with, "But once I spend it, I won't have it anymore." And then Cory wrings his hands and shakes his head and simply says nothing at all. Because it's all been said so many times before.

I just like knowing I have something waiting. I get a strange thrill over thinking about a good thing and, even thought actually having the good thing might classify as even better, it's not a risk I'm willing to take. I like to drag these things out.

To that end, I window-shopped the J Crew clearance sale last night at 1 a.m. I put 5 things in my cart, whittled it down to 4, hunted down my tape measure and clocked my waist and hips, whittled it down to 3, then real-quick shut the whole thing down and went to bed, because I can probably live without royal blue cords and tuxedo chinos. And once I spend it, I won't have it anymore

Then I couldn't fall asleep.

You might not know this or care, but J Crew has grown decidedly strange in recent years. It's all too fancy and way too expensive. I think I remember hearing there was a brouhaha over Jenna Lyons trying to make J Crew more couture and less accessible.

But the clearance is an extra 40% off right now. 
She must hate that so bad.

I thumped my pillow, then flipped it over and started from scratch. I thought of a few different things I could wear with the things I had just pretended to buy, but had failed to actually buy. So I nudged Cory around 2 a.m. and said, "I'm going to do my usual thing of - if it's still there in the morning, it'll be a sign, and I'll buy it." He snorted awake and said that sounded like a good idea, but I feel like he may not have really meant it.

Then I said the other thing I sometimes say. It's eerily similar to the first thing I sometimes say. "But if I spend my cash, then I can't go blow it on dumb impulse buys at Target." He didn't weigh in on that one.

The main problem was, the tuxedo stripe chinos had a warning. "Only a few left!"

I fell asleep, waking several times over the dark hours due to the cat and a terrifying dream that Robert lost his job and tried to tell me he couldn't get another job until he was treated for post-partum depression. "It happens to Dads, too."

I finally fell into a good rhythm sometime around 6:30 and woke up officially at 9:45. But now I'm just repeating myself.

I came down, had a quiet bowl of Cocoa Puffs, then fired up J Crew again.

This time, only 2 items made it into my cart, because I somehow grew more discerning overnight while I wasn't really sleeping, and do I really need another gray t-shirt, even if it does have both stripes and dots?

But today's big problem? I homed in on the disclaimer, "Final sale! Items cannot be returned or exchanged!" Because the truth is, yes, it's increasingly hard to find pants that fit, and yes, I had several outfit ideas involving both items in my basket (Hayley would be so proud!), but at the end of the day, I don't know for sure what size I am in J Crew land.

Complicating matters was the fact that the cords were sized in those weird 20's sizes and the tuxedo striped chinos were sized in the passe, American way. Further complicating matters was the moment when I realized that technically, I had two different sized pairs of pants in my basket.

Which size am I?
I DON'T KNOW! That's the problem!

And if I'm being honest, the total with shipping clocks in at $70, which I'm sure we can float that extra $20, but there's that whole "If they don't fit you can't return them" thing.

So I shut it down. AGAIN.

But there's also the whole "No one in the universe except J Crew carries my size of pants. Not even Gap, anymore, and yes, I'm still sort of bitter."

I'm so sorry to bring you into all of this.
It really wasn't my intention.

You might say this falls under the heading "First World Problems", but I would counter that it really falling under the sub-heading "This House is Too Deliciously Quiet and I Have Too Much Time on my Hands Problems" with the sub-sub-heading "All My Current Pants Are Old and Saggy and Have Holes in Unfortunate Places".

Maybe I should check and see if both things are still there. Right now. And if they are, then it's an actual, official sign. Hold on...

Uh-oh.
Oh man.

Such a gamble.

TO BE CONTINUED...



* What I normally wear. I also have a dilemma involving shoes...