Sunday, April 28, 2013

Stay



My house is a holy terror of a hot mess. This is what happens around here on the weekend: Mayhem erupts. No time to clean. No care to clean.

And now it's 11:41 on Sunday night and I shall start my week with a sink full of dishes and no milk in the fridge. 'Tis the way we roll.

We dined on Saturday's very best and lazed around like only our kind of people would. The sun seemed to sit higher in the sky, it hollered down to us, so we answered by walking downtown for for $1.50 tacos and the avocado salsa that makes me want to quit life and spend the rest of my days all green and garlicky.

It was perfection, wrapped up in a day. I wanted it to stay forever.

It was one of those days where my heart felt goose-bumps over my own personal luckiness. It's God, sure it is, but I have to believe it's a little bit random, I have to believe in luck, because if I dare to think otherwise, I'm tempted to consider that God loves me more than the single mom doing her best to survive the crush of generational poverty while every receptionist, every professional, every white-collar anything looks at her like she's only 2/3 of me, or you. This life is a stroke of luck, of course it's proof of God's goodness and His love for me, but it's confusing to think of how a motherhood scarred with loss feels His grip. If I feel loved by tulips and tacos, things of beauty and a simple life, where does her eye fall?

Let's just put this out there: God is confusing. We've been reading Romans in our small group. Paul is talking about God choosing people and not choosing others and just when it starts to click, the gear slips a little and we're all stuck there scratching our heads. But the next verse reads something like, "God does wonky work! You'll never make sense of it. Don't even bother trying." The ultimate disclaimer. But if it applies to eternity, it doesn't feel out of line to apply it to life right now.

All I really know is, I got a prized hour alone with my oldest littlish boy. He held my hand while we traipsed around in one of my favorite places dodging bumblebees and garter snakes and I felt like the glass slipper has never found a better fit. It was quintessential spring and we lapped it straight up. We found $1 perennials near the road-side and a machine that doled out cold fifty-cent cans of pop and he told me so many funny things.

I came home and watched my favorite girl perfect her cart-wheel and my tiny wiry baby fill his dump truck full of weeds. My man did mannish stuff, setting our the garden boxes and wielding a tape measure.

We spent time with one of our favorite new neighborhood friends and we all ate pasta and asparagus for dinner while inside I chanted stay stay stay stay stay

Stay this way, this way right here. Stay this quiet, this full. Stay just crazy enough. Stay together. Stay warm. Stay, bare toes in grass. Stay right here, friend, exactly here, pumpkins. No, scoot closer, just a little bit closer, so I can sniff your heads and kiss your necks. Just stay.

We closed the day by bringing home the two cutest baby boys on the planet and three loads of baby laundry.

Today there was a 6-hour prison run and dinner with our buddies.

And then I made the most terrifying observation: My right eyelid appears to be slightly paralyzed. Why haven't you told me??? I knew it was a bit more...mysterious than the left. But I went through a bunch of new photos tonight and there's no getting around it. I feel very old and ever-so-slightly traumatized. I planned to post one of the photos, but can't bring myself to do it after the revelation.

Maybe tomorrow.


For now, a recipe for your week. Baked jalapeno poppers. 
I think the recipe says to grill, but  baking them worked just fine. They were muy delicioso.

We've got another busy week brewing and I find myself having many deep thoughts in my think- tank/shower...only time will tell if any of them find their way to this little space.

I want to thank you to the bottom of my size 9s for your kind words about me and what I do here. Thank you for never making me feel like small potatoes and trust me, the feeling is mutual. I think there's something beautiful to be said for the quirky bunch of misfits sitting in the lunch room. I'm honored to be at the table.

Mad love and spicy poppers to all,
FPFG


31 comments:

  1. Your posts always make me think outside my "box". Thanks for that!!! We are doing a family Bible Study on The Sovereignty of God and doing a little head scratching of our own about the choosing and not choosing.

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  2. We're studying Romans in small group, too. We're not really following a plan, just sort of talking about things until we're ready to move ahead. It's going VERY slowly. There's so much more to the book than the road to salvation. It's more happening than Hebrews, though; I'll give it that. Hebrews be puttin a girl to sleep until the last few chapters. (No offense to God or anyone else.)

    As to the "stay" stuff, I keep saying it, too, about the baby. He's almost six months old, and I think he'll have a tooth, soon, and I don't want that tooth. I don't want him to talk, either, b/c then he'll sass, and we have too much sass up in here, already. Right now, he screams: "MAMA!" when he's in distress, which is almost never, b/c I hold him 20-21 out of 24 hours. It's perfect. I don't want him to say anything else. I don't want him to crawl or walk or run. I don't want him to start rolling out of the bed.

    And it's all just so sad. You want them to grow b/c they have to, b/c you don't want anything to be wrong w/ them. But ugh. It's just heartbreaking. He's my last, and why does it have to go so fast???

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  3. I always enjoy your posts....wishing you a great week ahead and that you get some milk in that fridge soon!

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  4. That's it...you are officially my very favorite blogger, hands down ! :-)

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  5. Great post as always. I love those shiny days that are so close to perfect that it's a little scary. Like winning a prize that's better than you expected so you keep thinking someone will take it away. Thanks for sharing the popper recipe - I may have gone a little overboard with planting jalapeño seedlings and I will need something to use them up, besides freezing them and giving them away. My version of the summer zucchini flood :)

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  6. Another lovely post. I adore you.
    xo

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    1. So agree! ...and I wore my t-shirt to work on Saturday, slept in it and then wore it all day Sunday (missed church this Sunday)..so I like that you do that, too! Sure wish you were my neighbor!

