Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Gift of a Blue-Tinged Day


Yesterday ended in a semi-usual way. I hunkered down into fleecy sheets, wrapped them up around my shoulders, and lamented the day's events. I should have been sleeping. Instead, I was sorting through every shade of blue; the midnight morning, the indigo afternoon, the cornflower dark of evening. It had been a bad day.

Of course it wasn't all bad, but when blue barges through the door and flings his overstuffed junky suitcase across my heart, all of the good, it loses its color and shape. It floats away for a while.

There in the dark, my toes pressed cold against Cory, I ticked down the list. I whispered quiet about the boy who usually makes the wrong choice, who, in spite of every honest effort and the grasping of wild straws spins through his days with little regard for anyone else in the room.

Maybe everyone gets short-changed in the surviving. Maybe we'll never know the grip of loss on his heart. Maybe this is just the way it's going to be.

But think of all the progress.

That's what Cory said.

Think of where we were a year ago.

I know, I know. But shouldn't we be further?

I confessed my sins to the ceiling, unready to quit the day. I layed bare my impatient, short-tempered heart. I held doubt in my hands and I reached it out. Someone, please, take it.

Is this really a gift? This part, right here? Then why does it feel impossible some days?

Our words stretched thin, the spaces between them gathered, we lost steam.

Down the quiet hall, a little boy coughed and stirred.

I walked blind to where he was, my fingertips guiding me along the wall. I grabbed him up, tucked him under my white fleecy sheets. We tossed and turned together. The fierceness of my love for him, of His love for both of us, melted the blue away. His foot found me, his breath steadied. His hair smelled like hope. I drifted back to sleep, back to peace, back to knowing for sure that this, all of it, is a gift.

49 comments:

  1. Darkness is a gift...hard to comprehend, even when it is said aloud. Perhaps it is because it takes that heart being laid bare before the Giver of gifts to realize the beauty found in the darkness. Praying BIG for you my friend.

    xo

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  2. Well. This is quite lovely :)

    My sister has adopted two precious little boys who fill their (our!) lives with the wondering and exhaustion, and the hope wrapped in the fierce love of which you speak :)

    ...and now I'm praying that your today is full of sunny yellows!

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  3. oh so sweet... unwrapping the simple because then you realize it's the most beautiful. and now i want some fleece sheets.

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  4. ahhh shan...that's the thing with individuals we are all different. my girls are complete opposites. one a rainbow bright and shiny and happy...the other a storm cloud of moods and lightning. it's just their personalities. i love them both equally despite my obvious preference for the sunshine. it's just how God wired them. not sure it has one thing to do with me and anything i've done. remember that. you are awesome. so is he...oh and he's little that's 90% of it.

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  5. so beautiful & heartfelt as only us mummy's can love....

    every day is blessed- even if it feels like it's the hardest one....

    hugs

    melissa (miss sew & so)
    x

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  6. Shannan this is so lovely. I guess we leave it up to God because He sure knows what He's doing. It may be hard but God gives you the strength. He picked you for this little lad.
    xo

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  7. Shannan, I hear so many echos from my own life in your posts about your kids. If only we could figure out these complex little creatures!!!! It's a beautiful thing that he is little enough to pick up and bring into bed with you at the end of a long hard day.

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  8. Oh how I've been in that *blue* lately! And yes--it's a gift! I unwrapped it, too.

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  9. beautifully said.
    you have a gift!
    YOU are a gift!!!

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  10. I have nothing to say through the tears in my eyes.

    xxoo

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  11. Girl, you wield words in a way that brings emotion to the surface in the truest way. I love to read here. And this post? Well, I think you've spoken the heart of most every mama on the planet. Thanks for the reminder that it's all a gift, and that there is hope even on the bluest of blue days.

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  12. So true and heart felt. Being a mommy is full of moments that I would like to bottle up and keep forever! The blue moments make the good moments shine even brighter.

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  13. this is beautiful, dear one. always blessed tremendously by your sharing here. i just read about waiting this morning...from my old pal spurgeon:

    "He shall not haste in his expectations, craving his good things at once and on the spot, but he will wait God's time. Some are in a desperate hurry to have the bird in the hand, for they regard the Lord's promise as a bird in the bush, not likely to be theirs. Believers know how to wait... He shall not haste by plunging into wrong or questionable action.

    Unbelief must be doing something, and thus it works its own undoing; but faith makes no more haste than good speed, and thus it is not forced to go back sorrowfully by the way which it followed heedlessly. How is it with me? Am I believing, and am I therefore keeping to the believer's pace, which is walking with God?"

    be encouraged, keep noticing those gifts of yours! sending you hugs and praying for you. love you, shannan!

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  14. When we adopted our son we had so many bad days. I mean really bad days. They would make your head spin. Somedays were just hard to get through. He was very angry and agressive. Sometimes he would bite me and I would be afraid to look thinking there would be no skin left. It is hard sometimes but it is still worth it.

