Thursday, September 29, 2011

Slow Pull



I feel like time is pulling away from me right now. My house is a wreck, my baby has not made it out of his jammies for two days running. I walk around outside in golden air and in rain, rain, rain, and I wonder why it never really mattered that much, until now.

I have loved this farm. It's inspired me, brought me untold joy. Still, there was always a tiny sliver of something missing. I could have been content to stay here forever. But I wouldn't have insisted on it.

Knowing all of this, it's confusing to watch my kids run down the barn hill and feel like life will never be the same again.

How many hours did I really love this land? Not that many, really. I loved the idea of it, the quiet of it, but not necessarily it.

What is it in us that makes us believe that it's easier to just stay? Why did I ever decide that my life and my home were one and the same?

I know you'd like some answers. I'm excited to start dishing, trust me. But it's not all settled up quite yet, so I'll wait just a bit longer.

I can hear the orchestra doing that buzzy, jolting, tuning thing they do behind the curtain. None of it makes sense and you wonder why they don't all just pick a note and go with it, give us a little confidence that the rest of the show will be worth it.

A moment later and the curtains part to the kind of silence that forces you to keep looking. And then.

So, I'm playing a C and Cory might be just a bit ahead of me. This house is a G, the one we're hoping to buy is an F#. It all sounds sort of awful together, but we're behind the velvet drapes, so who really cares?

Here in just a second or two it'll come together, a beautiful thing. When it does, you'll be the first to hear.

40 comments:

  1. That is such a beautiful metaphor, the orchestra getting into tune, preparing for the show. I think I'm in a similar place, but right now I can't even see all the orchestra members...I think they're practicing at home for now. But I'll keep waiting.

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  2. Such a tease! No matter where though, you have a home.

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  3. A home is where your family is....

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  4. Great analogy. I'm waiting, listening, in a little black dress with goose bumps on my arms. (Okay, not the dress or goose bumps---that part is just embellishment.)

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  5. "Why did I ever decide that my life and my home were one and the same?"

    Love. That.

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  6. But we KNOW God is the conductor, so everything will sound divine, when the curtain goes up. So keep your eyes on Him, He knows how to bring it all together and make it BEAUTY FULL!!!!!

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  7. "It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow." --Elisabeth Elliot

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  8. This spoke volumes to my soul. I could have written this very post. It will be so fun to compare notes when the music comes together. Praying for you ...

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  9. your imagery is perfect.
    funny to have been sent in the opposite direction. i find i have moments i stand, bewildered, at how i have come to live on a farm and have a cow i milk when not so long ago, i was a city girl.

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  10. "None of it makes sense and you wonder why they don't all just pick a note and go with it, give us a little confidence that the rest of the show will be worth it." Friend, these words brought me to tears. I don't know if it is the music comparison that gets me or the fact that I feel like I am trying to trust that the rest of the show (of my life) will be worth it, but thank you for sharing your words.

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  11. Now is about the time you need to start reading 'The Gift of the Ordinary Day' by Katrina Kennison. I read it right about as we were to change our life and on that cusp of 'what in the world are we doing?'. She talks about change and what home really is and kids and life and puts it in a way that totally resonated with me. So that's my tid-bit for today. Can't wait to hear your music when it all comes together.

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  12. Girl, your words sing to me of beauty, gratitude and grace. Love you!

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  13. I am right beside you. We have now sold. Such relief but I keep asking are we doing the right thing...because we are looking at a change...and I am scared. We might trade suburbia for the city! Oh my I can't wait to hear what is in store for YOU:)

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  14. Beautiful post. All things will work out, and pretty soon you will be making that new house a wonderful home/haven for you and your sweet family. Your music will be lovely and we are waiting with bated breath to hear and see the beauty that is about to be.

    FlowerLady

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  15. I'm the one in the front row, in my best dress, waiting for the show to start. I'll probably clap at the wrong times and want the intermission to hurry along but I promise there will be a standing ovation at the end and we'll be praising the conductor together! Blessings!

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  16. This is a beautiful post. I remember when we moved and I had such a hard time leaving the house where I had brought both of my babies home. They had never known any other place and for some reason it made me crazy until I finally accepted the fact that it was just a house and not our home. I look forward to reading about your journey.

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  17. I love this post too. I feel like I can apply it to my own situation. I know you know what that is. Thanks for the perspective and thank you for sharing your beautiful words.

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  18. All things work together for good... you know the words. Hugs and prayers for an easy transition.

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  19. What beautiful music you make with your life and words.

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  20. oh I feel you, really. I am truly surprised by how much I miss my farm, because it wasn't without it share of problems. I miss our whole way of life back on the farm, even though the whole way of life had issues. I have yet to feel at home in my new state, even though it was miraculous getting here, I thought I would feel at peace and settled and able to just live life....sorry I'm not very encouraging to you.

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  21. After 20+ years in our home we're thinking of downsizing.
    It makes sense, but the thought of leaving this house full of crayon marks and memories makes me sad.
    Planting new roots is inevitable. Blessings to you!

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  22. What a gorgeous analogy. You have such a gift. I can't wait to hear the music.
    xo

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  23. Beautiful. Thank you!

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  24. Oh, how you put your feelings into words...beautiful!

    I am feeling much of the same feelings, as we need to take the next step to move on from the place we've called home for 11 years. We've spent so much energy making it our home....I've brought all my babies home to this house. Leaving is a bittersweet thought...I can empathize with you, for sure! I'm anxious to see your new adventure unfold...

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  25. You just put into words what I've been struggling with the past two months. I need to remember that my life and my home are not one and the same. Unfortunately, I love our apartment. I hate sleeping and doing laundry in a basement. It'd be nice to actually decorate and make a place our own. But, for some reason, I'm stuck. We've started looking at houses too and it's scary. I've been dragging my feet. Maybe the one we see tonight will be it. Good luck with your move! I can't wait to hear you figure things out! I could use your wisdom and advice.

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  26. You are so right about our life and our home not needing to be one and the same. I desperately want to move, to give my girls more space to roam, but it's not happening yet. And I am regularly having talks with myself about enjoying things now and finding joy and appreciation with what we DO have.
    Wishing you peace as you start this next journey.

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  27. Sitting here in the middle of my own symphony, I am patiently waiting to hear yours.

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  28. Life's symphonies are beautiful chaos.

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  29. What a beautiful way of describing the wait!

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  30. That was well said. And you have a gift for describing those moments.
    Such a beautiful picture. Beautiful place- and the next place will be beautiful in a different kind of way, too- I don't doubt it. :)

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  31. You aren't alone! I have been so overwhelmed with life as of late...as I complained to a dear friend the other evening, she said to me "you sound like a housewife." I thought "well, I suppose I am." A housewife with a full time job and a part time job and a dog and two cats and twelve chickens and a big old messy MAN. (the messiest of all animals!)
    hang in there...it is all we can do! xo, Cheryl

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  32. love this post so much. have been thinking of you a lot lately. it's true that home is where the heart is. and your heart is a citizen of this great big world. i can't wait to hear where the beat of it is taking you! xoxo

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  33. You'll soon be singing the Hallelujah chorus...
    A wonderful post!!

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  34. Hi there, can you email me your address for tomorrow? Elma elma2179@yahoo.com

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  35. Beautiful post.
    I find myself waiting anxiously with you...
    :) Jodi

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  36. It seems to me the time to pull out of me at this time. My house is a wreck, my child did not do it two days in his pajamas.....

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