Monday, May 13, 2013

What We Did - Episode I



Sleep - Eat - Sun - Eat - Sun - Eat - Sleep.

Repeat.

That's pretty much what we did for four straight days.

Thanks for reading!

Goodnight!

Nevermind. I'm not done yammering.
If you know one thing about me, it's that I'm highly gifted and exceptionally talented at dragging out the simple and mundane and exhausting all of you with my incessant jaw-flapping. Just be glad it's not the 60's and you're here at my house where I've already set up the slide show. You know I would be that girl.

Here's where I'd like to start: What is it about vacation? What is it about sitting around reading books in the sun? I kept thinking - couldn't I just do this at home? For free?

The answer is - Nope.

Day after day I lounged in my chair and marveled at the vast completeness of the white space in my mind. No errands. No doctor's appointments. No grim hour of doom (aka homework). No meals to cook, laundry to fold. No alarms. Heck, no emails! All I had to do was roll myself out of bed, yank on my swimming suit, and walk a few paces to the pool, where I parked my rear and stuck my nose in a book.

Sometimes I multi-tasked and ate an apple while I read.
It was altogether freeing.

Just go on a kidless vacation. I dare you.

And I highly recommend going with another couple. I don't know, it just works. But it's imperative - imperative! - that you have similar ideas about vacationing.

In our case: lazy/lazy. Boom.

(Although Timi did dare to run one morning and they both took a couple of real, bonafide "walks", so they're on probation. We had no choice. Just following the rules.)

The other benefit of going with friends is you don't have to ask the waitress to take a blurry photo of you and your honey. You can just ask Andy! This is Andy's trade-mark. Somehow he always ends up focusing on the gigantic bottle of rum instead of our faces.

Try #2 was better. I can't remember the precise configuration, but I like this shot. I look dainty and shorter than my husband, like normal wives.

Okay, this next montage is important for a few reasons.
#1: It highlights the exact moment that I fell dangerously in love with mocha almond fudge ice cream. (Timi got coffee instead, which is a double-dipped infraction if ever there was one.)
#2: The most hilarious conversation was happening just across the sidewalk from us.

It looks like we're talking about something really...interesting...and funny. In reality I kept saying, "I'm eavesdropping right now. Look natural." "I can't focus on what you're saying because that guy is talking about METH! Out loud! Keep talking. Look natural."

Right about now the guy-in-question was screaming into his phone, "She tries to act like she's so tough and like she can do so many push-ups and pull-ups. I said to her, 'You think you can do more push-ups than me????! Well, that's not fair because I weigh more than you. So duh! You wanna make it a real contest, you lay on my back while I do 20 push-ups then I'll lay on your back while YOU do 20 push-ups.' Heh heh heh!"

Then, within a fraction of a second, the conversation took a dangerous turn for the creepy and gross and we spent the rest of the trip mentally scrubbing our brains with Clorox.


The whole scene took place just outside Cuban Paradise, fyi. Apparently hand-rolled cigars are noteworthy. Who knew?

BREAKING NEWS: That is the man! See his knees and his dog leash? Doesn't he look harmless enough with his nondescript middle-aged calves and suspicious USPS-knock-off button-down? He's not! Not harmless! Also, he has no sensitivity for the public air waves. He bellowed his dirty laundry into his phone for all the world to hear. He gives flip-phoners a bad name, that one.

PS - I don't know why I'm making that look, except that Cory said I looked like I was throwing a gang sign with my cone and instinctively his comment threw me into this face, favored for facebook profile pics by many of the youngish urban girls we know and love. And yes, I know gangs aren't funny.

But sometimes they are. Like when an almost 40-year-old mom thinks she has even the slightest clue about them in her maxi skirt with her mocha almond fudge.

But mostly - not funny. You're right.

To Do:
Research the complex relationship between cigar shops and large statues of Native American chiefs.

(I only know this is a "thing" because of that one episode of Seinfeld where they Indian-give the Indian statue. And now this.)

