Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Why I Almost Never Talk on the Dang Phone

The scene: It's 4:33 p.m. I'm sitting on my living room floor, folding laundry. In the kitchen, there are sprouts to be brusseled for a 5:20 departure to book club where I am expected/feared to have brussels sprouts in hand. Calvin and Ruby are watching Clifford. Silas is being a quasi-maniac of sorts. My phone rings. It's Courtney, the same Courtney I've been playing phone tag with for two weeks. I take a deep breath, and I answer.

FPFG: Hayyyy! (said unintentionally in a slightly gehetto manner)
CW: Well, helloooooo! (said in a faux Seinfeldish accent)
CW: Is this a bad time? Are you busy?
FPFG: (in a loud whisper) Silas, no-no! You may not hit Ruby with a chair.
CW: (waiting nicely)
FPFG: Oh, uh, no! I'm not busy! I mean.... (long pause) well, just my normal kind of busy.
FPFG: (loud whisper) Silas, STOP.
FPFG: Sorry! Sheesh.
Silas: Where my Chawels?
FPFG: Sorry, Courtney. Hang on. Charles is in the bathroom, Siley. Go get him.

For the next 1.5 minutes, we chatted as though we had not a care in the world.

Right in the middle of Courtney's very important, very dramatic, quite stressful story regarding the release of her debut novel, I realize that I haven't seen Silas or heard Silas for almost TWO minutes.

Fear grips my innards. I run to the bathroom to find my child very casually lathering his hair. With lotion. He stares up at me and just keeps lathering. As thought it's completely acceptable and possibly even appreciated. It does not cross his mind to attempt to look guilty.

I'm trying my best to listen to Courtney's story. I fail and she catches on.

CW: Do you want to call me back?
FPFG: I'm so sorry. And what about the brussels sprouts, dangit? I'll call you back. sorrybye.

I throw Ruby's shower cap on his head, call Courtney back and man my post at the stove where I saute the heck out of the sprouts while we speed-talk for ten minutes. It is loaves-and-fishes miraculous that he keeps the shower cap on until Cory arrives home to rescue us all.

We are out the door at precisely 5:20.(ish)

Selah.


*Do you think it sends a mixed signal to video something and giggle then say "Yeah, that's not good"? Me either thanks. Also, my favorite part is where Ruby strolls through on a different sort of mission and casually touches his hair, not reacting in ANY way, because this sort of thing happens all. the. time. #immunetothecrazy

54 comments:

  1. That's why God made him so darn cute. Can't believe you still got out the door on time. Don't you love phone calls at the best times. (((((HUGS)))))

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  2. That was funny. I woke up one morning, and my 6 and 3 year old looked like hookers they had so much make-up on. Moral, get up when the sane 8 year old tells you to.

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  3. this post confirms, and mostly the video proof, that we are in the same boat. except elijah doesn't speak yet.

    lord, have mercy. at least we CAN still giggle. xo

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  4. LOL! I bet his hair is silky soft though. Maybe this boy is onto something!

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  5. My kiddos watched Siley too. They laughed and wanted more. We watched it 10 times. I wanted to hear your voice (enter stalker mode) and they were taking notes. All the lotion in this house is going somewhere way up high.

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  6. WHAT a cutie. Oh man. Why is it that everything that's not supposed to happen, happens when a friend calls? A friend who you surely do want to chat with, and who needs to rattle into your ear for a little bit.

    But oh, no, not possible! I'm young enough not to have any children yet (or a spouse, hello), but as a full time nanny, even I have realized the dangers that phone calls bring.

    But what cute kiddos!!

    Reeve

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  7. I think it's okay! :) The video, the laughing. It's all good. Even the follow up with, "yeah, that's not good." Cause, he has no idea. And, it calms us. :)

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  8. Hey! I've nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger Award. For more info, go to http://thespotts.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/kreativ-blogger-award/.

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  9. Sweet - aren't kids just the best, even when they are trouble! Thanks for sharing...

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  10. He is too cute. I wuv his wittle voice!

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  11. sorry but that is too funny and it doesn't help that he's just absolutely adorable either. love when Ruby walks by. oh Lord, hang in there, mama!

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  12. Oh my gosh, I'm cracking up! Thanks for putting a smile on my stressful morning :)

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  13. It's so hard not to laugh at these moments. My son once slathered his arms and legs with Vaseline. I couldn't resist taking a picture.

    Your phone convo sounds like the ones I have with my BFF every week.

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  14. ok it's hard not to laugh, he is so adorable!!!!! But I do realize it can be stressful since I can't keep grandkids over 24 hours. I am 58 and stay here all day in silence and they drive me crazy............ judy

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  15. That kind of stuff happens all the time, here, too. Quiet is almost never good when the kids are awake. I still think you sound like Jenna Elfman.

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  16. "It is loaves-and-fishes miraculous..."

    love that line. Oh, and I can so relate here.

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  17. that kid cracks me up - reminds me of my Maddie. and Ruby's reaction to it all is classic older child. yeah, yeah, seen that all before...

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  18. Why just today, I too feared the silence while my almost 2 and almost 3 year old were silently playing in the next room. I went to check and all was well. I tiptoed back to the kitchen with a smile. No less than 2 minutes later, my Gus came in the kitchen to check on me..... Holding the contents of his diaper ( solids, not liquids friends!) in his hand.
    I adore your blog and have you listed ad one of my favorites on my own!

