Wednesday, January 18, 2012

We Can Be Alright

The bad news is, I've gained 87 pretend pounds today from all of the pretend banana bread, banana cake, cream cheese frosting, banana muffins, chocolate chip cookies, crack bark, chips and salsa and margaritas you sent. One friend sent me a pretend banana, because it's all she could muster (cracked me up). And one friend sent me REAL Peace Tea! Huzz.

I'm all jacked up on pretend potassium over here.

I did cry a time or two, and I blame you for that. It was a collective outpouring of tears - the cummulative effect of allayall'zes kindness.

Being prone to over-thinking as I am, I feared for a moment that it was all too much. I shared to ease my own mind and maybe yours. I thought the sharing was the help. I somehow didn't expect to feel so much big, bad love from so many corners. I mean - I know you're awesome in every way. I should have known. I was probably just too blue to remember.

Anyway, thank you one million times over. Thank you for making me feel less troll-like and for not texting me numbers for psychiatrists or referring me to the Dr. Phil website.

I just partook of my much-belated Christmas dinner with Sarah. I had a New York strip (medium) and caramelized brussels sprouts with loaded mashed potatoes. And tomato kalamata bruschetta for appetizer.

Maybe food does help. Maybe so.

My eyeballs burned all through dinner and I wanted to rest my head on the seat of the booth. Sarah wouldn't have cared. But I was there, dadgummit. I went out and cleared my head. I howled at the moon (so to speak) with my best mate Missy Higgins. I laughed too hard - something about Sarah informing me that we were scandalously hussy-ish in high school, and by hussy-ish, I mean that we secretly pined for multiple boys at the same time. As I told her, we had no choice. We had to keep many irons in the fire, because who knew when someone might actually bite? No one ever really did. At least not for a long time. And when they did? Well, they were jerks. I'm sorry to say it.

Be honest, are you more concerned about me than ever? Are you finding me unstable? I understand. I do. I wondered myself.

But then I remembered that we are allowed our bad days, man. We're also allowed a hearty boomerang. Tomorrow's a crap shoot. It could go either way and that's okay. Because right now - in my eyeliner and my skinny jeans, I feel like I just might survive.

So know that you're not alone in the crazy. Know. It.

But when a glazed brussels sprout hits you in the face, I hope you'll see it for what it is. I hope you'll grab on to it it. Duh. But then I also hope you'll hold it up to the light and dance around with it a little. I hope you'll hold it to your heart and notice that it helps.

Admittedly, holding tiny cabbages to one's bosom feels slightly awkward. Push through.

One more thing: Yesterday after the Great Toilet Melt-Down Ruby came out dressed in this.
I'm not gonna lie. I laughed. I said, "Ruby!......."
She smiled kinda shy and it broke my heart clean through because I realized she wasn't trying to entertain me. Sister was dead serious. She said, "I really like matching."
Then the clincher, "I wanted to match like this so you would know how much I love you."

Just slay me now. Go on ahead.
She marched around like this all day and do you know what? I felt the love.

Now what I really want to know is this: What was your bright-shiniest boomerang moment today? What was your bosom brussel? I promise it was there, somewhere. Find it and spill it.

All my light for you tonight,


  1. Don't worry bout it. Banana bread+cream cheese frosting is worth every pound.
    Beautiful pictures.

  2. Today I got nothing accomplished that I was supposed to. At the last minute I did the dishes, so it would look like some progress had been made. Perhaps it was so that I could convince myself.
    But the bright spot came from my two month old. She had shots this morning. Three of them. And while I was certain we would never be on speaking terms again, she sat there this afternoon just like she always does and smiled great big grins at me and cooed like crazy.
    Love reading your realness. Keep it up. And send some banana bread our way!

  3. So sorry about the potassium overload over there. Isn't a brand new day an awesome thing? Or sometimes, just a brand new afternoon, or new hour?....we've gotta take what we can get. My bosom brussel was that today was an ordinary day and I'll take all of those I can get!!!! Oh and seeing Ruby's outfit is a huge highlight for me. All kidding aside! Love that girl's heart!

