Friday, January 27, 2012

On Convalescing

I'm here again, buried under blankets on the couch. Did you notice how I very casually implied in last night's post that I was under the weather? So polite, I am.

'Cause I'll be honest, what I really wanted to say is that 1) I was bitten by a rogue stomach bug from H-E-double hockey sticks (as Haven would say - at least to us).  2) Said rogue stomach bug ended my fourteen year reign as queen of the non-pukers. I was booted from the throne. Only...I was booted to the throne. The irony is not lost on me.

Aren't you glad I didn't tell you all of that last night? Who wants to read about puke? No one, that's who.

But really, that fourteen year thing. It hurts.

I truly believed my body, through a personal history of food poisoning and sheer strength of will, had adapted itself to eliminate the need for something so...distasteful. I was so proud. And now, here I am, with Cory and all the commoners. What a fall from grace.

Is this how Kim Kardashian feels right now?

I have a new recipe I want to share with you, but it will have to wait a few days. Right now I'm still on a stringent diet of cinnamon toast, applesauce, hot tea and 7-Up.

And chips and salsa.

It couldn't be helped. I was craving something salty and plain tortilla chips seemed innocent enough. But then Ruby heard me crunching and she wanted in on the action. And she wanted "the sauce". Yeah baby, Mama wants the sauce, too.

So I poured myself a little bowl.

See, conventional wisdom says that the ideal post-flu meal is chicken noodle soup. But what happens when chicken noodle soup is the very thing that was...uh...dispelled?

I'm a good wife. I made a giant batch of homemade chicken noodle soup for Cory during his convalescence. It was my best batch yet. I had seconds. Sue me. I followed it with a blood orange for a late night snack.

Chicken noodle soup and an orange made me deathly ill. There's no end to the irony.

For now, I'm feeling mostly better, but don't tell Cory. He's being extra doting and attentive and I plan to milk my convalescence for as long as possible. I think it might recuse me from doing dishes tonight.

Recuse. I don't believe I've ever blogged that word before.

What if the stomach flu made me smarter? I'll keep you posted.

In closing, I have 3 burning comments. I know they're no longer timely, but maybe you'll bear with me. I'm still quite terribly sick, after all. (cough cough)

1. What caused Jessica Biel to wear a dress to the Golden Globes that appeared to give her a third, lace boob? How does this sort of thing happen in Hollywood? She's so pretty, that Jessica Biel. I enjoy the look of her mouth. And I don't care one bit if that sounds creepy. If you're reading this, Jessica Biel, don't feel bad. These things happen and we actually like it when we see that you're just like the rest of us in a very toothsome, Golden Globes-presenting, Justin Timberlake-marrying kind of way.

2. Why in the world did Bradley Cooper look so terrified when he was presenting? #stagefrightfever

3. Why was everyone up in Elton John's grill?

4. Why was everyone up in George Clooney's grill?

5. Why did Angelina Jolie wear a dress that was the exact inverse of my Senior Prom dress?

6. Why didn't she pair hers with dyed-to-match red shoes and red nylons like I did?

7. Doesn't she know how sexy bright red sheer stockings truly are?

8. Why isn't Brad Pitt cute anymore?

9. Why does Zoey Deschanel always look so cute, no matter what?

10. Charlize Theron? Why? Just why?

11. Why do I love Jessica Chastain so much even though I barefly know her?

12. Again with the barefly.

13. Do all the "hot" starlets envy Tina Fey? They should.

I could go on and on. But I'm getting weaker by the minute. Time to dial up salsa delivery and hunker down with season 5 of Friday Night Lights. The clock is ticking, you know... Come tomorrow I'll be up to my elbows again in dishes and personal hygiene and meal prep. So for tonight? I shamelessly convalesce.


  1. I have to disagree with #8. He still is my go-to dreamy guy. Turning into the likes of Robert Redford, that one is.

    Feel better soon! My youngest just finished her first nasty, massive the car.... In the middle of nowhere....

  2. Jessica's reading this for sure. She'd be a fool not too. Sucks to be sick, but glad you are feeling better. Thought of you today as my little family went out hunting for treasures. I didn't come home with a lone duplo, but we did find many other fun things that just needed a place in our home :) Enjoy your night off, and your chips and salsa too!

  3. I have so many things to say here.

    There's just... no words.

    I read that Angelina and Brad are now pondering the idea of marriage.

    What the heck?

    What could have ever prompted to even consider such a thing....ummmm..... maybe like 27 kids?


    I think Brad was holding out to see how Jenny A came out on her end, and since she's still rocking it and clearly has no need for him to come back and rescue her, then he's now willing to commit to Angie?

    What? What?


    I've gotten myself worked up into a tizzy.

    And another thing. I've been rethinking Keek's name all because of those crazy Kardashians. Seriously.

    I don't want to jinx her with the double K.

    I hope you feel better. I really hate that you are so unwell.

    It does make for interesting reading though.

    Tell Siles I was praying for his little body today. Bless it.


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  5. feel better, girl.
    it is going around here, too.

    hoping and praying it doesn't hit us.