Okay, I still have 10 photos left to painstakingly detail and I'm only on day 1. I can't even handle the stress of my job right now! This always happens. I tell myself no one really cares about my vacation and that I should just choose my favorite 3-5 shots and be on my way. (Of course you're more astute than I and you know I'm immune to reason so you probably saw this coming.)

Stay tuned for parts II-VIII.

Until then, I'll leave you with one parting shot:

I'm sorry.
They begged to be commemorated. They terrified me.

Claw feet, my friends.

Claw.

Feet.


33 comments:

  1. hahaha I love you. Well mostly, besides the fact that I'm insanely jealous of your kid-less beach vacation with friends.

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  2. I would come and sit through your slideshow. Oh yes I would. And guess what? Even though you are like 10 pounds and I am like 1000, I would steal that skirt because does it have an elastic waist? I would pull and shimmy into that maxi skirt if it was the last thing I ever did. I LOVE it.

    And I love your pictures and your story telling and your faux kissy face/gang sign.

    You are the coolest.

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    1. It IS elastic waist! The really extra-comfy kind!

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    2. Love the skirt ! Can u share the source ???? An ur amazing m you just make e laugh !!

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  3. It looks GLORIOUS! I can't wait for further episodes! Also, show Robert your gang face. I have a feeling he will just think that is hilarious!

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    1. He thinks everything I do is hilarious!

      Okay, no. Not true.

      Here's a funny Robert tidbit: Last night he participated in a singing contest, 2 dance contests, and 2 flip contests.

      Me: Did you win any of them?
      Robert: Uh, yeah. I think I won one of the dance contests. And the flip ones.
      Me: You're just gonna go ahead and call yourself the winner?
      Robert: (giggling (he really does giggle)) Yep. Because I'm awesome.

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  4. This is exactly what I needed to read this morning before I started my day. The whole vacation at home thing? Ya...I know...I've just mowed a secret garden in the way back and put my swing out there, and now I'm REALLY hoping that I will actually use it and relax. Chances are slim....and the gang sign thing? Remember when we did it too...it's just a thing that we do...it's funny to me...so glad you got away Minnie. xo

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    1. Now I'm daydreaming about that porch swing... Mark my words, I shall see you forthrightly.

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  5. You are hilarious! And heck with all the other details-I just wanna know what books you read! Or have you shared that at some point already? My brain might be addled with pictures of claw feet and thoughts of creepy men outside even creepier cigar-rolling shops. :-) Looks like you had a great time!

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  6. uh need to add vacay with shan to my bucket list. you crack me up!

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  7. I love you!!! The fun never stops with you......I don't know how you do it!!! It's like a super power, for real!! Never leave us!! Don't do it!

    Was that creepy? I don't even care if it does....you are magical, claw. feet. and. all.

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  8. Smiled all the way through.

    -Angie

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  9. Bring on the slide show! I would sit through the whole thing, and then hang around talking until you wondered "is she going to LEAVE?".hah you made me laugh so hard with this post. And that maxi skirt is awesome - where did you get it? (hoping you aren't going to say Goodwill, only because then I can't get one!)

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    1. I'm planning a post about what I wore on vacay. Exciting stuff, right? Right???! Stay right there, on the edge of your seat. :)

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    2. me too on the skirt! must know...!

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  10. Dude - I've said it before about our similar fingers (I prefer the term "freakishly long" to "claw") - but I have claw toes.

    Also, I am extremely jealous of your vacation. Looks exactly like vacation should look. The only time The Hubs and I have been away overnight in the last four years without kids was for a young adult retreat at church a year ago. And that doesn't really count.
    Please email my family to have them give me a vacation. :)

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  11. OH MY GOODNESS! How fun for you! You totally reminded me of the family slide shows we had when were were kids! Great nights! p.s. I LOVE every minute detail!

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  12. You make me laugh out loud! (And cry sometimes, too.)