  4. I am not going to lie. January has not been my favorite month ever and today wasn't great. My bright side... sitting with my 3 year old and watching Elmo's Got 4 Ducks on youtube. Except I was watching him crack up. It made me feel better. I love your posts :)

  5. Okay, here's one for you. Talk about feeling the love. I lead the Wednesday night girls group at church. As said leader, I was in front of 80+ girls tonight. Afterwards, I got to chat with a few of them (grade 5). One little girl (who experiences mild autism) came up to me very love-y, and played with my hair and said, "Either, you're very gray... (as she fingered the gray hairs), AND you're GREAT!" I was a little taken aback by her comment -- not sure exactly what she was meaning to communicate (yes, I know I'm going gray). Her mom explained that they have been teaching her about left-handed compliments, or about talking about people's faults and/or "negative" characteristics... That people might take offense, and you should always give a kind word instead.

    And that is why.... I went from GRAY to GREAT very quickly in one little girl's summary.

    Hmmmmmpf. Thinking about coloring my hair more than ever tonight. LOL
    I need a banana. Have any to spare. Hugs to you Shannan!

  6. night cheese.

    no seriously though, the thing that made me so happy today was getting alone time with my oldest and youngest. two is easier than three, and i was able to focus on things like my four year old using the word "repair" in a sentence. He makes me so proud. Except when he informs me that the hallway has been defeated, because he blew it up. Then...well...

  7. I don't know you in a real-life sort of way, FPFG, but I love you to bloggy pieces. I really do. And I might just love little Ruby even more for wearing her heart not just on her sleeve, but all.over.her.cute.self! Thanks for sharing that sweet story, really made my night. I had more than a few bosom cabbage moments today, but I think getting a new 'do was the brusselest. :)

  8. In the midst of my morning devo time that was seriously running into breakfast time... God hit me upside the head with this: I've never asked you to behave. I've simply asked you to be mine.
    Wowzers. Been tripping over that phrase all day.

  9. Oh Ruby and her fabulous outfit gave me the biggest smile and warmed my heart. Kids just know what to say sometimes...Love it all over here! It's good to feel all feelings...

  10. mine was in the form of a smiling redheaded baby and a crazy fun 2yr old. Puzzles and books and slobbery kisses makes a grandma forget she was sad.

  11. awwww...can you send me a Ruby?? Not the shiny red kind, the perfectly (mis)matched one with the adorable floofy hair?

    PS. I need a Sarah.

  12. Ahhh! tears in my eyes over Ruby's outfit of love!!!!!! OMG!!!!
    Mine was in a moment I realized someone genuinely wanted to help me out with something.

  13. Oh honey. I just now read your post from yesterday and today. I am so glad you are feeling better. I am new to your blog, so I don't know your story, but I just wanted to add some encouragement from my corner of the world. I have had a couple of panic attacks, so I feel your pain. Hugs from a stranger.

  14. Isn't it funny (not ha-ha, but crinkle your brow, scratch-your-head-odd kind of funny) how we don't notice that shiny beacon (or bacon, they're equally good) of light that we are given so very often? How we so easily overlook it, and sit there with our frowns on and our cold feet tingling?

    My beacon/bacon/brussle:
    Today I held a snugly, chubby baby and got to have her all to myself for an hour and a half. MY hour and a half. And she cracked me up with her goofy little faces; a little gargoyle in pink stripes.

    Two delicious forkfuls of chocolate cake. With chocolate frosting. Lots of chocolate adjectives danced through my head.

    A big, tall glass of orange juice whipped to pure bliss in the blender.

    I'll just sit here and eat my carmel popcorn and be thankful. Thank you for causing me to think and re-think and remember the beauty of today.

  15. (that comment about bacon is from Reeve, by the way) (I dislike leaving it anonymous :))

  16. Two new-ish friends at church telling me they liked my jean jacket - that I've had for seven years. They are each young and hip and cool (because The Hubs and I have been hanging w/ the young adult crowd as of late), and it made me feel young and hip and cool - and I needed that today. Vain? Perhaps. But even better than the feeling cool was the knowledge that these sweet young girls want to be my friend.
    And our YA pastor - I think God gave him a prayer just for me to hear tonight - a hard prayer - but a much needed one.

  17. i see hearts plastered to three out of the four pieces in Ruby's outfit. i think she was really on to something big. i feel the love way over here. that sweetie!

    my bosom brussel? those dang carmelitas you made me pin after i saw yours. let's just say it's a mighty good thing i ran 13.1 miles four days ago, or at least my behind thinks so.

    i really adored this post. every last bit of it. so i suppose this could count as a bosom brussel as well.

