Monday, February 20, 2012

To See Beyond


C. has a chronic auto-immune disease that routinely messes his business up.

He's had spells where we dealt with it weekly, and spells where I had to be reminded that he was "sick". But the past five months have arguably been the worse. And it just so happens that the "worse" has coincided with a change in insurances. And it just so happens that the change in insurances coincided with our move to the Betty Draper rental.

So while I spend too much of my life holding my baby's hand while he gets poked with needles, and while I spend Sunday morning in bed with my favorite six year old answering questions like, "Why did God give me this sickness?", I feel peace rest light upon us.

When a sick day becomes a sicker night and we land before dawn in a room with an adjustable bed and a snap-up gown, I can almost touch the truth.


All those months ago, when we didn't understand and we struggled to find a different course, telling ourselves in the dark, "We could still live here on the farm. Maybe we were wrong. We'll just stay. We can still afford it", God knew all about the hairpin curve two miles up.

This is the way He loves us. He loves us right now and in the future. He loves our health and our bruised-tender IV sites. He loves our heart for His mission. He loves to release us from the dangerous, illusory grip of  smoke-and-mirrors wealth, and sometimes, kind doctors and confusing insurance powerhouses hold that freedom bell while we do the clanging.

I'm so thankful tonight for gifts that I might not have recognized two years back. I'm heart-broken for the sadness that rests so small and alone on the other side of the hanging curtain. I'm exhausted to my core and praying that Calvin and Daddy sleep well in that noisy room.  

God, drip your presence and your truth straight into his veins. Speak to all your boys while they rest tonight.

70 comments:

  1. Tears. Prayers. More prayers. Rest in Him.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sending prayers and hugs your way... Nothing is worse than when your children are ill.
    xo~Cheryl

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Heavenly Father: Thank You for Shannan, just the way you made her. Thank You for giving her eyes to really see and understand Your character: all-seeing, all-knowing, all-loving, all-present, all-good. Thank You for helping her grasp what's really important. Thank You for using her in big ways. Father, I pray Your physical, spiritual, and financial blessings upon this family, and I ask that You grant each of them rest. I pray healing for Calvin. Please send helpers into this situation, and work through the hands of the healthcare professionals and anyone, just anyone, who comes into contact w/ this family. Thank You for the hope we have in You. In Your name I pray, Amen.

    Pick you a Psalm, Shannan, and pray it. Claim its promises. Can't hurt. Has helped me, lately, a great deal.

    ReplyDelete
  4. praying for your boy tonight. and for your heart. and thanking God for His provision already on the way before you knew this moment.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Shannan, I am so sorry for what you are all going through. And yet, I'm not. Because I know you are allowing God to use this all to refine you, redeem you, restore you. May you all find peace tonight. I'm praying.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Prayers coming your way. God's love offers peace, but sometimes our hearts still ache. God help the little ones who struggle so.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Amen! Calvin looks so sweet in that photo. He is such a beautiful boy. I pray he feels better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Nora and I already prayed hard for your little man tonight--for rest and wellness and bravery. Will keep lifting you up tonight and through tomorrow. Hope you're able to keep us updated.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i am so so sorry. for you. for daddy. for calvin. illness is waring and heart breaking and hard. may you rest in the Healer's love tonight, and may your boys do the same. big hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So sorry, having sick babies is never fun. Praying that he is feeling better soon and that you all get some peaceful rest.

    ReplyDelete
  11. hope he is feeling better soon - it's always hard on the kids and their mama! (and isn't it neat when God sees way ahead of us? your words were an encouragement to me tonight)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Praying for his health and spirits and well as your strength.

    ReplyDelete
  13. God has walked in all of our tomorrows... I find such comfort in that knowledge...
    Peaceful sleep to each of you, and praying tomorrow will be a brighter, healthier day...
    ~G~xo

    ReplyDelete
  14. sweet girl, my heart just goes out to you. i will say my prayers for calvin. peace to you, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Tears - praying for your sweet boy tonight. I know what it is like to have a child in the hospital - never easy. Praying for peace and rest for you tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh sweet boy. That lil face! Praying this night brings rest. And the morning, healing.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm sorry for your sick boy, but I am thankful for your insights. My husband and I recently made a really difficult decision (also pertaining to finances and living situation) and are now in the midst of the consequences. The Lord has given us so much to be thankful for, so many lessons learned, and we are in a good place despite some difficult days. I am thankful for your reminder that the Lord knows what He is doing. Sometimes the 'Did we make the right decision' questions drown out the confidence we have in our Savior. He loves and cares for His children. Period. I hope Calvin gets to feeling better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Is there ever a deeper hurt than watching your child be sick...I think not. God's goodness shall rain down on you all...I just know it. Praying for a family that I have never met...but "know." Tomorrow I will bake banana bread in your honor and give it to someone who could use a little love.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh no. Praying right now with tears upon my cheeks for his speedy recovery. He is such a beautiful blessing straight from above.

