Sunday, February 19, 2012

Important Wisdom from the Week



1. If you pride yourself for being a weirdo, people will start to believe you. You will regret, for a moment, the time that you copped to owning a T-shirt emblazoned with the Periodic Table of the Elements, pretended to buy eyeglasses from 1982, and bragged about being a bonafide rodent magnet. Then you'll reconsider reconsidering and just continue to rock that weirdness because it's really all you've got.

2. When your dear, sweet child screams from across the room, "Hey, Mom! My bottom smells like shrimp!", it might be wise to carve out a more regimented bathing schedule.


3. If you make the mistake of mentioning to your child within thirty days of Valentines Day, "I wish they made feetie pajamas for big people!", and your husband is in ear-shot, there is a high likelihood that he will bequeath to you, with much secrecy and hype and displaced fervor, a pair of adult feetie pajamas. They will be pink and there will be a hood with a draw-string. They will appear to be roughly eight feet long and will resemble the bunny suit seen along Main Street near the "We Buy Gold!" place. The relative width of your husband's eyes as you pull the suit from the box (yes, there will be a box) will tell you that he believes this is the gift of the ages, but you will feel a tiny bit mad on the inside, like the time your great aunt gave you an Operation Desert Storm t-shirt in 1996. You will know that part of the fault lies with you, but you will also know deep within your heart that it could not possibly be good for your marriage or your general moral and well-being to ever don the pink bunny suit. Even if it's true that yes, you do often complain of being cold in the evenings. In the end, you will err on the side of truth and your husband will box them up with much understanding and a tiny twinge of shame and you will love him even more than you did the day before. Also, you will make a pact with yourself to weigh more carefully all future statements regarding fleece zip-ups.