  18. awe Ruby made me do the ugly cry!!!! How sweet and loving was that!!! My moment was when my 6 year old told me she didn't want to turn off the tv because it was her most favorite show and then I told her she could come do a special craft with me. I normally do my crafts when she is busy playing but I thought this one she would love and she did and she was sooooo proud of it when she was all finished. It made me feel good that I didn't try to leave her out or tell her every 5 seconds how to do it, I just rolled with it and she did a great job!!!!

    I also have been right where you are and I would make you some banana bread or carrot cake thats my secret family recipe. Hang in there girl, I does get better and we know that He is in control of all things even though it is hard sometimes to let go and know that!!!!

  19. My happiest place is right now, reading about your sweet girl. That is just about the MOST precious thing I've heard in a long time. One of my three teenagers was especially selfish and snarky tonight, and it was just delightful to read about the love that fills a little girl's heart for her mama. I know it's in my girl, somewhere. She's just not dressing all spiffy for me these days.

  20. "Tomorrow's a crap shoot ~ it could go either way." Ain't that the truth.

    My bright 'n shiney today was my girl making it through her 2nd day of school in a row without her neck hurting {this is a first}! And reading this awesome post! Why in the Sam Hill didn't I think of ever writing 'allayall'zes' before? L*O*V*E.

    I had myself a couple bosom brussel moments today, too. You help me see how to use it to take hope to heart.


  21. That is the best outfit I have ever seen in my life.
    The only thing I would like to see more is you as a naked troll : ) PSYCH!
    Do you remember when it was cool to say that? Or are you too old to remember that? PSYCH!

  22. Dearest Friend, when I awoke on the couch this morning, I was just sure yesterday was following me into today. Nothing could be further from the truth. First little cabbage moment, my business partner bringing me an orange to work, so I will stay healthy (we can't afford to hire anyone). Whatevah the motive, I felt cared for. The next, my husband bringing me a brownie, to balance the orange. In this crazy business I'm in, Wednesday is Shipsee, and by afternoon all the dealers are bringing their wares from the auction. They tell the most funny stories on how they won the bidding wars. We all stand around and laugh as if the junk they purchased will get them a spot on Antiques Roadshow... I was eating little cabbage sprouts all the day long. I heart Ruby's outfit...

  23. I think I may be old enough to be your mother, I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm pretty sure I am. However, I've been following and loving your blog for forever. I just wanted to let you know from someone who's old enough to're perfectly, imperfectly normal. Your feelings aren't that uncommon, but are just commonly hidden. Maybe you're like me, I get through major life events, and then afterwards comes the falling apart. You've been through, are going through, huge changes. You're entitled to a bit of a breakdown. :)

  24. I love you for saying what the rest of us feel but are too [fill in the blank] to say.

    Next time I'm in feeling all of what you've been feeling today, I'm going to send Hubs to read your blog post as proof that I am NOT the only one. People may not talk about it, but I'm not alone. And neither are you.

  25. Today..OH today was a GOOD day as my 36 yr old son came for coffee and we discussed "Dirt" ..The Movie..have you seen the movie..y'all should...
    ~~peace & love & joy & blessings~~

  26. I love how honest and real you are. I am so not good with words, but you are. And you put words to all my feelings, and then they start to make a little more sense when I hear you talk about yours. Today was a boomerang day, I took a nap, found some fabulous ruffly ballets flats at a thrift store. And I laughed and giggled with my little man on the bed. I think that was really it for me today, he reminds me of God's confidence in me. God gave me a beautiful son and He trusted that I could take care of him just right. If that gentle reminder doesn't make me feel it, I don't know what will.

  27. you have one, way precious, little doll on your hands!

  28. Bosom brussels? all I can think of is Bosom Buddies now.

    That outfit with all the little hearts melted my heart.

    My moment? When my getting so tall almost 10 year old threw his arms around my neck and planted a big sloppy kiss smack dab on my lips. Sometimes I brush those arms off. Today I just help him there.