    ReplyDelete
  20. We serve the same great God and I know, as I know...He cares. Praying that God will wrap Calvin up in His arms and hold him gently while He sleeps. That our Saviour will rock your baby...and in this time your heart will be given peace.

    I'm praying that special nurses will touch your lives and have God given compassion.

    You are loved and so thought of. Mama, you are doing a great job. This day that is all consuming, these months that are like climbing a never ending mountain will not remain like this. It will be like walking away from the ocean....you don't really know when you leave...it's so big all you can see is it right now, but you will walk away...with God holding your hand.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Gulp and good gracious...We had a solid 10 days with our 5 year old boy in hospital this fall and it near broke my heart in two. Prayers for you and your boys...

    ReplyDelete
  22. i just spent a good bit o' time here, catching up on posts i missed. i love your blog. and your stories, and your humor, and your sweet vulnerable self. i'm going to buy a copy of your friend's book soon (i'm part way through 3 right now-sheesh)... can't wait to get yours, too. :)
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  23. sweet one. this is beautiful, and makes my heart hurt.
    praying for your precious boys to rest.
    for c to gain strength and feel the comfort of our healer, jesus.
    praying for you ALL. sending hugs and smiles. love you, shannan.
    praise jesus for choosing our changes and his provision in all things.

    ReplyDelete
  24. prayer said for you and your family's health and comfort ...

    thanks for all you share here. it is an inspiration in faith, trust, honesty, humor, perspective ...

    kathy

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh Shannon, My heart aches for you and Calvin. My daughter Grace has a heart defect and I really do know how you feel right now. (she is the youngest of 4) I pray that he is well soon. Grace has a cold right now and I am PRAYING that it does not escalate into something worse.

    Sending PRAYERS for you and your family!

    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am sure that your prayers will be answered. I read your blog regularly and can see how much you love your babies. Your love and bubbly energy will keep him happy and make him feel safe and warm. I will say a little prayer for your little man xo

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hoping the little man is feeling himself soon!

    ReplyDelete
  28. It's so heartbreaking when our kids are sick. Praying that Calvin will be feeling better soon, and that God will bolster his body, and strengthen it in and for the days ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  29. sorry you have this pain.
    my son is autistic and i feel you.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Prayers for Calvin. Nothing is worse than a sick little one. Hugs, Debbie

    ReplyDelete
  31. Praying for him and you all, Shannan. Hope he's feeling better soon!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Heartfelt prayers are coming your way.
    love & peace,
    C

    ReplyDelete
  33. sending lots and lots of healing goodness your way. what a brave little man...brave little family.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Praying for your boy. Who somehow looks so terribly cute, even when he's all sick and whatnot.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I will pray for your sweet boy. Praying that you will be filled to overflowing with God's wonderful love, grace, and strength.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Oh Calvin you look miserable. I hope he feel better soon........and back home. Prayers for all of you. It hurts us more than them, I am convinced. Hope something can be worked out with the insurance as well. ((((((HUGS)))))

    ReplyDelete
  37. I will be praying for your entire family.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I love this poignant reminder of the Father's sovereign care for us. Oh to trust Him as we should! May health and peace and provision cover you and yours in the coming days.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I've prayed C up one side and down the other, and once more for good measure.

    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  40. How I pray the night went well for you all and that C takes a turn for the better today. Spent time in a hospital last week with my big brother..scary days! But I also know you'll experience first hand the comfort and strength of God's presence in every moment.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Prayers and hugs your way. Has it anything to do with allergies re the new house?

    ReplyDelete
  42. Oh, Mr. Lee! Feel better soon, buddy!
    Praying for you and yours, Farmgirl. Nothing makes it to the top of the list faster than a sick little.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Oh, I'm so sad your little guy is sick. It's terrible, as a mom, to watch your kids be ill. I'm saying a prayer for him right now. I do hope he feels better soon and has a long stretch of healthy living ahead of him this spring and summer.

    ReplyDelete
  44. This post really spoke to me because I am in the hospital for 5-6 weeks (!) with pregnancy complications.