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  19. omg girl, your yellow stove is rockin! Oh yes, and your sweet little Silas, what a hoot. Just waiting for the day when one of mine does something similar. It's bound to happen, right? I love it. And why does silence always equal TROUBLE?!?! Way to keep your cool, Sista. :)

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  20. bwwhwahhahahaha. I KNEW this would end up as a blog story!!! Hearing it in real-time motion all I could think was "No wonder her blog is so dang funny. You couldn't make this stuff up." And then I played around with the idea of praying for such funny things to happen in my house and later decided it might be best not to. I don't think I have near as much patience for lotion hair as you do.

    In retrospect, HI-larious.

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  21. My latest discoveries include muscle rub used as hand lotion and my special bath bubble slice all crumbled in the bath. Also 3 out of 4 have pink eye.
    Love reading your blog and laughing out loud with you.

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  22. haha! funny & cute! we want more siley videos....k! :)

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  23. So sweet. Trying to savor the moments of young children can be *character building*. :)

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  24. i think we have the same video/ phone voice. i could totally picture myself saying…”what do you think about that?” it is cracking my stuff up right now. you are so patient and siley is too dang cute.

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  25. Uh I know I can never get a phone convo with you. Totally get it...my kids knew when I was distracted. Silence is not a good thing. He's such a cutie anyway.

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  26. Cracks me right up! And hold on a sec...what is this book club you speak of? Can it be repeated in say March? I am looking for a book club, never done one, but really feel inclined to try it out. Keep me posted.

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  27. I need you to know two things.

    1. I cracked my business up.

    2. Keeks pulled up a chair. Took notes. Said "gin, gin," and then promptly brought me her lotion.

    Law.

    xxoo

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  28. Totally get it. I always say that no one wants me until I'm on the phone or toilet!

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  29. How cute! Correct me but didn't you once come out of your shower to find Ruby's hair slathered up in her hair cream via Calvin?? Always keep the camera and video close by. Loved Ruby's response too.

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  30. Didn't he once make a blow dryer out of duplo blocks?

    I'm thinking Silas may have a future calling in the hair business.

    Hair lotion? Brilliant!

    Move over, Paul Mitchell. Make way for Silas.

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  31. Naughty is so darned cute when it's your kids. Thanks for the laugh!

    Jan

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  32. OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! What a cutie pie that boy is. I just want to eat up those cheeks!

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  33. My own little Paul Mitchell has pulled that one before. He also did not think to act guilty. Instead, the little stinker proclaimed, "Look! I'm squeaky clean!" Boys.

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  34. ohhhhhhhh. life is good.

    phone calls and me don't ever go so well either.

    the first time I ever spoke with Paige from Simple Thoughts, I hid in the bathroom from my kids with the door locked.

    true story. the end.

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  35. oh, he is just precious!
    my son is giggling right now, too, but i told him not to get any ides! :)
    xo

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  36. In honor of Silas I will be applying lotion to my cranium in the morning. I really like that kid.

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  37. LOVE Ruby and her oh-so-cool and nonchalant air. I'd kinda like to be her with her casual ways when I grow up.

    As a gal in the midst of labor and delivery insanity who is still operating on the mediocre sleep of two whole days ago, and is now wiping the brow of a very cranky, right-before-pushing-staged daughter I thank you for the giggle :)

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  38. well, no one was hurt.

    so hilarious. how did we live without kids? I mean, how did we LAUGH without kids?

    shesh. I never talk on the phone either. Am I crazy?

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  39. that is so funny!! immune to the insanity is our motto :) we have 4 kids and when they have friends over you can tell the kids that come from a large family, nothing fazes them :) but the ones with only 1 or 2 kids in the family, well their eyes stay bugged out the whole time they are here and their head whips around alot LOL they dont adapt to the crazy as well :)

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  40. Oh Shan. That Siley. I know it's hard for you. But - seriously - it's so funny and precious - I could just eat him with a spoon.

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  41. Oh my lands, this has me in stitches. Silas is the cutest troublemaker on the block. I love that you threw a showercap on it and moved on with the sprouts and the chat.

    Your house is some kind of wonderful. Truly.

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  42. yep! and if I do it has to be another mom who gets it, b/c they are going to be interrupted so many times while I whisper/yell at my kids :)

    he is adorable!!

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  43. Too funny!! lol...he's adorable!! :)

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  44. LOVE that sweet babe...innocent until proven guilty !

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  45. Made me laugh! The funniest part is your daughter walking by completely oblivious!

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  46. I can't thank you enough for posting this. Today was one of those days where I hadn't laughed at. all...until I read your post. Thanks for being so real and tangible, and for welcoming us into your home. :)

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  47. these things are SO MUCH FUNNIER when they happen at other people's houses. thank you for this. also, i have a mantra for these episodes: lotion is better than poop. (except for when it IS poop, and then i am fresh out of mantras.)

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  48. How come your voice sounds so good on the video? I always sound so awful! Please more videos, this time with Ruby.

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  49. SIssssay
    I just finished a Skype date with mom and dad 2-3AM their time :) that is the only time the Internet is fast enough here (early morning & in town)... Are you up for a date sometime haha.
    At any rate, she said I HAD to watch this video of our little guy and I'm sure glad she was so insistent! ;)
    Missing your voice and even more your kiddos faces!
    xox

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  50. This really made me laugh. Kids never leave us bored, that's for dang sure.

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  51. Oh.my.cuteness! I am new here and I LOVE YOUR BLOG!
    Thank you so much for these beautiful musings!
    Kerry at HouseTalkN

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