Tuesday, November 12, 2013

small



If I'm completely honest, I forget my calling sometimes.
Often, in fact.

I'm prone to turning the right thing into something bigger or glitzier than it was ever meant to be.
I feel the need to shine things up a bit. I over-analyze, plumb weird situations for deeper meaning, twist my back turning a phrase into something that will resonate, something that will be remembered. (And by "remembered" I mean "retweeted", of course.)

I'm a thinker and a doer, but on top of that I'm also a writer and a human.
It can get a little sketchy.

I share the urge to be noticed, applauded, adored, high-fived, respected and admired. The problem is, I'm starting to see with tack-sharp clarity the true beauty of feeling forgotten and ignored sometimes, of living a life that makes people scratch their heads before walking away, of flinging my inadequacies at one who manages to make use of them.

God has humbled me so many times in the past couple of years and despite my fervent insistence that I've gotten the memo, He keeps carrying on with His bad self, sizing me up against all He is, proving His greatness in ways that command my attention.

What on earth would happen if I began to truly believe Christ doesn't need me noticed or worthy? What would become of me if I loosened my grip on my reputation and simply stayed low to the ground, doing what He asked without bouncing every possible outcome off my oversaturated opinion of myself?

It's really hard to value less "stuff" in a world of more.
It feels almost impossible to value less me in the face of platforms, followers, pageviews, and pins.

But I believe what He said, that He is much in my little, that the way to more Him is paved with less me. I've lived a life that tempted me to believe I was pretty awesome, so responsible, smart, and savvy. I'm terrified of going back, yet I can't stop looking over my shoulder.

So, this is what I pray right now, with knocking knees: God, keep me small. Let me never taste enough success to believe I earned it. Let my life continue to confuse people. Keep me stammering, fumbling, walking in reverse. 

It's so tempting to turn around and wish for a lie. I do it all the time.

But He shows me, every single day, why this is right. He does trick math with my weaknesses from center stage and loves me through my doubting. I keep on seeing how all the fame is His.

I want more of that.

I want to live small.

**

My rad belt-buckle key-chain was a gift from my friend Becky. You can get yours here but only through November 20th, so better get moving! (Her shop will reopen again in February.) Use the code Shannan15 for 15% off any purchase through the 20th.