    Hope Calvin feels better soon!

    ReplyDelete
  45. ...amen little sister...amen...much love...many prayers...laney

    ReplyDelete
  46. I love getting a glimpse of why God has us where we are. Even when it's hard. . . praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  47. I'm sending your little man some healing vibes! My eldest son was very ill in his middle years and we almost lost him,twice. It was an awful time but then things lightened up. We almost lost him as an adult but he fought a hard fight to return to us.I know why God returned him to us. One day I may be able to put it into words, but for now I just continue to thank God.
    (need a tissue now)

    ReplyDelete
  48. Storming Heaven with Calvin's name and all of y'all. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  49. I just came here from Debra's blog...so very sorry to hear of this!! We almost lost our oldest grandson 9 years ago, at age 2. He has been so TREMENDOUSLY helped by a great doctor here in North Carolina...saved his life, and he has now gone onto another doc, here in this state too, who is somehow into DNA medicine...which has also further helped him. I believe that yours could also be helped here. The first doc also is helping our daughter who was ill since we began the immunizations on her at age 4 months. She is 28 now...will always have challenges, but works and lives on her own and should live probably a normal life span. The doctor's name is Dr. Beverly Goode (919-844-4552). Our grandson was taken to many doctors in Nevada and N. California before we all moved back here...ours would be gone now, without Dr. Goode. At one time the only child patient she had was ours, because the moms would not do exactly what she told them to do. She may be accepting children again and if not, maybe could refer you elsewhere. None of this discounts what GOD has done either...but we do need help humanly sometimes too. Email me if you would like me to find out the name of the DNA specialist currently helping our grandson. I will ask my children and send it on.

    ReplyDelete
  50. i so understand and i am praying for you all.i myself have a chronic auto immune brittle bone form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis and there is no cure.every day is a struggle.i am tired all the time.i have never asked why me i look at it as GOD chose me for a reason.people tell me i am praying for a miracal for you my responce:please don't.i think the miracals should be given to the children like your little one.i have lived they have not.they should have a chance to live without pain or suffering from sickness.so i say:GOD be with this child and take all sickness and pain away.let this child be given a miracle in JESUS name i ask this

    ReplyDelete
  51. praying for all of you...especially, your boy!

    praying Jesus touches that place in his heart that is questioning why he has this illness.

    ...praying He speaks his love and his goodness into his heart.

    Praying rest for all of you!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Thank God that Calvin has a wonderful mother like you!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Praying for Calvin and your family. Do you think your rental house might have some issues (ie mold, etc) which might be the cause of his recent flair-ups? I pray Calvin is back home with his sweet mama and the rest of his family and feeling better very soon!

    ReplyDelete
  54. I am sending up prayers! What a terrible thing to have to go through! I am so glad you have Him to send prayers to too.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Mr. Lee has been on my heart and in my prayers continuously. You and Cory are amazing!! You are such great parents to our little ones. But we are thankful you are not going it alone, Jesus is right there with you. Praying for a full night's sleep for all the Martins!!!

    ReplyDelete
  56. I hope your sweet boy is rested, as are you. It is soooo hard to watch our children suffer. I am sure you are like me, and have told your son countless times that if you could, you would be the one to suffer. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Oh sweet friend, I'm praying for that precious boy (and his mama too)! I've got an ache in my heart. But you're right God knows it all and that is good.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I'm standing next to you, shoulder to shoulder, with arms raised high! Endurance, peace, and rest for your boy and family.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I just heard this for the first time a few nights ago when a few ladies got together to share a table full of potluck salads in celebration of one's birthday. A Mother is only as happy as her saddest child ~ unknown. We all agreed it was profound. I thought of it's truth after reading your post. Hope all is well soon.
    Dana

    ReplyDelete
  60. Pausing to pray for you right now and will continue to do so.

    ReplyDelete
  61. It is the worst when your babies are sick...you are all in my thoughts & He will make it better. xoxo, Tara

    ReplyDelete
  62. Love,

    I know about sharing tender, raw, hard from a hospital room. It's healing to publish post, it's life force to get response.

    Sorry I've been out of your loop. I'm back, I'm in and I'm doing my own little hippie sort of prayer for your Calvin, you family.

    Much love.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Just read many of your blog posts for the first time. Bless the internet for sharing all of these stories. Keep writing and living. If I were closer, I'd ask you over for tea.

    Amanda Hill
    Attorney, mother, wife, blogger, and half-crazy lady
    www.hillpen.com

    ReplyDelete