Thursday, September 9, 2010

Move

Months ago, we experienced a shifting of the heart. We were moved. We searched, we watched, we negotiated (foolishly) and then, we let go. The letting go was not the hardest part. The hardest part was everything that came before that, and now, everything that follows.

The letting go was exhilarating. It was blind trust. It was flinging - in the present tense.

So tell me, how does a heart unmove itself? Tell me, please, because I've become unmoved.

I would rather believe that I'm not really half-baked, that I wouldn't so easily forget the very soul of this change. I'm just waiting for this house to sell, that's all. Sell the house, God, and then I will get back to the business of sacrifice, of compassion, of action.

I am not entirely sure when I tossed truth up on the roof and plopped down at the bottom of the ladder to wait it out. I am ashamed that I bartered. This flimsy exchange that I offered the One who gilded pastures of hay just for me, the One who gifted me with a life sweeter than I would have dared to day-dream, escaped so quietly from my heart that the screen door didn't even bang the jamb.

We have another month beneath our belt and it's true, these britches are getting tight. It's hard to act comfortable when you're not.

So tonight, having no answers but questions, confessions, hope, I pray for the water to simmer up to a boil, a baptism for my re-melting. I pray for opportunity to stand out like a red trench on a rainy day. I pray for gratitude for this home that has loved us so well and will do the same tomorrow.


48 comments:

  1. I'm praying! Even if I don't know exactly how to pray for you....God knows!

    : )

    Julie M.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh I know this well...this distraction heavy on your shoulders that makes it hard to look up.
    Praying with you that you will see the meaning in these extra days at the home you didn't think you would have.
    Thanks for visiting my blog...I stalk yours often and LOVE your writing!

    ReplyDelete
  3. inspirational...the remelting really hit home for me

    ReplyDelete
  4. When I was waiting for my home to sell, praying, anxious and obsessed. It helped me to think of the person who was going to buy my home. I would pray God was setting in motion their plan. Pray for your future buyers and that God's will for them is done.

    Love you TONS! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm still thinking of you and your family! My husband and I recently took our leap of faith and it's turning out so wonderfully! Sometimes people are so reluctant to trust God that they don't know that maybe God has something better than you ever imagined in store for you. I hope that this is where you'll be soon!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my gosh! I know this so well. We are supposed to be out in a week and we haven't heard if the appraisal will go through. My house is half boxed. I just want to stay up all night and stare at reality tv and WAIT FOR SOMETHING to happen. I've quit living!!!
    I needed to hear this. I love your beautiful words my dear. I was thinking of you in the taco bell drive through and I thought "She's ready for something!"
    I don't know what, but who does? I just know it's gonna be exciting...starting NOW!
    p.s. Maybe your writing is part of the doing. It's doing things in my heart my dear. Your feet are beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  7. p.p.s. I have no idea why I said, "My dear" so many times. It's a symptom of my nervous tension?

    ReplyDelete
  8. The bartering comes so easily at times that we don't even think of it as bartering. Praying truth rolls off the roof and you'll be able to breath in the pants soon.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Shannan,

    Is it possible he wanted you to be willing to give it up but he's not actually asking you to? Is this your Isaac? Maybe not, but I've wondered about that so many times--I don't know. I have thoughts. I will email. My husband is watching Jay Leno loudly in the room and I can't concentrate...but I will write you in the a.m. I'm thinking about you Shannan because I have been there. I still am sort of. We'll talk.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Love your site, posts and your gift with words!

    I like Beachbright's advice...

    Just a thot, maybe God just wants you to really know that you can have a shifting of heart, can be moved and are capable of putting your total trust in the Lord.

    One of the few things I know for sure, is that God does things on His timetable, for our growth and many times without our understanding.

    By the way, Do you know how many people's lives you touch...right now?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Just been catching up on your posts...and all I can say is that you really, truly, are an AMAZING writer. I think you should write books...someday. YOu know we would all purchase them. *wink*

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was just thinking the same thing Courtney said. Maybe it was to teach you that you can accept a new plan outside of your comfort zone and that was the lesson. I know it would be so much easier if God would show us his plan all the way through to the end right up front, but where would be the learning in that. It's one of my biggest challenges to be patient. I am fast-I talk fast, work fast and I get stuck in my time frame. God knows the plan he has for you, I will keep you in my prayers. I know you know all this but that stinking fleshy part sneaks up on us! Keep the faith girl! Love your writing... "gilded pastures of hay" Lovely! Send me that English teacher's e-mail!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. this one hits way close to home for me...i used to work for the church...too a change in location to another but it ended up a disaster...or house never sold and after 8 months of being apart from my fam i came home...it was more important...

    ReplyDelete
  14. wishing you some peace, while you wait it out!

    ReplyDelete
  15. beautiful Shannan.
    our home is now officially on the market...and i am scared and relieved and sad and excited.
    i too am just waiting for the sale to make me feel peaceful again.
    this was an interesting article...
    http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/07/opinion/07brooks.html?_r=1
    about letting go.
    we are clearly not alone.
    i'll be thinking of you...

    ReplyDelete
  16. shannan, i love how courtney ( not that i always read comments or anything weirdo like that) asked if this could be your isaac. love that....& it could be.
    praying for you today my friend

    ReplyDelete
  17. Nothing can keep me awake in the middle of the night quite like real estate transactions--not even raising teenagers. I know that feeling of having thrown truth up on the roof and sitting down to wait it out. Well said.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Let nothing disturb you,
    Let nothing frighten you,
    All things pass away;
    God never changes.
    Patience obtains all things.
    He who has God lacks nothing;
    God alone suffices.

