Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Worst Thing About It

So, there was a reptile guy at camp one day.

He had an Australian accent and I was skeptical at first, but I think it was legit.

I'm an expert on these things, because I'm really good at singing along with Missy Higgins.

He yammered on for a whoiell (that's "while" in Australian, but I'm sure you already knew that) and then he said, "Yeeoe! In the grain shut! Geet ope eeyah!"

I looked across the tabernacle to where Calvin sat in his green shirt just as he looked down at his own chest (Yep, he's talking to me.) and marched right on up. The first one out the gate.

Homeboy is nervous about things like heights and go-karts and remotely sinister movies, but he's all over wildlife. He's got Creature Power.

Pardon the grainage. I had the measly peasly point-and-shoot and I was zoomed way in.

But come on, what Mama wouldn't be proud of this? None, that's who. He rocked that ball python.

The reptile dude started getting all bossy calling kids up front. I took this shot and thought I'd use it in a blog post and say something funny about it. (It's true, I often think in Bloganese.)

But a few minutes later, things took a turn.

He said something like, "Nowe eets toim fuw thu muthas!"

And he looked straight at me. Only at me. Straight and only at me.

I shook me head no.

He said "Yeays."

I said no.

He said "Geet ope eeyah."

Then Calvin started cheering up in his corner and I wasn't about to be shown up by my often-fraidy-cat kid, so I got the stink up.

He gathered a few more muthas together and then I died.

And then a strong breeze wafted over from the cafeteria and I was revived.

photo courtesy of Jennie Warner

And then the snake muscles slithered in my hands and I may have died again. That one wasn't confirmed. But I'm pretty sure.

photo courtesy of Evan Hicks

The only reason I'm here to tell about it is that I was not up near the head. The reptile guy kept getting all cute and sticking the head right in a poor Mama's face down at the other end of the line.

(I just full-body shuddered just thinking about it.)

Had I been down near the head, which I would NOT have been, but if I had been, it would've looked a little more like this.

The good news is, I was rocking the striped skirt for my near death experience.

No way could the Pom Poms have handled it.

No offense, Poms.

photo courtesy of Evan Hicks

The best part of all was that I was lined up next to her. I don't know her name, but she was exactly as tall as my shoulder and I just knew I liked her. I just knew.



  1. It was a definite that the poms couldn't have handled the pressure of that snake. So glad you jumped up and proved that Moms are strong and wild--just like their boys. Your boy is proud of you, I know it. Evan would much rather take pictures of you holding a snake than be called up to hold a what-cha-ma-call-it, or just eat chips. He likes chips.

  2. snakes are one of my favorite animals.

    way to go, calvin! and mutha, too ;)

  3. oh, and a shout out to your sis for letting you rock the Morocco shirt--thank goodness for a NEW shirt! ;)

  4. Seriously?! Typing in an accent. That has to be a resume worthy skill. So glad you survived the snake. G'day!

  5. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm sitting here in my quiet dining room/office all by my lonesome saying your Aussie words aloud. It's the only way I could figure out what they were... good phonetic deciphering, girl.

    And yeah. The only place I have been more than happy to hold a big ol' snake is overseas. It just seems normal there for some odd reason.

  6. Oh. My. Goodness. I don't know how you survived it! Surviving the muthahood!

  7. I screamed and DROPPED the computer. EEEEEK! You are so brave. And good call. The pom pom's {cute as they be} could NEVER handle a snake like that.

    Bloganese : ) I love it!

  8. You and all those other muthas were very brave. No way would I survive that. (abd thank goodness we don't all speak like that or maybe I just got used to listening to it.

    Rina ... Our Slice of Heaven

  9. My sister has a ball python that she is trying to pan off on me. never. in. a. million. years.
    Also, I can't believe you did that. I guess I underestimated you.

