Sunday, October 7, 2012

One Hazard of Going

 Going can make you really tired, man. It's the actual miles and the hours, but it's more than that. It's things you can't reach out and touch, things that twist up your thoughts and scatter your sleep.

Cory and I talk about this more and more. It has become a real challenge to find balance and I'm left wondering if "balance" even exists in this world. Some nights all I want to do is cozy up on the couch and read something mindless, but then I remember that it's my turn to write back and I do that instead.

I could use a night out with my husband, a night out with my girls, a night where I sleep for many hours in a row. But we're regular people with jobs and children and this stacked on top of a tower that was already pretty tall. It would feel really weird to skip a jail visit for a quiet hour in an antique store. It's not a decision made begrudgingly. It's where our hearts live now.

But I can feel life squeezing in a little tighter. I feel myself stretching thinner. This road is fulfilling and brings so much joy. But good grief, it makes me sluggish.

It would be nice to hope that their lives would settle down a bit, so mine could follow suit. But that's not happening any time soon and even if it did, there's someone else waiting in the wings.

My soul-sister Becca stole the words right out of my mouth:

"...there is also the undeniable fact that in our type of ministry there are a lot of crises. A lot. And every need seems urgent. He is going to jail. She is fourteen and pregnant and has nowhere to go. Their electricity is off. He is suspended again. They are hungry because there is no food at home. Poverty leaves little margin, and we try to stand in the gap for them. But we need to figure out how to create more sustainable solutions, how to love our neighbor without destroying ourselves." - Becca Stanley

That's something I'm working on right now, loving them without destroying me. Or us. 

I understand the simple truth of "you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others", but I have used that as my ticket to sitting on my duff in the past and I'm just pretty over that mentality now. I trust that there's a solution and that maybe the solution is for me to continue to allow my soul to grow. Maybe there's still just too much Me fighting for its place in a life that was never supposed to belong to mine. (Matthew 10:39)

I guess I don't have an easy answer tonight. This stuff is simple, but it's really kind of complicated, at least at the beginning.

So we sort it out while we go and fight for some of that elusive margin on the way.

{If you're feeling anything like me, check out Becca's 31 Days series on Margin. I've got high hopes that she'll figure this out for all of us! ha. She's a beautiful writer and a dreamy photographer and she might understand about Robert more than anyone else next to Cory.}