Monday, May 16, 2011

Vacation 4.0 - Clawhands Edition

May this post hereby lay to rest any and all disagreements regarding the authenticity of my clawhands. Ahmen.

I can't look at this picture without laughing. Out loud.

My clawhand is simultaneously cleaning my lenses and magnifying my eye. Magic!


Have mercy.

The proof is in the talons.

One just never knows when the claw may begin to emerge.

Sometimes, all it takes is photo #36 in a thrift store.

One finger at a time.

Chk.

Chk.

Chk.

Chk.

Chk.

I'm like Hugh Jackman in X-Men.

Only more foreboding.

Have I ever told you that my shoulders are uneven?

Then, there was the time my chiropractor stated, while I was face-down on the torture table, "You're a bit out of alignment, but that may just be due to the fact that your left leg is considerably shorter than your right."

?

But we're not here to talk about my many quirks.

My ears are lop-sided.

(I can't stop myself.)

Sunglasses always sit on my head all wonky-like.

I feel so freeeee!

Has your dentist ever audibly gasped over the fact that your two front teeth are of differing widths? No??? You're kidding me.

I thought that happened to everyone.

Except that wouldn't be possible, because he plainly pointed out whilst holding a tiny ruler up to each tooth that I was a virtual anomaly.

I'm thinking Barnum and Baily might pay top dollar for me.

XO,
FPCH

55 comments:

  1. you are seriously funny. i think you should write a book that sits on the back of someone's toilet. you know the kind i'm talking about? except yours needs all of these great pictures that your super duper fantastic husband took (it's cute). i think it could be a hit...i'd buy one!!

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  2. You are too funny!
    You are gorgeous and perfect the way you are.
    :)
    Love your gray ruffled shirt!
    Too cute.
    Enjoy the week,
    I can tell you are loved.
    xx
    A

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  3. I seriously laughed out loud on the magnify eye one. I think the claw is a good thing. I have chimp hands. or a 6th grade boy's. Now that I am older, a 6th grade boy with age spots. I always tell my girls I have a big leg and a little leg and they think I am crazy but I tell you it is true. Since breaking my shoulder, I have one big arm and one little arm. I am running off to the circus with you. Dibs on Robert Pattinson though.

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  4. Ya know, long fingers are ALWAYS known as a good thing. Imagine long fingers and a short pinky. I didn't realize I suffered from this until my stepdad brought it to my attention. He calls them "carni-pinkies"... nice. I like your teeth and your hands and your shoulders. Because it makes up YOU, and I like you :)

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  5. You are a breath of fresh air, Clawhands!!! And I LOVE ya!
    HBY

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  6. You just had me laughing out loud which is what I REALLY needed tonight. I think I may just go read for a 2nd round because it felt so good!

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  7. My ears are also lopsided. Wonky sunglass problem exists for me too. I have the opposite claw hand problem. Think short, stubby Flintstone fingers. Like little boy hands. UG-LEE. What else, My nose is noticeable crooked. Especially when smiling. Dang deviated septum. I have an unsightly mole on my bum. That may have been TMI, let's see what else, I have to shave the hair off the top of my toes. I am part Hobbit apparently. Feel better? You should because that shirt is heaven on uneven shoulders. :)

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  8. This post was so hilarious! Thanks for the giggle!
    Jo-Anna

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  9. I love you...and your claw hands!!! Thanks for the laugh tonight...I needed it!

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  10. I think you should write a book that sits on someone's toilet too. AHHHAHAHAHHAHAH!

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  11. hahaha you are tall, skinny and beautiful... want to trade quirks? pretty please??

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  12. OMG. I am dying over here. hahahhahaa. Shannan, you should be a darn model, I don't know what you're talking about.

    But the way you talk about it made me laugh. And I needed the laugh!

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  13. I am going to excuse lack of salsa since I literally laughed my head off, not because of your quirks, but because they are also MY quirks too. I swear we were twins separated at birth, and you got all of the pretty, and cute hair and talent.

    Darn you.

    xo

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  14. You look like a super model to me.
    Seriously.
    SUPER.MODEL.
    Gorgeous : )

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  15. toilet book! Toilet book!!

    sorry, I have time on my hands tonight.

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  16. FPCH--haha! You make me laugh.
    And I think God designed your quirks to balance it all out since He knew you would be so pretty and skinny and funny and oh-so-witty. Oh, and to give you some writing material.
    :)

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  17. Seriously??? I was just thinking of how great you look! LOVE the shot on the beach.