  6. every good mama knows how to milk it for all it's worth. plus, it's been 14 whole years; you have to make up for lost time. didn't watch the Golden Globes. feeling way out of the loop...

  7. Oooh I had it too this week and I feel your pain....and your enjoyment over being doted on by your hubby. Only serious prob: the enormous hunger that has overtaken me since I recovered, plus the need to say OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO DELICIOUS about every morsel I put in my mouth. 36 hours of the stomach bug will do that to ya. Wishing you a speedy recovery girl! You'll be eating those gruyere and avocado grilled sangies in no time straight!

  8. Why did I not watch the Golden Globes this year? Why do I not know about 27% of the celebs you mentioned? I clearly do not get out enough.
    Hope you are 100% soon.

  9. Well, Pukey…who DOESN'T want to get up in George Clooney's grill?

    You should see him in little basketball shorts. Ahhh...I'm sorry…what?

    : )

    Julie M.

  10. Oh Lordy. The stomach flu has definitely made you funnier. (Is that a word? It is now.) But you were pretty dang funny to start with! Feel better!

  11. Sorry to read you're sick, but I must say you're my favorite read. :)

  12. Oh my gosh. This had me laughing out loud so many times. I even read the comment regarding J. Biel's mouth to my husband. Hysterical.

  13. feel so better, mama! this post had me in all sorts of stitches.


  14. I heart your blog! You make me laugh, and I needed a laugh tonight! Sorry to read that you've had the pukes. Feel better soon!

  15. I'm so sorry to hear about your no-vomit streak coming to an end. I've got one of those too and feel forever immune to puke. Say it ain't so!! I suddenly have lost hope that I could go the rest of my life without spewing.

    Your posts always brighten my day so thanks for being funny despite your current condition!

  16. Ug. Da pukes. I am on quite a roll myself and fear that your post could jinx me. Can you get the stomach bug via the internet? Either way, feel better Farmgirl.

  17. Feel better. at least you haven't lost your sense of humor.
    I liked Friday Night Lights.......they always take off the good ones.
    I never did think Brad was cute.

  18. oh, i hope you do milk it. and then feel super better.
    and am i lame? didn't watch the golden globes.
    also, i don't think i care. ha. but i do think jessica biel is quite lovely.

    sending hugs and praying for you! xo

  19. You're funny when you're sick, Farmgirl.
    You're funny when you're not sick, too.
    So glad to hear about all the FNL hunkering that's going on there in your house of puke. I'm still working on season one of Mad Men. And now the Coopster is going on and on about the Big Love, so I am convinced that Mad Men was the wrong choice for me. I should have listened to your Big Love advice. Plus, I'm a little obsessed with Ginnifer Goodwin as Snow White on Once Upon A Time, so it only stands to reason that I'd also enjoy her performance as a sister wife.
    Feel better, FPFG.

  20. You were polite about the illness...what did you even say "Was a wee bit tired today.."???

    I hate puking. I know that everyone does, but I seriously don't do well with that or nausea in any form. I was really sick on Monday. The only reason I didn't puke is because my hubby is a nurse. Then HE got sick.

    Then he had "the nerve" after a full day to eat...toast..and got sick again.

    It's been a fun week here as well.

    HOW on earth do you get through that type of illness with kids? I have always wondered that and...truth be scares me.

    I had a difficult time with my two dogs. The puppy doesn't "get" illness yet..he just wants to play..and then subsequently barks and cries after a few hours of being very bored while we were ill.

    The positive part: I am on Season 3 of "Damages" and I am almost finished with "The Help". If you have not read it, you must. GREAT read.

    I both despise and admire Patty Hewes. I love Ellen, but I don't really get her. Tom is likable, but now dead. Patty's son: Hilarious.

    I am hoping you are on the mend, kid!

    Sending you a virtual hug and some virtual toast. It's all I have to offer until I hit the market!



  21. PS: I was entirely shocked by Jessica Biel's dress choice for the Golden Globes. Ditto Meryl Streep (LOVE her!)- they both made TERRIBLE choices.

    Charlize Theron: She is beautiful, but always looks the same to me.

    Didn't like all of the blush tones. Some people look amazing in those colors, most do not.

    Tina Fey rocked. She looked amazing. I loved her dress. i love her. so smart. So talented. I had never wondered if the others wished that maybe they were her...but now I do. Thanks for planting a new thought!

    Kate Beckinsale: Looked amazing. Ditto Sofia Vergara. Others too..that I now cannot recall....

    Finally..I find it funny on the after awards shows where they talk best and worst dressed..specifically when they get to the guys and go on about tuxes. come on! Unless your tux is awful...all I can say is "Huh?"

    Peace out.

  22. So glad I'm not the only one thinking that about Brad Pitt. And to answer #5... you're just a girl ahead of your time. :)

  23. Yes, milk it.

    And I have to say that I'm at the 10 year mark this month! I remember so well because I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and battling a kidney stone. Excruciating pain plus dehydration plus pregnancy equals fun times. I hope typing the 10 year thing doesn't set me up for the fall to the throne. Just the grunge around here. Cough. Cough. Sneeze. Sniff.