  10. E-Gads! I just did the full body shudder!! I would faint out cold if I was asked to hold a snake - you go girl!!

  11. When I was younger I used to love catching and playing with baby garter snakes. Now that I am older, they F-R-E-A-K me out! I swear they can sense that I do not like them and they insist on sun bathing on my front step. First I scream, then I run the other way until I compose myself enough to go to the garage to get my heavy leather gloves and the critter cage with a tight fitting top. It freaks me out to pick them up and place them in the cage, but it is a necessary evil. I make sure that the cover is clipped on tightly before loading the cage in the car and driving across town to some fields, where I release it. I relocated 15 two years ago, but only 3 or 4 this year. My hubby won't let me kill them, so I figure relocating them miles away is best. He used to just throw them in the back yard - but they would come back. I know - I marked one once to check. I have even been known to call my neighbor to remove a snake so that I could get back into my house. I refuse to walk over them! I could never have done what you did!

  12. U r doing so funny.I like ur funny pictures.

  13. Your Australian 'writing' is a little interesting :-D

    I'm an Aussie (live about 2 hours from Sydney). Looking at the reptile handler guy (without the insight of your post) I can 'see' he looks very Australian. My dad sports the same jaw and bald head! lol

    And as for those pythons, while they aren't around in our backyards (although as we speak our resident possum just belly slammed on our roof -big thud) they're 'common.' Mostly as pets -you need a permit and proper enclosure to keep them but they're kinda common.

    But must confess I've seen more brown and red bellied black (venomous) snakes in residential areas around here than I have diamond pythons.... And I don't live in the outback either! lol. They like warm concerete areas, especially in summer.

    So yeah, come to Australia.... snakes, belly-slamming possums and just beware of anything concrete which a snake might find warm to snuggle up to... ahem. :-D

    Did he have a blue tongue lizard?? They're 'cuter' as reptiles go. lol

  14. Ha ha! Reading from Australia too (2 hours from Syd as well! Coincidence??!!) Snakes are fun when they're not in your house. We had a red belly in the house a few months ago. Now that was fun....not!

  15. What in the world kinda camp were you at that a reptile guy was asked to come. If he would've called my name, I would've run out the back door. Heck, the first glimpse of that snake, and I would've been out the door. I am terrified of snakes. Too many times my hubby has chased me around with one. Ugh! I'm getting chills right now!

  16. oh my gosh, girl! you've got me completely cracked up! the australian accent slayed me :) and no, your poms would have flown off you and out the door at the sight of that snake. and i can't think of a scarier thing than to be skirtless on a stage holding a python! ha!!

  17. Oh my. You had to do it. No choices there. Now Calvin knows that his Momma is capable of anything! Also, I know for sure that guy was a real Aussie. I can tell just by looking at him. His face is very Australian.

  18. There is a picture of me in my high school yearbook holding a big, old ugly python like that. My best friend was student council president, and she volunteered me to help during an assembly on reptiles. With friends like that...

    Anyway. I can't decide which creeps me out more--snakes or clowns. It's a toss-up.

    Props to Calvin. He's got mad creature-power skills.

  19. I cracked up cause I shuddered looking at those pictures and then I came upon your shuddering comment. Goose bumps. I absolutely hate snakes and frogs. I jump up and down and scream when one is in the yard. No way you would have brought me up front to touch that snake.

  20. I bet you earned all kinds of mom points! The lady standing next to you looks really nice.

  21. I'd of totally been shown up by my shame here.

    But, from the picture, the middle didn't look so bad.

    Note: From the picture.

    :-) heather

  23. ok I'm sure I've told you I have a ridiculous fear of snakes, like totally irrational, this story is up in my top five of greatest fears: a bossy snake guy the forces me on stage to hold a snake. So glad you weren't by the head :)

  24. I've loved reading about your time at church camp. Such a special place! But I was not prepared for the crazy funniness of giant snake at church camp! Thanks for the laugh this morning. :)

  25. oh no you didn't. I would have really died and then had snake dreams that night.

