Monday, January 7, 2013

The Day the MSM Died.

A typical afternoon at my house.

We fall through the door most Monday nights and it's already past bedtime, the natives are restless and the kitchen is a stinking hot mess.

We fell through tonight and as soon as the kids were in bed I went in to wash my face. That's my secret signal to myself that I'm really tired, that I need to be extra kind to myself, that I should perhaps consider a respectable bedtime. (It doesn't happen often.)

But of course tonight is Money Shot Monday.

So I clipped my bangs to the top of my head and rubbed Cetaphil in circles over my cheeks while I sorted through the day and plucked out what was best.

The truth is, Silas tagged not one, not two, but three different walls today with a rogue pencil nubbin. Two infractions occurred while he was "taking a break" for an unrelated offense. He spent the bulk of his day bossing me around like a squatty dictator, questioning every move I made, shouting "No snacks!" when I said or did something he disapproved of.

But there's more.

I also got to drink tea with a friend this morning. I got to read a whole chapter of a book.  I got to make cheesecake brownies. I got to fold a load of clean laundry in a room designated for just such a purpose - heated to 69 degrees with art hanging on the walls.

I got to see my people at church tonight. I got to tell them the truth - that sometimes the Holy Spirit makes me nervous. I had the privilege of being trusted and the greater privilege of trusting them back. I held the gift of acceptance as the truth fell from my lips, scarred and lovely, uncensored and plain-faced, no mascara or nothin'.

Of course, the only photos I managed today were a shot of the toy-strewn floor, one of a bag of wallpaper rolls, and a crazy-cool one of Silas and Howard. My money shots weren't really the money, if you know what I mean. (Let's be honest, almost no one has known what I mean since the very beginning of this MSM nonsense!)

I decided to push through my MSM apathy and here's why: I didn't want to bail out of my own party. I didn't want to admit that it's great in theory and a little stressful in practice. I didn't want people to think I'm quitting just because its popularity never busted out the skylights. I didn't want to dole out good reason to doubt my judgment. (haha - too late!)

Earlier today I was minding my own business when I was confronted plain-as-day with the sins of judgment and pride in my life. Man, I hate that.

And still, just 5 hours later, there I sat, loading photos to save a face that never needed saving.

So guess what happened?

All of the pictures safely made the transfer. I saw crazy-cool silas slide over into its file with my own two eyes.

And now? Poof! Gone.

I get it.

I get it.

Friends, MSM is officially on permanent hiatus, because it's great in theory but a little stressful in practice. When something I do is unpopular, my inclination is to keep doing it and maybe do it even louder. I think they call that stubbornness. (Or maybe foolishness, though I sure hope not.) I'm bailing out of my own party. And you should certainly doubt my judgment on a regular basis because I'm built of a whole lot of messed up stuff.

But I'll spend tomorrow and next Monday and the rest of my lifetime panning through the silt for one tiny knob of gold. I hope you'll stay here beside me with your knees in the mud.

I'm searching for wonder, remember? I'm begging for eyes that can see it. I'm full-on in love with my life right now, even the hard parts, even the parts that the shutter never grabs.

Yours tonight and always,

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