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  18. pretty sure i woke my neighbors and my child with my obscene volume of laughter. awesome.
    your claw is classy though, know that.
    i too have been told weird facts whilst on the torture table-who do these chiropractors think they are anyway?

    xo

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  19. Yes, you are apparently completely uneven, but have you added up which sides you are uneven, perhaps the left ear plus the right shoulder and the left leg all and the right tooth all balance you out in the end. At least your personal pap-z got some lovely pics of you. Those last two are stunning, you tall (uneven) leggy thing, you.

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  20. From one claw hand owner to another...I see that you, too, avoid fingernail polish. It only draws attention to the obscene length of the hands. Do I hear an amen? Though I at times grow tired of having 17 year old boy basketball player hands, I do know they are just part of me. I think you look great. And if it's any consolation, my 7 year old saw your pic on the computer just now before getting on the bus, and said "She looks like a barbie." That's girlie for "you're pretty." And I LOVE ruffle shirts...but HATE torture tables. Shouldn't they pay US to lay upon those things?

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  21. You're hilarious! I'm also lopsided, well, except for the teeth. :) You're beautiful inside and out, Shannon. Thanks for making us laugh! `Maria

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  22. How wonderful it must be to provide dentists and doctors with impressive and unique physical attributes.

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  23. I have leg-length-discrepancy thing going, too! Crazy: In each of my pregnancies my pelvic bone broke. broke. They said it was because my right leg is three inches shorter and the additional weight was too much of a strain on my circus-freak-gait. I feel kindred, now!

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  24. okay friend you are just crazy. i've seen those hands in person and they are just as beautiful as you are. we are all perfectly imperfect. don't make me pull out all my double chin pics!!!

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  25. Haha! But, you are still beautiful! Especially the last pic, with the sun shining behind ya!

    Oh, and I always thought my K9s were a bit vampire-ish! If allowed, I'd be so vain as to have them filed down.

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  26. Hot mama! I think someone might have a crush on you! Those beach pictures with the gray, ruffly shirt are so pretty!
    Everything else about this post was hilarious! You're a funny girl!

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  27. Hey Shannan! You are a complete hoot, girl! lol! I just spent an hour cruising through your entertaining blog and loved every minute of it! lol! I'm so glad that Maria (dreamywhites) mentioned you in her blog today. I'm your newest follower and am truly looking forward to sharing more giggles with you! :) You rock! lol!

    xoxo laurie (with a bump in her nose, double chin, saddle bags, and mole on her chin)

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  28. I was always told a perfectly symetrical face was plain. So I am assuming the same goes for the body! We all have normal/deviancies (sp?) according to my doctor. So you are not ODD at all just unique!

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  29. Oh man, you are crackin' me up! You're beautiful!

    This post reminds me of the time I was listening to my sister talk about her lack of girliness. I then pointed out that my hands resemble those of our dad. Why oh why could I not inherit his chicken legs?! Seriously, why?

    I absoultely cannont believe you commented on my blog! Shocked! I texted my best friend right away. She texted back with a lot of CAPS and !!!!Don't you know you're a rock start for crying out loud?!

    XOXO,
    Angie from Ohio

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  30. LOL!
    You are too funny and cute all at the same time!!
    You are just perfect!!!

    Deborah xo

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  31. My rib cage rotates ever so slightly to the right so that the ribs on my left side stick out further than the ones on the right.

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  32. Too funny! I have the one eye that's always a bit closed... esp in pictures. awesome. oh and chipmunk cheeks!

    Are you going to the flea market this weekend? This is the first time in 7 years that I'm not going to make it. I'm so bummed. there's just no way to squeeze it in. I'll be doubly ready in September!

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  33. clawhands! luv it! :) but i'm pretty sure we're all a little lopsided...and that's perfectly imperfect :)

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  34. Soooooooo...I have to ask...do headphone buds (you know...those tiny headphones for iPods...whatever the kids are calling them these days!)...Do those stay in your ears? They pop right out of my husband's left ear & NOW THEY DO IT TO MY SON's RIGHT EAR!!! I'm swimming in some sort of freakish ear gene pool over here! ha!!! OMG...your post just cracked me up! Don't we all obsess over crazy stuff?!?!

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  35. girl, where I'm from those are called "elegant iced tea drinking instruments", my daughter was born with long fingers, we tell her they were made for instruments! Rock on with your unique, beautiful self!
    xxoo

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  36. Lady, you are crackin' me up!