  26. You are so funny! I held on tight to Maddie (my baby),the whole time he was scouting out the mammas. There was no way I was going up there. It's worked for me the past 3 years he has come.
    I should have warned you. :)

  27. Okay! I didn't click on your little blue linky cause I just know that's at least 2 snakes for you (that's 2 MORE than for me....shudder)! I remember seeing a picture. I mean really HOW could one forget something like that???
    Now the Bloganese bit....I can relate to that. It's an addictive acquired language...never seen anything like it!!! ;)


  28. And here I thought you were already as awesome as a girl could possibly get. But no. Not only are you fluent in Aussie speak/spell, you are also a snake whisperer. And I just heard a rumor that you've got yourself some teleporting skillz. Please put those skillz to use. Pronto. Fo-reels.

  29. FPFG, you are on fire (also pronounced "far" in these parts, if we're talking accents :)!! Always enjoy reading you, but lately, somehow, you have kicked it up a notch!

  30. I WOULD HAVE DIED! I feel like dying just looking at those pictures. You are one brave mama. law.

  31. I knew I liked your style, I have that same Morocco t-shirt, only mine's so well-worn that there's no longer any gold on the camera! And I think there's a good reason we don't care for snakes, and a reason Satan chose to use the snake to tempt Eve. Yuck! Brave mama you are.

  32. Ha! Ha! "No way could the Pom Poms have handled it." I'm glad you made it through!

  33. no joke, the lady next to you looks like she's hugging that big old snake!

    This is hilarious. I think I would've needed a paper bag! :)

  34. I would been fa-reek-ed out to hold that snake. Props to Calvin for being so brave...and to you! You are a much braver woman than I am!

  35. This leads me to all sorts of jokes about snake-handling in church, but I'll refrain.

  36. Me thinks the snake would have been drawn to the pom pom skirt...

    Thanks for making me smile today!


    "Nowe eets toim fuw thu muthas!"

    You look gorgeous, by the way!

    Looks like you had a great time there, so happy for you!!



    PS: Calvin seems quite brave to me!

  37. You are so funny! I just love reading your posts! I laughed out loud at you writing out how an Australian accent sounds. SO TRUE! Well done on being brave and holding that snake. I bet your son was over the moon excited. What a fun thing to get to share with him. =D

  38. Thank you for making it look so,"easy peasy lemon squeezy". And the dear sister that was to your left, I would love to meet her too. And she was the only one that looked almost bored with the whole ordeal.
    Calvin looked right at home, how on earth do children decide what will make them nervous?

  39. Brave boy and mama! That thing was huge!!!!!!!

  40. I would've been scared to death. DEATH.

  41. Haha! In case you are reading, Kristy, I saw your comment!
    :-D *waves*

  42. I shuddered right through the screen today, yes I did.


    (That's me, and my shudder-y body)


  43. Those pictures are too funny - you've got more guts than me, I don't know if I could have done it!

  44. You've made an Aussie girl very proud..xx

  45. I hope you'll pass this 'post' along to B. Welty- you've done your birthday-mate well brave sis!

  46. "(It's true, I often think in Bloganese.)"
    Yup. And you know you may have a problem when your three year old and five year olds say, "That was a Bloggable moment."

  47. I just know I like YOU. I just know. Aiymane.


    I could never have done that without peeing my pants by the way. Nevuh.

  48. the fact that i can laugh-alone in my kitchen-at 5:45 in the morning says something.

    i can't wait til that book is done.

  49. Those who are searching over internet 'nursing assignment help' can contact with us now. We are the best assignment writing service provider in Australia. Our Academic assignment writers available 24*7 hours for the students, if you really want to need assignment help online at cheapest price meet our Academic Experts at sample assignment and get high distinction grades with top quality assignment. We are here to help you with 100% plagiarism free assignment Help Adelaide, Australia. We offers lowest price on all kind of essay, case study assignment help, report writing assignment help, and more from 4000+ Ph.D. Experts