    Speaking of grunge, I think that's why Brad Pitt isn't cute anymore.

  24. Okay, so I just learned a new word and I'm going to try and use it here.

    "I 'recused' myself from the Golden Globes because of my general lack of enthusiasm for who's who in Hollywood."

    Okay, did that make sense? Am I workin' it correctly? Am I the only one who had to look that one up??? :) I think I might be a nerd.

    The stomach flu is the worst in my book. You'll never look at chicken noodle the same way again. Glad you're on the mend!

  25. You crack me up! There is nothing worse than throwing up in my book...and I have not made a call on the big porcelain phone since I was 12. I am 27, so that would be 15 years for me...I'm not sure I want to claim 'queen of the non-pukers' at the risk of being dethroned and all that would entail :) Hope you feel better!

  26. Okay, I absolutely hate the word puke. It is the word that makes me feel gaggy. Is that even a word? We all use the word, 3 children included "throw up" or "got sick". It's only semantics I know. Of all the actresses I can think of I would love to look like Charlize for sure. Brad? I haven't thought he was delish for a couple of years now. Hope you feel better soon.

  27. feel better! my hubby got it last night out of nowhere....we spent 1.5 hours at a dumpster as he puked and puked. i'm a serial puker, so i know how much it sucks. baked potatoes always help my stomach....and that was a doctor's suggestion....maybe try that!

    i agree with you about brad pitt and zooey deschanel.....seriously who on earth has hair like that?!?!

  28. I cannot weigh in on if your flu bug made you smarter. However, it has in no way harmed your hilarity factor. I laughed out loud (literally lol'ed) 3 times during your post. I hope you feel better, and keep getting funnier. <3

  29. Re the Golden Globes:

    1. Can someone please give Madonna and Angelina Jolie some chips and salsa? Their skeleton skinny arms are creeping me out.
    2. I don't care for the toned down Ricky Gervais.
    3. Jane Fonda rocked her dress like nobody's business.
    4. I agree on Jess Beil's dress. Whoever decided she should wear a doily needs their stylist card revoked.

    Hope you feel better and.."Texas, forever, Six.".

  30. Hi~~ First I want to say that I am so sorry that you got so sick.. YUK~~~~~~But, I also want to say "Thanks" your posts always crack me up:)) Even the puking part. And your right, Brad pit isn't cute anymore:(( Too bad.
    Get some rest..(cough cough) this weekend

  31. Well, you know how I feel about Brad. I think we are on the same wavelength re the whole celebrity convo. I think faking sick rules and I'm sorry you actually WERE sick. That's a long time between pukes. Score!

  32. How do you manage to make puking funny? That post had me smiling and feeling sorry for you all at once. So sorry you're sick ... gross. I always hope that, as a mom, I've been given some special immunity to puking. Time will tell.

  33. I hope you start feeling much better soon!! Getting sick is never a fun thing:(

  34. I hope you get one whole day of rest : ) and LOTS and LOTS of salsa.

  35. Oh no. I hate to see you're sick but I think chips and salsa are gonna have to be the new remedy for flu like symptoms. I too can't keep the chicken down so yea, thanks for the advice on that one. *wink*wink*

    I love Zoey Deschanel as well and I couldn't agree more on her and her looks. I love her clothes, her bangs, her eyes and her voice. She kills me. SHe is just too darn cute for her own good. Brad? I think he's showing his age and not in a good way. Not that he's old but he looks "old". Too bad to. I remember him in Thelma and Louise and he was mighty fine. A river runs through it was another one he was stunning in. Sigh.

  36. oh tina fey. I pretty much feel like I am her, secretly. It helps my ego.

    feel better soon. But not too soon, wait until the dishes are done :)

  37. The issue with Brad Pitt? His hair. It needs to be short. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

    Hope you are feeling better soon!

  38. So, you know I think you're "the bomb" ... but that was more than 3 burning comments.

    I totally went to Chipotle' today, and thought of you while I ordered meat and paid for my guac. I couldn't do the veggies.

    Also - is that a beautiful blue glass dish filled with um... salsa?

    Feel better soon! (I just finished taking airborne, myself...) ~Sally

  39. Oh no! I hope you are feeling better and I wish I was half as funny as you are when I get the flu!!! And I often ponder how in the world some of these stars who are surrounded by people who supposedly love them, but let them walk out the door to a HUGE event dressed in an awful dress! They are so pretty, but some of those dresses...woooo weeee. But, I guess not to worry, next week they will be on another red carpet looking gorge as usual! Maybe they do it on purpose so as to make all of us "normal" people feel better and not loathe them for their flawless beauty ;)

  40. Hope you are feeling better soon! I have the same little blue glass bowl!

  41. Radical on the top of the that's DANGEROUS. :) Feel better! xoxo

  42. I hope you feel better. When you puke think of it as your body cleaning itself out. I hope that helps make it easier to deal with. I'm sure you will feel better in time and not need to puke.