  29. I'm glad you're feeling a little less blue! <3

    I hung out with my BFF tonight for our "fun day". We do this once a week EVERY week, unless I'm feeling too sick from chemo. It definitely helps to get out of the house for a while and revert back to our 6th grade selves and laugh at silly stuff.

    I started the evening by demonstrating my skinny jean dance for know the one where you wiggle all around to make sure everything is secure. Okay, little bitty FPFG, you might not have to do that one but I'm sure someone else here does! Or maybe it's just me...err... ;)

  30. My moment was my twelve-year old surprising me and his brother with Starbucks and a donut- paid for with his own money and announced by saying "I love my family"

  31. This lil' video turned my world right-side up today - a whole bucket of brussels sprouts: Man, did I ever need that gratitude perspective! Thankful...

  32. My sister friend lives across the country. You would like her. She sent an email to set up a time for a chat. Such a nice thing to read in your in box. It's been too long, both so crazy busy. Wish I could share brussel sprouts with her, but a call will have to do. Tears over here from all corners of the Bungalow. Nine year old over dying... Twelve year old over difficult decisions... and Sixteen year old lying on couch not feeling well. But all went to sleep knowing The Agronomist and I have their backs. This is all I hope for. Their understanding that we will be here. And yes, food does help, especially food prepared by someone else. Here's wishing you tasty leftovers tomorrow.

  33. I am so glad my husband (who knew you in school) read a post of yours almost a year ago to me, because he knew I needed a smile. Now, I am addicted. Sometimes, I find myself not having the words to describe what I'm feeling and you are able to perfectly put down what my heart wants to say. My moment: watching my 1 year old "walk" through a room reminding me of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof doing his dance while singing "If I Were a Rich Man". I kid you not. Those little arms were in the air and his little foot firmly planted with each step, as if the ground below might give way at any moment. I usually get frustrated when I song gets stuck in my head. Instead, every time I think of it, it brings a smile - even when I burned a bag of popcorn and made the whole house smoky and stinky right before my husband walked through the door. :)

  34. The best part of my day yesterday was eating dinner at our new church and getting to know our new friends there better. Also having my husband whisper "I love you" in my ear in the middle the program that followed dinner. Also having my almost three year old not pee or poop in his underwear at all.
    On another note, last night I had a dream that I saw you at a coffee shop in Linway Plaza. We looked at the menu together. When I was leaving I noticed that there were a ton of homeless people lined up where Hacienda and Memories of China and all those stores inbetween are. Weird. Is it ok that I ended a sentence with "are" ? I figured this is not the place to have to be perfect so I didn't rack my brain trying to rephrase that whole sentence. :) Have a good day!

  35. Whoa. Wait a minute. How does that not match, Miss Smarty Pants? It's all hearts!!! It matches!!!

    Doesn't it?

    I prayed for you, this morning, out loud in my minivan.

    Oh, and yesterday? I pinned your one salad I love on Pinterest. It took me forever to figure it out...mostly because (I'm afraid to say it out loud!) I think I might have a virus on my new laptop? Things keep shutting down randomly. It's terrifying.

  36. Hey, Shannan, was just catching up with your blogposts today, and sorry to hear you have been having a ragged time. I dunno if it helps, but my most wretched and exhausted time ever was when my kids were about exactly your kids age, I think it was an accumulation, a mighty great mountain of exhaustion I hurtled into headfirst. A sleep deprivation jugganaut. Panicky feelings, weak feelings, I just don't have the energy to to this day after day feelings. I loved so much in my life, but just felt leached of all my normal emotional and physical energy. I was told to make sleep a priority, and natural food and slow breathing. Balance returned a few months down the line. Everything passes even when you don't believe it will. Be kind to yourself I was told, don't keep taking on so much. Just telling you this in some vague belief some tiny thing in other people's experiences can occasionally be a piece of the jigsaw, even if it is a teeny way up top left blue sky piece!

    Love that your girl really does wear her heart on her multicoloured sleeve, and rubs your back. Thinking of you, Bxx

  37. Your daughter is a doll...just the sweetest. Sounds like she and my daughter were cut from the same cloth, and not just stylistically speaking. I had a really bad day and then my daughter left me a not on my pillow saying she thinks of me as a queen. You should have seen the picture she drew to go along with it. Slay my heart. It picked me right up from my bad place. You've gotta see the picture. You'll laugh.

