Thursday, September 9, 2010

When What Starts As Gratitude Takes a Hard Turn For The Strange

I'm going to say it, straight up - I don't deserve allaya'll.

I crawled into bed last night well after the midnight hour. I made a pitiful attempt at a little dramatic flair by turning off the lamp and stretching out on the couch, too sullen to carry my own self into bed. Just me, a lumpy pillow and Ugly Blue Blanket. But then I realized that I had to pee and once I made my way into the loo, I decided I might as well brush my teeth and go on in to my real bed. I don't even think Cory noticed my momentary fork in the road. What a waste of flair.

As long as I can remember, sleeping on the couch has just seemed like the right thing to do in moments of faux despondence.

My boyfriend broke up with me. For the fifth time. I think I'll sleep down on the couch.

I have a slight fever. Better sleep on the couch.

Back to the boyfriend thing, when I was in high school I would come home at curfew on a Saturday night with my mind already made up that I was going to fall asleep on the couch, fully clothed. I would then wake a couple of hours later, in the thick of the night, wash my face, put on my pajamas and go to bed for real.

I also used to set my pink alarm clock for 4:00 a.m. on school nights so that when it went off, I would realize that I could go back to sleep for two and a half more hours.

This has turned into Weird Bedtime Ritual Stream of Consciousness and I'm not sure how it happened...

But since we're already here... I used to go to my dorm room between classes in college and take naps. I would fall instantly into blissful slumber. The kind where your hip hurts when you wake up because you haven't moved a millimeter. At the same time, I had immense trouble sleeping at night. Always have. Always will? Always have, that's for darn sure. I would lay in my bed, so tired and so unable to drift and every now and then, I would decide that the surest solution was to get up and dress for the day, then climb back into bed. Shirt, jeans, bra, the whole nine yards. I wisely deduced that the key to quick and restful sleep was confining garments of various weights.

I never did test that theory and I'm not sure why. It is possible that my sane self grew so frustrated with my nonsense self that she shut off her engine and went to bed. So in the end, perhaps my theory proved itself? Now who's laughing.

But back to the most recent hour of my anguish. The problem was, I was sick of myself. I was 7:30 AM-Chemistry-Class-Tired of writing posts about my frustrations with selling our house. Cory read the post just before I published it and said, "It sounds fine.....but haven't you already talked about this?"

Well, that fired me up. It got me all, "It's My Blog and I'll Beat A Dead Horse if I Want To!" I saw no way around it, really. Having staggered into bed, I slurred, "Maybe I should just keep a diary around on account of nights like these."

It's a real problem I have. I am unable to find the will to post anything other than that which is truly on my mind.

And tonight, there's clearly a whole lotta crazy on my mind.

But all of that to say - thank you for bearing with me. I promise, I will stop. At least for the week. (Tomorrow is Friday, right? New week starts Monday? Maybe Sunday?)

Thank you for your unending encouragement. You'ns bolster me up. You're virtual underwire, is what you are. And I love you for it.

43 comments:

  1. I love this. Love you. Made me laugh and cry.

    I have a journal for a lot of the crazy in my head. I try to only let a teensy bit of it creep onto my blog, but find when it does so many relate to it - just like I do today.

    I love falling asleep on the couch in my clothes. Hate when my hips hurt.

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  2. Goodness. I read this and had to go to your previous post. Just so you know. I totally get it. Quickie version- We felt led by the Lord to move when my oldest was 5. My husband was remodeling our house. It took four more years of time and money provided to finish it. We put it on the market a week before prices started plummeting. What is this Lord??? It took a year of being PRUNED painfully and then IT SOLD and with barely any faith left, we LEAPED and we MOVED to a whole new state. All I can say is HE is faithful and HIS timing is best. But, you already knew that. The process just sucks! xo-B.

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  3. No need to apologize for where you're at. You're where you're supposed to be and it's okay. Really.

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  4. Virtual underwire...I love it! That is really funny, I just hope I am not the underwire that finally pokes through the fabric and stabbs you in the side! : )
    I sleep with sticky notes next to my bed, they work great! The problem with this, I have actually awaken in the morning with sticky notes all over me, my face, and my bed...along with pen blotches on my sheets...too much "reminding myself" in the night! Hehe. It really does help, once it is written down I can move on. Try it! Sweet dreams to you tonight!

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  5. Don't be the least bit sorry! It IS your blog and you CAN do what you want :) That's the beauty of it! I hope things get better soon and keep the faith that everything will work out just like it's supposed to. By the way, the thought of sleeping fully clothed is giving me severe claustrophobia! haha

    ~Kiri

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  6. I know what you mean, I was there myself a few weeks ago. All that I could do was kind of let it out and vent. Don't beat yourself up for being honest. I prefer reading the real to the made up happy stuff. As for sleeping, well it's never been my stongest skill either but one thing that seems to help me when my mind is churning too much is breathing like my yoga teacher taught me (you know, deep innn, slowwww o u t, repeat.) Or just get up and watch old movies!
    xo
    Heidi - Heart and Home

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  7. love you, shanny-boo. And love your 7:30 a.m. Chemistry-class description.