    Can't wait for days 2-8. And btw, I think all feet are weird if you look at them long enough. And ears. And noses.

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  13. I can't even imagine what episode 2 will look like. I find everyday stories riveting:) And I miss eavesdropping SO much. You can't imagine what it's like to go three years without the opportunity to eavesdrop on conversations. This is the only thing that even remotely motivated me to learn German, and apparently not enough because I still can't understand a word!

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  14. 1. I totally regret not taking you up on the vacay offer when it was on the table. Actually I regretted it multiple times but especially when I was dodging flying objects. Again. Nect time don't offer, just tell me to pack. The answer is already yes.

    2. I read this in bed last night on my tiny phone screen after Barry had already turned off the light. I started giggling on the meth scene and couldn't stop so Barry had to inquire. He got your life story in a nutshell (for the thousandth time). He'd probably like to thank you for that in person.

    xxoo

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  15. I am reading this at work and laughed out loud quite a few times. Oops, shhh.

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  16. Is that St. John's Pass? If so, my one-and-only and I were on that same boardwalk back in March. I love vacations in Florida!

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    1. Pretty sure that is St John's Pass... we were just there too. Did you say hello to the parrot you aren't allowed to say hello to? :)

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  17. you have to stop with your claw hands and claw feet.
    i'm laughing, and it's hurting my jaws...so stop it. :)

    just for the record...all feet are sort of weird, if you look at them long enough.
    and while we're on the subject of weird body parts...have you ever just really stared at a tongue? gahross.

    great vacation...we're vacationing with friends in june...but we're taking all of our children...which will be 7 in all. start praying now.

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  18. Ditto the above comments.....

    WHERE DID YOU GET THE SKIRT????????????

    Of course like everything else that is maxi, it's probably taller than me. The skirts just need straps and it's dress, while the dresses, well.... you get the idea.

    LOVING THE SKIRT!!!!

    And how hilarious and honest (and nosy) you are. ;)

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  19. You have long, skinny toes just like my daughter. We always tease her that she could play piano with them. ;) I love that skirt. I'm sorry you had to scrub your brain with Chlorox. It's like the time I literally put my hands over my son's ears while I guided him to the other side of the grocery store to save his brain from the f-bomb being thrown about by a "father" screaming at his son for being mean to his younger son. They were probably 11 and 5. Really.

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  20. i just love the way you write. and i love that you are going to space your vacation out into 8 parts and that you sometimes drop some random Seinfeld reference. love.

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  21. kidless vacations feel so decadent. decadent is the BEST POSSIBLE terms! happy that you were able to get away. i've stood on that exact tourist-trappy boardwalk before. we've vacationed there before. touristy-ick aside, aren't the palm trees, green, flowers, SUN, and quiet all that are really needed to wash your cares away?! xoxo

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  22. Hey your legs are beautiful.Loved your smile!
    christian sermons

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  23. this cracked me up. meth? crazy!!! i came over here before and saw your pics but i must have gotten distracted because i did not read... so glad i came back to read. :) miss you!!! and now i desperately want a kidless vacay.

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  24. I just love your posts and the fact you chatter off on tangents that leave everyone spinning just like me. Its a standing joke in my office, if I have to send a brief one line email I just cant...I mean, what is wrong with me?
    But, now I KNOW I'm normal afterall.
    Since finding your blog, I have been reading your back catalogue of posts with much laughter, but also heart renching moments when I think you might reduce me to tears (here at my desk - I know, I got reading in a lunch hour and now cant stop - hence the lunch hour has overun a little (thank goodness I was in early).
    Your story and writing and faith in god and love for those amazing children (all of them) is so uplifting and has been the perfect antidote to my otherwise grey kind of week (if you do visit my blog you'll know why).
    Thank you for reminding me to be courageous and have faith.
    See waffle.....
    Ok, well I better sign off and get on with some work.
    Lovely to meet you (kind of)
    Sophie

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