    Glad you got to go out with a friend last night. That always helps. Praying today is good for you.

  38. Hey Shannybanany. I'm just catching up on your blog today and sending you love and peace and hugs. I hope it's snowing there today and you feel yourself surrounded by the loveliness. I hope you know how loved you are.

  39. Potassium overload is NO joke.

    You are hilarious and for the record: I am not more concerned with you than I was before. I think your honesty is refreshing. I have days (they are rare, because I find it better to focus on the good as I've experienced that it really DOES make life easier. So when I'm about to ask "Why me?" I just ask "Oh dammit..why NOT me??")where I have said aloud AND to my bff "What is the point of all of this crap? where is the point??" I also believe we all go through things to learn empathy. Empathy is better than sympathy anyday.

    Ruby's outfit: That is so unbelievably sweet!! What a little doll/sweetheart/some other word that has yet to be invented. I love children. Their pure and kind hearts. I "feel" like I'm going to get my baby in four years. That's another convo entirely.

    My best moment recently: When we finally got an insurance/disability payment a month late! Yep, I actually cried as I looked at our bank balance. I can live without a lot, I'm good at the dollar store and saving, etc..but I'm not going to was getting a bit scary.

    For the record: Another smoke alarm started dying last night! At around 10pm I heard it tweeting...RIGHT before my hubby left for work. He got up there, took the battery out (I like to pronounce it as "batt-TREE" like my bff grandma does)and had to fight with it. It made me realize my defeat that night last fall wasn't all about me, those things are just annoying!

    As you know, I love you kid. You have a way with words.

    This also made my day last night:


    You are hilarious.



  40. My two year old grand daughter came over yesterday. When I went out to great her she started running to me yelling "Mimi!" and she had a smile almost bigger than her face... not much can beat that boomerang moment!

  41. keeping you in our prayers, girl!
    He will see you through!

  42. Oh my gosh...I am misty eyed over that Ruby. She is a little keeper.

  43. That little sweetie is ADORABLE! I have recently been trying to allow my daughter to choose...she has come up with some doozies...but it's ok, because she is also ADORABLE! Especially in a pink skirt with sequin trim, pink shirt, again sequin trim and purpley plaid tights with pink rain boots with flowers on them...oh and a purple and blue crocheted poncho! Gawjus!!!

  44. I love that Ruby dressed to impress you. Hearts. Precious.
    My moment? Holding my fevered baby in the shower, with his head snuggled on my shoulder.

  45. my brussel sprout was walking into the kitchen and stopping dead in surprise at all that white swirling down out the bay-ish window. i love when God shakes my life into a snow globe.

    my extra helping of brussels was reading this: So know that you're not alone in the crazy. Know. It.

    i do. i know it. and when i'm having a moment, believe you me that thinking, 'shannan is probably experiencing this very same version of crazy a hundred miles north of here' is oddly comforting. bless you for being such good company.

  46. very proud of your best southern "allayall'zes" ....very proud.

    I say it like this:: AWE YAW...No L's. :)

    my best moment FAR when I had a WIN moment as a parent with my oldest.
    I grabbed hold of the grace that God freely gives me and I offered it to yelling. no guilt trip. just love and forgiveness and grace.

    it felt amazing. I've been thanking Jesus all day for loving me that way every minute of every day.

  47. My brussel sprout moment was when an old friend reminded me that the coffee is always free at his place. A simple reminder of friendship after a cranky, hormonal, self doubting day. God is sweet to me thru people sometimes. Thank u for ur funny and sweet posts :)

  48. how did I miss this love soaked post?
    well, you made me cry. ruby too,withher sweet fashion. mercy.
    i'm crying because i always need reminding to look and find that joy.

    tonight elijah was running through the house, full speed and in circles. hands raised, wild hair bouncing and his eyes shut all the while. he kept banging into the wall as he rounded through the kitchen. he laughed so hard every time! he hasn't laughed like that in forever. it was beautiful. chaotic, but so good.

    love you. happiest weekend to you, enjoy your family!

  49. I don't waste my time on pretend cupcakes.

    I go straight to pretend Nordstrom shopping sprees.

    Rachel=#1 pretend gift giving blogging friend.

  50. I love this post <3 I only just discovered your blog, you have a beautiful family. :)