    :)

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  8. Virtual underwire?? You're killing me! I sure hope I have the pleasure of meeting in person the next time I'm out that way to visit!

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  9. Well, I was going to go and fetch some chocolate until you sprang that gross visual on me. : P I'm happy to encourage...I just don't know how I feel about being THAT much support.

    I need to rest now...before I go to bed. I hope you are sleeping well.

    Thank you for today!

    : )

    Julie M.

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  10. LOL - I can so relate! Just a thing I discovered lately in my own, bumpy prayerlife: instead of praying for the same thing over and over (or being mad a God because He didn't make it happen right away),I began to praise Him and say thanks as if it had already happened! (as in: "thank you so much, God, that our house is practically already sold; thank you so much for everything you did behind the curtains!" Works for me. Much better than nagging...Hugs - Lola

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  11. Oh my. I 'm soooo honored to be compared to good underwire! It's what I've always strived for. And considering I can't wear underwire because I'm so small that if I do, the band of wire juts out farther than the bosoms, it's a high compliment indeed.

    I don't think you've talked all that much about not selling the house. House selling is a long, drawn-out affair, like pregnancy or adoption (that's usually quite a bit longer than pregnancy, though), and it's all-consuming. In fact, I know better than to believe it's all sugar and roses, so if you don't come out and talk about it, I'll feel like you're lying to me.

    I much prefer the truth any day. (Well, except when it concerns me and any slightly negative behavior I might have. Then glossy is better.)

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  12. Being patient is so hard, especially when we want something to happen now. What if, what we are wanting is really not the right thing for us? I know personally, I've wasted a lot of time wishing and praying for things that didn't happen, and did not enjoy the beauty and blessings of each gift of a day. I have found that thanking Him for what He has already done, and what He will do in the future, lightens my load, lets me rest in Him. I'm not saying that I don't fret, worry, etc. because I most certainly do, I've not been perfected yet.

    All we can do is : Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. Ps. 27:14

    May you feel God's love and peace surrounding you as you wait to see what He brings forth in your life.

    Love and hugs to you ~ FlowerLady

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  13. I had my underwire peek out the collar of my shirt and poke me in the chin when I leaned forward to take a bite of my burger at Steak and Shake once...No JOKE! I just swallowed my pride along with that bite, pulled it the rest of the way out and stuck in in my purse! THEN began to laugh hysterically with my friends when I realized they had seen the whole thing...ahhh...good times, good times.

    Here's to keepin' your chin up(Pun completely intended!)and good friends! God sure knows we need um!

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  14. You are HALARIOUS! And you honesty is always encouraging!

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  15. The more I "read you" the more I am convinced that we are long lost best friends. For reals. Reasons why: I am from very small town Indiana and miss it everyday, you live in Indiana. You have adopted, I have always wanted to adopt. You are having trouble selling your house, Ours was on the market for (gasp!) 16 months and we just took it off last week in total defeat. See! Besties for sure! It is amazing how a group of "strangers" can make you feel better isn't it?

    As my mother always said, no one is sick, no one is dying, we can handle the rest. Right? RIGHT??

    Hope your day improves!

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  16. It's your party and you can cry if you want to! I love your posts. You wanna hear crazy...I check my laptop at least twice in the evening to see if you have posted yet before I crash on the couch. ( I have on pjs by 7!) Stalker? Nah I prefer Fan!!
    I crash, then arrive from the ashes about 3 every night to roam my house til 5. I then hit the alarm snooze every 10 min for an hour before I get up. I like to blame dying hormones and not my own crazy. See why I like you?! haha

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  17. girl i am so with you in so many ways.
    hang in there.

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  18. The fact that you can call us virtual underwire means there is still hope for you :) And never apologize for being real. You never know what an encouragement it is for others. I dare say that very few people are discouraged only for a day and then move on.

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  19. oh my, virtual underwire? classic!!

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  20. Shannan, you make me laugh. On the inside...
    Elise

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  21. Dont' beat yourself up, that's one lesson to learn in this. I think the acual blessing in your blog is your wonderful honesty to struggle with the same issue at times. Blogs are so cool, and yet God's ear is no compare. Or even friends that are actual flesh around you to sit with and be there for you.

    HE will not get sick of you, or what you have to say ever. You show lots of strength here.

    I appreciate your words of struggle. Selling a home is not an easy feat, and it can beat you up a bit in the waiting. It's exhausting because you've sorta already moved on in your head.

    How cool will it be when you get to share some really cool news about what God has done with this. I will sit a bit now and pray for you as you wrestle with this a bit in your life.

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  22. Virtual underwire? Shannon, you do know that boys read your blog? :-D

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  23. Virtual underwire!? I love it. You can post about whatever your little ol' heart desires and we will all read it with rapt attention. Truly.

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  24. Okay this is my belief. It's my blog and therefore I can write about what I want...when I want. It's all about me! I don't care if people like it or not. I want them to of course, but it's MY place and if I want to share my heart I will. And you should too...any time you want and I know for one I will be there reading along and praying for you. That's what friends are for. I love you girl.