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  7. I question those very things; it's so hard not to. But we are called to trust and obey.

    And: You. Are. Awesome.

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  8. Can't wait to try those poppers! My palate is getting spicier by the day! Guess getting older has some perks, too.
    And thanks for always being real. xoxo

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  9. In my reader I saw the title of this post and a picture of those peppers and immediately thought "DEAL." ;)

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  10. I was equally taken aback by the "pop" reference and the size 9 reference. I read only, so therefore you have a distinct Southern Florida Southern drawl in my head and there is no southern drawl that can read-mind-speak "pop" correctly. Maybe I need a video to get a correct FPFG accent in my head. I'm fairly sure you are much taller than I (I'm 5'7") and given the special orderness of your Christmas mittens I just honestly didn't expect our shoe sizes to be the same. I sometimes have to special order shoes from America while here in the land of tiny people, so know there's nuttin' but love in my surprise. Hope your week is sunny!

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  11. I totally understand how you wanted to hold on. My youngest is 18 and will be graduating from high school in 3 weeks. After YEARS of getting up and watching "ESPN top 10" before heading out the door for school, he has just recently taken to coming and sitting at the table with me while he inhales his bagels and chocolate milk. I looked over at him this morning and had to breathe deeply to avoid going in to the ugly-cry.

    He is ready to go and for that I am thankful, but I hope to cherish the moments before he does!

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  12. Um, I'm a 9.5 and only 5'6". Top that awkwardness. I dare you. At least I have claw feet to match my hands. I have a limp eyelid. Twinsies.

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  13. I've been wondering about those same things, I have. What if it has something to do with the economy of eternity? That suffering that Jesus talks about as being a blessing (obvs. I'm somewhat paraphrasing)--could that be it? I dunno. It's a good thing God uses disclaimers sometimes or maybe my head would explode.

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  14. I read a few blogs religiously (so to speak.). Without a doubt I'd be most upset if you stopped. (I'd understand but I'd be very sad too.)

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  16. i just love you.
    and i wish we were really sitting in the cafeteria together eating those poppers...minus my awkward glasses and insecurities.
    you're the bees knees.
    xoxo

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  17. I adore you and your perfect writing. I love that you write about generational poverty with respect and dignity that is more than just pity, but actual empathy. You are a true Christian. Jesus loves you, this I know.

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  18. I busted out laughing at the paralyzed eyelid -- I recently did the same thing with my own pictures, realizing that one of my eyes is slightly smaller than the other. I began completely obsessing over it and making an effort to REALLY OPEN that eye when someone takes a picture, with the result that I now look like Mad Eye Moody in a handful of pictures. Excellent to know I am not alone in my weirdness.

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  19. I love your writing. It makes me smile from the inside out. Your quirks are so endearing and it makes me almost love my hulk shoulders and extremely round face....:))

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  20. I am in Romans, too - just by myself - when I remember to take the time to read and reflect. Also reading a book on Calvinism just because I am nerdy like that. My conclusion on theology - I don't understand most of God's ways and I can rest in the trust that He is good. I've spent a lifetime questioning Him, and right now I am just tired of the questioning (of that nature). I know this is just a season on my spiritual walk, and I am thankful for the rest.

    My little guys (and I) spent time outside last week doing absolutely nothing and having a blast in the sun and the grass and dirt. I found myself thinking, "Stay," too.

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  21. You've got me bawling again--mostly at the thought of your oldest little one grabbing your hand. They reach for ours less and less these days, don't they? Can't wait until school is out. . . . and Jealous that you can walk to town for street tacos and guac, but I did get a good deal on avocados at Meijer this week-- a bag o 4 for $2.75-ish.

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  22. Only you can talk of tacos, poverty, prison and God and somehow make it fit together. I have mad love for you FPFG.

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  23. One of my eyelids is a bit droopier than the other. Why do we let these little things bother us?

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  24. it's so funny to me. each time i read a post of yours, i feel myself relax a little more. it's as if my desk chair gets a little more comfy. i hear myself make a little out-loud laugh. and i smile. i smile the entire time.
    two boys? baby laundry? wait...what?.....
    your boys? new boys? homeless boys? do explain.
    i love your words my friend. always...

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    1. Robert's twin boys. :) I meant to link to a different post to explain and then it was midnight and I just didn't. Thanks for the reminder! xo

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  25. those looked soooo good. i use to have a freezer full of peppers. had a bumper crop in mn. never really knew what to do with them...dang!

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  26. I think if we all were alike in our circumstances, we'd spend even more time comparing ourselves to each other and less to Him. And we might think He does that, too, judges us based on each other. We might be inclined to be more proud of ourselves for what we've done with what He gives instead of counting it all as an undeserved gift. And we might be less likely to help someone else, because after all, they were given the exact same as me! I don't always understand His ways. And this is just a thought, of course!

    I'm honored to sit at this table, too.

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  27. $1.50 tacos? Take me there, sister!

    Your words made me smile.

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  28. Your posts never disappoint me.
    I feel like I have been with you today.

    Have you read Shauna Niequist's Bread and Wine yet?
    I know you will love it.

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