Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Ever Fond

I don't understand much about a pre-schooler who makes such hard work of frowning at the camera and drinking in the world around him from a half-empty glass. I feel like there could be an easier way, or at least a different way, one that didn't spend us both up before lunchtime.

I don't know all there is to know about lashing out at the ones you love most, but I do know a little. I know more than I'd like to admit. I know that when a day doesn't fall my way I glare at my husband, standing right there, trying his best to balance the universe for me. I know that when my night is too short, I don't laugh along with my little clowns in the morning, even though I know it would be the best way to send them into their day. 

I know other things, too.

I know when this baby arrived with his bowl cut and the saddest eyes, he didn't know how to hold our hand and if we put our arm around him, he'd reach back and pluck it off like a tick.

I know he fought for all the love he lost in the only way a baby can, by refusing, for a very long time, to love us back.

I know the sound of a tiny heart breaking.

I know healing comes with scabs and sometimes it's hard for a child not to pick at them, tear them clean off.

I know God requires a lot of us sometimes, but I don't understand this kind of bravery.

I know that spinning love from loss and weaving a family out of remnants is work more cut out for a pioneer, and I know I've never had the mettle for the hard life.

But little hands can learn to hold on and so can weak hearts.

A mama and her little love can teach each other things while they wage war between everything they lost and this right here.

I still don't understand his fake frown when the shutter clicks, but I'm starting to see it as an inside joke. He tried not to be happy here for such a long time, and maybe it feels silly to conjure up the past once the light has cut through the middle.

Our baby has been in Ohio for a few days, just him and Charles and two of his biggest cheerleaders, his Grandma and Papaw.

I worried about how he would do by himself, without the security blanket of Calvin and Ruby. I thought he might be grief stricken without me. (See how far we've come?)

But he laughed the whole way there then asked if he could stay for "21 days". 
He wanted to sleep in my old bed because it smells like me, but when I called he was usually too busy pretending to be a kitty cat to talk.
He tucked himself into a life he sometimes thinks he was meant for - one where all of the attention is his.

Meanwhile, I missed my friend.
I also got a great many things done in record time and lazed around a bit.

He's not here, and my heart is every bit as fond.

The four of us took a long bike ride last night, longer than he could manage. We ate burritos in relative peace and I didn't miss the drama or the angst.

But I did miss my honey boy.

He cried his eyes out when we called last night, then wiped them dry and got back to his business, but it did my heart good to. All of it.

We've come full circle. We're lapping our old hurts, leaving some of them in the dust.
A break was needed for all of us and memorable for different reasons.

But it's time to bring home our Siley Pie, because we can't be a family without him

PS - Just got this amazing scarf from fashionABLE, hand-woven in Ethiopia. We had our 2nd Google chat last night and it's almost July, which means I'll be flying before I know it! Screeeeeeeam!!!!! I'm getting so excited for our #blogABLE trip.

PSS - Did I ever tell you about my travel-mates? Can't even wait to do this thing with them. They're so stylish and rad. See for yourself!


  1. thank you for this post. it hit my heart in such a weary spot. battling with hopelessness in our family and i just needed to hear these words. thank you!

  2. thank you for this. amen.

    p.s. you're a babe

  3. The pic of Siley looking up at his mama showed pure love and adoration! You're doing it just right!

  4. when charles has his back, homeboy has it made. he can look all sorts of tough if he wants. and cute. all at the same time.

  5. I love that smiley Siley picture.

  6. we will have so much to talk about when you get back.

  7. Oooh I love the way you rock that scarf!

    I miss Si.

  8. Attachment fun at all. Still praying and hoping our sweet boy of nearly 16 years learns to trust that our love is forever, no matter what.

  9. "I know God requires a lot of us sometimes, but I don't understand this kind of bravery."
    best statement of the day of the week and possibly the month.

  10. i love how he adoringly gazes at you.

    it is fascinating how kids are wired: my daughter is sunny and cheerful and easy to please. my son... not so much. zacky is like silas, a glass half empty kind of guy. he is prone to be more anxious, considers worst case scenarios, and wants to know every single detail IN ADVANCE. i wonder if and when God might change that in him. i am glad your siley was (for the most part) enjoying his time away.

    you look gorgeous with your scarf. as it happens, i have been needing to buy my bff a gift, so this product is being touted at a perfect time. i got her the meseret and was highly tempted to get your genet for myself. it's beautiful.

  11. Thank you for the post and for the Silas Day 1 post. It is as if you are blogging about my life and are so wonderfully putting my feelings to words.

  12. Love your scarf, CANNOT wait for your trip!!! Ahhh ... did you know my design was the runner up for this one? So close to seeing it come to life /// mine was the one on the bottom right. Love the version that one too, but you know that feeling ... so close ...! At least I saw a picture of Karen Walron wearing it at Alt! I was there ... but missed that part somehow (smacks forehead) and never got to see it in person.

    Anyway, you know how I feel about you and your littles. That goes without saying. Much love, much love.

    1. I had no idea! LOVE your design! Truly, beautiful!

  13. That picture needs a frame pronto!

    So happy you have each other.

    Can't wait to hear more about YOUR TRIP!!!!

  14. I love the almost frown in the first picture because somehow you can almost see the grin underneath - and then there it is in the second picture where he looks up at you and obviously to you. Sigh...

  15. SO cute. Both of you. How can you even handle his smootchability factor?!?

    Happy you guys got a bit of time and space. I'm a big fan of little chunks of space from the littles. I have a 3.5 year old who thinks he rules the house. Mercy. We need space from him occasionally, and then I have grace for parenting his strong personality again. :)

    And--your trip?! It sounds amazing!!! Excited for you!! xoxo

  16. I love FashionAble, started by young dynamic couple from my church. Was working in a shop where I could promote their sales, but no longer have that job. You are doing such a good job as a loving mom, and walking in faith!

  17. So excited to hear about your upcoming trip to Ethiopia. I visited there in 2011 and had hoped to visit fashionABLE but couldn't fit it in. I'm jealous! Just wanted to recommend that you visit the Addis Abba Fistula hospital and ALERT hospital for TB and Leprosy. The fistula hospital gives tours. There is a lovely documentary called A Walk to Beautiful that you can watch online. I highly recommend doing so before you leave for Africa. The ALERT hospital has a great shop onsite with handicrafts made by the patients. One of my favorite experiences was sitting in a metal outdoor room and having the patients teach me how to spin wool and crotchet. It was soul changing.

    Hope you have an amazing time!

  18. you are endlessly amazing. love you lots. x