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  37. Oh how I wish we were neighbors so we could share an afternoon cup of tea, and talk about our many quirks....my ears are tilted askew, making my everyday, all-the-time glasses pretty wonky! I should keep my head tipped to compensate!! I swear the left-half of my body missed a growth spurt or two, leaving me "off" and feeling more and more like Pippy Long Stocking, just a goofy redhead!

    Thanks for the laughs!

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  38. You are too funny! My husband makes fun of my stubby fingers. And my body is a mess - I too have a leg that's shorter than the other and uneven shoulders! My DR. recently told me that she had to realign my hips, that is when I came in with pain around my ribs! And yes, realigning my hips helped. I'm only 26 I'd hate to see how this progresses!

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  39. I have often laughed with thanksgiving, that my husband & I couldn't pro-create. with his eyes(blind) & my flat feet (among numerous other strange things I'll just leave out of this comment) I think our adopted kids are pretty lucky they didn't inherit our gene-pool. nothing worth trade-marking there. lol- you.crack.me. up. heart all your quirky anomaly's and agree with a previous commenter. If the writer's out there can get a book deal-- chickie, I'm sure you can. And I'd be in line to buy it. :) (I have rather, mm. large front teeth-- I often threaten my husband I'll blind him if he doesn't give into my request-- by flashing their mirror like light his direction). :)

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  40. Quirky imperfections make beautifully perfect imperfect people! What the world needs more of -- candor and humor! Thanks!

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  41. Who wants to be all symmetrical anyway...? You're pretty cute just the way you are, and I bet your hubby and kiddies agree!!
    xo
    Heidi - Heart and Home

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  42. oh my sweet friend, you look amazing, I think your dream of modeling might yet come true.

    and I love how you write about your claw hands so often, cracks me up!

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  43. I love you just the way you are!! I wish I could post those cute chubby,bald pictures of you when you were just a baby. The lanky part came around age two. And I never knew about the miss matched front teeth. Can't wait to see you all this week end.

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  44. Quit ya whinging, Shannan. There are some of us who would love to have claw hands. Rings just look better on them. Some of us would love to have slender shoulders like yours. And who gives a rats if your teeth are different sizes???
    You're tall and slim with a contagious smile. So, in short, SHUTUP!
    Love from me x

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  45. See, I can be bossy too AND even though you have such elegantly long arms, they absolutely cannot reach all the way around to the other side of the world so you can bitch slap me for being bossy. Ha! ha!

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  46. I would pay top dollar for you my oddly boned friend.

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  47. I haven't posted in a long while, but I still check up on ya!

    I just had to say, you had me rollin! I almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard with this post!

    Seriously, though-you're beautiful!

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  48. Dear Flower Patch Farmgirl,
    You are beautiful, real, and funny. And BTW, you have what my gramma would call "piano fingers."
    From your short, fat, old follower who would kill to look like you.

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  49. LOL!

    Yep, I'm commenting like a madwoman!!

    I also have ears at different heights (if you will, if you must) and must readjust and be choosy with sunglasses or they always look wonky.

    I was once told by a massage therapist (at my chiropractor's office and DURING the massage which was supposed to be..yes...in theory..relaxing)"You have the beginnings of bone loss and osteoporosis. You'll have to be careful" I'd like to point out that I was about 25 and what do you say "Thank You?"

    Everything on my right side is bigger than anything on the left.

    It's rare for me to see a photo of myself with my eyes open. Even IF the right eye is open, the left will forever be half shut.

    YOU are hilarious.

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  50. I am SUPPOSED .... to be taking an exam right now ... and none would have been the wiser had YOU not made me laugh out loud just now!! Thank you so much, me & this migraine needed a good laugh :) ~ ~ ~ just so you know I think you are perfectly beautiful in every way :) just as you are

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  51. I have funny body parts too!
    I also have a warped sence of humour,
    but! I don't look half as pretty as you.

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  52. Okay, I'm so behind on your blog, but it's totally worth it to catch up on a Thursday afternoon with this post! I'm DYING over the chiropractor story!!!! And the dentist!
    Sorry. Not laughing AT you.. but with you :)

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  53. Also?? I ♥ Bethanny Frankel, too. I think she's hilarious and totally relate to her in a "our lives couldn't be more different but also kinda similar in the undertones" way. But my husband can't stand her, so what does that say about me? And our relationship? And the Caribbean nanny?..

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