Monday, January 16, 2012

One Word :: Seek

I tried to make myself believe this year that I didn't need a resolution and that I didn't even need a word. You know the ones - the "pick one word and focus on it all year long" ones. I figured I had enough to focus on. I didn't need one more word.

Also, I purposely like to jump off band-wagons. It's a long-standing inclination of mine.

The problem is, I just really like words. I like love them. I love the way I can fit them together in a way that tells myself how I feel about an important thing. I love that I can butcher them up at will and they still take my calls the next day. 

At first I thought my word was "Surrender", because I've still got a lot of crap I need to let go of.

But on further review, the choice was obvious. Seek.

It's phase two of surrender, or at least it is for me. I feel like I've taken up surrender over the past year in the very same way I took up the saxophone in fifth grade. I  picked it up and started practicing, but mostly I kept it in its case. I lugged that blasted thing home most days just for the sake of doing it, because it was expected. Of course, the real expectation was not to haul it to and from school every day. I was supposed to pull it out, dust it off and really get to know it. I was supposed to fall in love with it. Instead of falling in love, I did just enough to do well. I missed the possibility of a sweeping affair.

At first letting go of things and ideas and the house of my dreams felt like a lynching. But then it started to feel exhilarating. And now it feels lost, somedays. How does that happen in the span of a year?

I think I'm just hauling it around. I think I'm saying, "Alright God. Come and find me. Send people my way. Give me some great ideas. I'll hook it up." I'm lugging it around and yeah, it's still cumbersome enough to make me feel like I'm doing something. But it's heavy and I don't like the way it bangs against my knees. I'd rather save myself the trouble, some days.

Surrender only gets you so far when all it is is a willingness, a good girl thing to say and think and believe. It's the slightly edgier cousin to "I'd go...but I'm not called." Surrender is giving - not just saying that I'm willing to give. It's active, not passive.

So now I look all around and I still see people with the capacity to smash me open and drain me out. They're out there. They're around town, even if they're not landing conveniently on my doorstep.

If I give a rip - and I do - I'll find them. I'll hunt them the heck down. I'll pull surrender out of the box and play it.


I'd like to seek the heart of God more. I'd like to go there first, for a change.

I'd like to stalk the little glimmery bits hidden in what have been long stretches of hard, gray days.

I know for sure that when I go looking for things, I almost always find them.

So here I am. I'm looking.

The Lettered Cottage