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  15. God has a great destiny and purpose for our little guy. You are slowly unwrapping his little soul, to expose the what God has created him to be. Now for a wonderful day.....enjoy!

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  16. Oh, friend...how I love your heart...

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  17. I always stop by and see how our well is doing, and I get so excited!! Shan, I can't wait to see our brothers and sisters in heaven some day knowing we had a hand in giving them water!! A whole village!!! God is doing great things.

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  18. I read once: when they act in ways that make you want to push them away (or run) most, that's when you should grab them up and love them hardest. That's what you did, and it was the right thing, and you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.

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  19. This is beautiful. I have been struggling with similar things lately, and I think you wrapped it up nicely and handed my feelings to me, in a way that I can understand. You have motivated me to be more thankful today.

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  20. Oh friend, your words have made me cry. I can relate. Oh to see all of it as the gift that it is. You are beautiful and I want a heart just like yours.

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  21. One of those sleepless nights made better when we've wrapped a little in our arms and felt the deep sleep of security. You say it so much better.

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  22. When Blue flings his junky suitcase around my life, I struggle to fight him. You, brave girl, are doing a good job.

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  23. This isn't the first time I've cried while reading your words - but this post - the last part? Took my breath away. I appreciate that you keep sharing - even (especially) the blue parts.

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  24. What sweetness you have for your little one.

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  25. Wow! You have a way with words, Girl! Beautifully written and so powerful. Lovely all around.

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  26. wow. that describes how some of my nights are spent, too. but you put it into such beautiful words. praying for you.

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  27. Shannon, reading your writing makes me feel unworthy to ever pick up a pen again. Stunningly beautiful. Not just the words, but the heart behind them. Thank you.

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  28. i love this post. and i wish i would have had the gumption to read it last night while i was wallowing in the deep blue. your words are so comforting. xoxo, girlfriend.

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  29. Visiting from Chatting at the Sky...

    This is my first visit here and I'm so thankful I hopped over.

    What a lovely post, one I could relate to as a momma. Thank you for your transparency.

    I'm a new follower. Excited to read more of what HE shares through you.

    Have a blessed evening...

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  30. Melt my heart, why dontcha!
    xxoo
    heather

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  31. Hang in there , God is doing the most beautiful work in you through all the seasons of Good as well as tough .I can recal a rough spot with the news of our last child. We thought we were done only eight years later , Surprise!I loved my life befor and it was slipping through my hands like water. I felt God wisper in my ear , she is what you need, you are what she needs . Life now 9 years after her Birth , a true treasure could not imagine life without her .

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  32. Dearest friend, it is hard to comment after a post such as this. But I must type something so you know I have been here, wept, and prayed.
    ~G~xo

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  33. Another great post, you are a gifted writer..hope you know. Perhaps you need some comfort food from East TN? (hint to visit my page):)

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  34. Love this post! Your words are just gorgeous!! I will hug my little ones a little tighter after reading this tonight.

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  35. What a beautiful post. You touch my heart deeply. So much that I'm your newest follower and I'll be back. Keep on sharing ... my heart needs it.

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  36. I can't tell you how much I love this post. No really, I can't. Words fail me right now. I feel your pain.

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  37. Just thinking of you. I came to this blog for the fashion but stayed for the faith! :)

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  38. Been there with a very hard-to-love 2 year-old from China. He's 9 now and a bit easier to love. The whole journey has been a great lesson to me in God's mercy & grace. Lessons I may have never learned were it not for my boy. Prayers for you tonight.
    Amy

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  39. Hoping you had a sunshiny yellow day today, Shanny. You are the real deal, little missy.
    Hugs to you and yours.

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  40. Sheesh. me n Teresa. Same time. Great minds. yada yada. Was checking in to say I hope your day was all shades of peach, pink, coral...
    Prayin' for your sweet family. You are so blessed to have each other!
    xo

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  41. "Maybe everyone gets short-changed in the surviving. Maybe we'll never know the grip of loss on his heart. Maybe this is just the way it's going to be."

    this post is beautiful. how i know that doubt and fear. and how quickly it can be calmed down.

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  42. My sweet Shanny - I love thee. It gets easier. Then it gets harder. Then it gets intolerable. Then it gets better. Then it gets glorious. I'm learning to go with the flow of it all - refusing to worry - just learning to rest and pick the good out of the big steaming piles of poo. xo

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  43. "Is this really a gift? {{This part, right here?}} Then why does it feel impossible some days?"

    Three years ago we adopted twin 1 yr olds from our own area (added to the two children we were previously blessed with), and... wow... let me just say I feel this. In a deep, gut-wrenching way. Bittersweet. Thank you so much for sharing... all of it.

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  44. Wow. This was stunning. And I can completely understand it, being an adoptive mama myself. Beautiful words!

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