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  25. Virtual underwire. Perfect! Funny thing is, I had reduction surgery years ago. Went from DD to B. What a blessing. I know there are lots of women who wish they could be a DD but trust me, until you've been there, you have no idea how uncomfortable it can be. Now, I have no need to wear an underwire and yet I can't seem to give them up. No matter how many times I get poked, I still go back to the underwire! I think it's the psychological thing. We all need to know we are being boosted up. And what better way to boost someone than to pray for them! As women we can be each other's underwire! Thanks Shannon for your constant wit. You always boost me up!

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  26. A virtual underwire.Ha! I LOVE it! I don't think you realize that you do the same sort of encouraging for all of us readers. I hate that we all have to go through painful waiting pains, but I am thankful that we have a God who knows better than we do and will see us through.
    As always, thanks for sharing ;O)

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  27. You should always write about what you want. Even if it's about the same thing fifteen times over. I never get tired of reading it because you are HILARIOUS!
    Today is, I think, one of my last days with internet for a while. The first thing I do when i start using technology again will be to read your blog. ALSO, have you been reading Holy Experience this week? Ah-mazing. I cry everyday, and I rarely RARELY cry. You'll love it.
    I like how you're always humble. I really do. But seriously? You are so encouraging, and just talking about your confusing journey is helpful to the rest of us who lose the faith at the first car accident or lost roll of packing tape. AHem.

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  28. I read every one of your posts and haven't for a moment thought "stop beating the dead horse already". ;)

    Keep on writing what is on your heart. I eat up every word.

    Thoroughly enjoying your adoption series since it is something that has been on my heart recently.

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  29. Virtual underwire...it's wonderful how out in the big wide world is a whole network of "support" for you!

    I try NOT to fall asleep on the couch; hate that wakey-up-foggy-where-is-the-bed feeling...and oh my goodness I could never sleep fully clothed - too claustrophobic!

    Keep on writing whatever's on your heart cause we love it!

    Jan

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  30. First of all, I totally agree with you on the couch thing. It calls to me sometimes, and I have never been able or even tried to put it into words, but you just did. Yep.

    Second of all, talk about "it" all you want. Whatever the it is. I love to listen to it, even if you have talked about it before - isn't that how friends are with each other? Just sayin...

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  31. men!sheesh! ya I've already talked about it! And I'm gonna 100 times more! my hubby doesn't get that either, I have to talk it to death before it makes any kind of sense.

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  32. you know someone from Wisconsin is googling "allay'all". am i right?
    and should i be worried that i totally follow your crazy bedtime-couch sleeping ritual. why is it that i'm drunked-tired on the sofa and then can't sleep for the life-a-me in the bed?
    you crack me up.

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  33. Best cure for insomnia - a really good movie or TV show (the bad boring ones keep me awake every time).

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  34. We are waiting to move overseas (again). We know we wont move until Easter next year, so are in what I call 'limboland'. It "feels" like there is little point in investing in finding friends where we are, cos this time next year, God willing, we wont be here. The mental part of it all is exhausting. Basically I'm trying to say you are not alone. This is the day that the Lord has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. I will, I will, I will! Had to laugh at your attempt at drama, my husband doesn't notice my attempts at high drama either. For me my fix all is have a shower. Praying that your limbo land ends soon and your dreams come true.
    Dee

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  35. HUGS. Love. ...almost solves all the problems!

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  36. Haha. Love the tag you put on this post. I like reading about your angst over the house not selling, no matter how many posts you have to write. We sometimes have to talk about things more than our husbands. :)
    I do love your blog a lot! Maybe the Lord will sell your house and tell you to move to Missouri and then I can meet you. That sounds stalkerish.

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  37. no worries....it is your sincere way of sharing who you are and what's on your mind that draws us to you in the first place.

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  38. I share your house selling anguish. I feel like it has dominated my life for the last 3 years. Like my house is not my own! Tired of waiting for the realtors call and having to keep things clean all the time. Hope we both have good luck soon.

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  39. Probably going to say what all the others have said, but I'll give my two cents any way. Men do not understand women's need to hash things out. The have this innate ability to compartmentalize. This allows them to mention a problem and then file it away until they can do something about it. Women need to be able to talk through our problems. The more serious the problem the more we need to talk about it. Doesn't make either group right, just makes us different. Thus the need for female friends. That is what a blog means to us. A way of connecting with each other and talking through our lives. Please don't ever stop blogging!

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  40. oh i have totally had that experience with showing my post to clint and him saying "haven't you already said that." it is hard to not post what's on our minds. i love your every post. keep it up!! you are a dear!

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  41. I used to also take the most righteous naps in college for 3 hours at a time, but I always slept at night too! I could sleep forever I think, but being a Mommy has killed that :) Don't feel bad about blogging about your frustrations more than once. The reason you are my favorite blog is because you blog about your life - the good bad & ugly! Keep sharing it all because that's why I love you lady!

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