Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Why I Almost Never Talk on the Dang Phone

The scene: It's 4:33 p.m. I'm sitting on my living room floor, folding laundry. In the kitchen, there are sprouts to be brusseled for a 5:20 departure to book club where I am expected/feared to have brussels sprouts in hand. Calvin and Ruby are watching Clifford. Silas is being a quasi-maniac of sorts. My phone rings. It's Courtney, the same Courtney I've been playing phone tag with for two weeks. I take a deep breath, and I answer.

FPFG: Hayyyy! (said unintentionally in a slightly gehetto manner)
CW: Well, helloooooo! (said in a faux Seinfeldish accent)
CW: Is this a bad time? Are you busy?
FPFG: (in a loud whisper) Silas, no-no! You may not hit Ruby with a chair.
CW: (waiting nicely)
FPFG: Oh, uh, no! I'm not busy! I mean.... (long pause) well, just my normal kind of busy.
FPFG: (loud whisper) Silas, STOP.
FPFG: Sorry! Sheesh.
Silas: Where my Chawels?
FPFG: Sorry, Courtney. Hang on. Charles is in the bathroom, Siley. Go get him.

For the next 1.5 minutes, we chatted as though we had not a care in the world.

Right in the middle of Courtney's very important, very dramatic, quite stressful story regarding the release of her debut novel, I realize that I haven't seen Silas or heard Silas for almost TWO minutes.

Fear grips my innards. I run to the bathroom to find my child very casually lathering his hair. With lotion. He stares up at me and just keeps lathering. As thought it's completely acceptable and possibly even appreciated. It does not cross his mind to attempt to look guilty.

I'm trying my best to listen to Courtney's story. I fail and she catches on.

CW: Do you want to call me back?
FPFG: I'm so sorry. And what about the brussels sprouts, dangit? I'll call you back. sorrybye.

I throw Ruby's shower cap on his head, call Courtney back and man my post at the stove where I saute the heck out of the sprouts while we speed-talk for ten minutes. It is loaves-and-fishes miraculous that he keeps the shower cap on until Cory arrives home to rescue us all.

We are out the door at precisely 5:20.(ish)


*Do you think it sends a mixed signal to video something and giggle then say "Yeah, that's not good"? Me either thanks. Also, my favorite part is where Ruby strolls through on a different sort of mission and casually touches his hair, not reacting in ANY way, because this sort of thing happens all. the. time. #immunetothecrazy