Thursday, November 1, 2012


People, we are so bad at Halloween.

It's kind of a long story, but suffice it to say that I didn't do Halloween as a kid, Cory didn't do Halloween as a kid and now we're basically just slacker Halloween idiots.

We kicked it around this year and decided that things have changed, namely our hearts, and staying inside with the porch light off didn't seem like the right move.

However, I'm just not a costumey kind of mom. And I'm not about to spend real paper money on a store-bought job.

We decided to hop right up on the fence and mostly skirt the issue by just passing out candy. No trick-or-treating. The kids have never gone before. They wouldn't care.

But then the tricksters started showing up at the door and it seemed so festive and I was sauteing a relish of celery, onion, artichoke hearts and olives with a glug of white wine vinegar and without warning, I wanted all of my people out of my space. For just a little while.

Cory was game. (He's always so dang game.)
So I barked, "Go find a costume!"
"But Mommy, we don't have any costumes..."
"Be creative! Find a costume!"

They came up with exactly this.

Ruby is wearing a fairy costume circa when she was roughly half her current height and girth. Calvin grabbed Papaw's "worker guy" shirt. Silas is Spiderman, because it's just what he does. He's all Spiderman, all the time. True, he has no clue who Spiderman is, but somewhere along the line we inherited a costume and he thinks it's really soft.

My sole contribution to the festivity was the subconscious decision earlier in the day to don my orange old-lady beads.

It's terrible. So terrible.

See our three rotted, painted pumpkins? The sum total of our fall decor.

It's "bless her heart" bad. You know it is.

Calvin got a last-second case of the nerves and opted to stay home and pass out candy while I stirred the skillet. His friend Jose showed up decked out in full-on Ninja, complete with nunchucks - Calvin's dream costume. Homeboy stood there with his bowl of bad candy in his worker guy shirt we didn't even bother to button straight.

Jose: Hey, Calvin! Uh... are you a doctor?
Calvin: (dead air) Yep. I am.

Bless his heart.

About the claws candy. I got kinda funky about child slavery chocolate. I wish I could say that I'm well versed on the issue and could quote you all the stats, but all I know is, it's not good. It's not justice. So when it came time to buy my first-ever Halloween candy at Kroger, I wasn't sure what to do. I had no plan, just the lingering reverb of this post in my ear.

I grabbed the first un-chocolate candies I could find and, okay, some Junior Mints. I can't explain that logic. And I'm vaguely aware that some of the bad chocolate companies probably manufacture Nerds and/or Gummy Lifesavers. My thinking was faulty here. I have no excuse. I'm just really bad at everything Halloween-related. It's my Achilles' heel, I suppose.

Back home, I threw in all of the other randomly accumulating Halloween candy while Cory almost died of embarrassment over "the worst Halloween candy ever".

(How would he even know???)

In the end, fun was had by all, though trick-or-treating might be more fun/productive in a neighborhood where half the houses aren't abandoned.

PS - I totally botched dinner. But you probably could have guessed.