    - Teresa of Avila

    ReplyDelete
  19. letting go is always the hardest part. praying for you today.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Like you I love certainty, resolution, action,result. With issues affecting my family I long for these things.

    I have always been hugely challenged by something I read as an undergraduate, which was Keats' idea of "negative capability", which he described as, "when man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries,doubts without any irritable reaching after fact and reason..." It somehow helped that the wierd, limbo feeling, straining after sureness, it is a widely felt emotion. Becoming friendly with uncertainty is an ongoing journey!

    It can uncomfortable, but I hope you are suprised by grace and purpose and while you wait in this uncertain phase. Hang in!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I love how strong your faith is. I will pray for your family as well.

    ReplyDelete
  22. there have been times when i am screaming at God on the inside, like a little 3 year old having a tantrum. asking, waiting, wondering, DEMANDING that i have answers. not pretty times, i tell you.

    but then, there is His gentle unwavering hand, that says, "i love you. i love you. i love you." and i know, that He is good, that He loves me, and that He will always, ALWAYS take care of me.

    praying for you all, sweetie. rest in Him. rest in Him.

    ReplyDelete
  23. oh shannon i can relate! i'm going through my own "crisis" over here. Little sis came 2 days ago, yesterday we realized she had head lice! I have been an absolute mess over the whole thing. I wish I would just be strong, trust, focus, not panic but I'm not doing any of the above well. I didn't sleep well last night, I'm near tears at all times. I feel so weak and yet in the whole scheme of things, this is MINOR. I realize that, I just need the Lord to hold up my arms and I know He is here. I just got to allow Him to fill me and trust that He is sovereign. It's crazy that I even have to remind myself of this. but I do. I will be praying for you. The waiting, the questions, the uncertainty is hard. Love you friend!

    ReplyDelete
  24. No advice, but wanted to say thanks for sharing. May you be moved again, may you find your heart opened and reaching once again.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Your honest heart is better than a Pumpkin Spice Yankee. Haha! When you wrote that comment about about the Yankee candle, I smiled because they are my favorite. I have a thing for candles. . .
    Shannon, I know the feeling of being moved and then being unmoved. It is hard and it feels like failure but it's not. You still want Gods will in your life. (that was so hard for me to accept when coming to Christ, his will and now my own.)
    I'll be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I think you are doing amazily well. Letting go and waiting patiently for God to work is never easy. God doesn't ever say that growth and change will be simple or that it will go as we would like it! But He does say that He won't give you more than you can handle, and that he will provide for you! He loves you more than the birds of the air and the fish of the sea...He hasn't lost sight of you. Hold fast to Him, and know that each day He is working something new in you! Prayers and HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh, how I could have written your post.
    We are 19 months into waiting for an adoption blessing. Every day, I am bartering with God. Wrong, yes? But my desperation makes me human. And once I barter, I ask for forgiveness. It's a never ending cycle.

    Praying for your peace as you transition.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ugh...selling a house can be sooo frustrating! All I can say is just to trust in God! My parents had a heck of a time selling their house in order to buy their dream home, and it almost didn't happen. But seriously, it could have only been God that made their deal work, becuase it was just insane! Hope everything works out for you!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Where to start.

    115 days on market. No bites. Not much traffic, and not much encouragement. 60 day contingency finished. Silence from God and the message to "wait on His timing" more times that I could count. Another 60 day contingency offered, which was an answer to prayer. We prayed for a slammed shut door or encouragement to continue. Then we did nothing. The current owner of the house we want to buy approached us and offered the extension. So we took that as encouragement to continue. It certainly wasn't a slammed door. Roller coaster continuing.

    :)
    Much love,
    Sash

    ReplyDelete
  30. Your writing is always so fresh, so real, so honest. We have all been in this place of "having no answers but questions, confessions, hope."

    I don't know what He has planned for you and your family, but you and I both know He is good.

    One thing I don't quite understand, though. This getting back "to the business of sacrifice, of compassion, of action."

    I truly believe that God gives us families to work this very thing in us. That family is often the place where these things are put to the most difficult test. So perhaps, your "getting back" is really just "going home," after all? I don't know, but He does, and He will tell you.

    May He show you the way He wants you to go, always. Psalm 143:8

    ReplyDelete
  31. Letting go is always the hardest! I will continue to you and your family in my prayers!

    Kelli
    xoxo
    loveoursimplelife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  32. When God moved us out of state 8 years ago, we ended up having to move before our house sold. It took over a year for our house to sell. Why? I do not know. Waiting is THE WORST! We are in THE WAITING GAME, right now ourselves. I cannot stand it. I fear once I give in to this "desire" it will go at lightening speed and I'll feel out of control, wondering if it's really God or it will go painfully slow, so slow and unchanging, I will also wonder if it's God's will.
    Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Beautiful words from the depth of an honest heart. Praying for you today

    ReplyDelete
  34. Wish I had a magic wand. Suffering sucks...waiting is horrible. The remelting is painful. Praying for you my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  35. So true!

    I hope you sell your home soon, but in the meantime, submerge yourself in the glad memories of yesteryear that are painted on your walls and in the nicks in the cabinents.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Maybe my mother is praying like she said she would! Uh oh!

    xoxo
    HBY

    ReplyDelete
  37. Prayers to you Shannan ~ this was so beautiful...
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  38. Praying for you and your family. Keep trusting in God. It will all be fine.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Shannon... your posts obviously touch many many people. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and life journey. As I read your post, I also wondered if this has been a "test" of where your heart was, where your priorities were, and your willingness to follow Jesus where-ever He leads. I had always had some trouble with the "God testing us" thing, until I realized it wasn't God testing us to see if we would fail(God is omniscient already knowing everything including our heart), but more like school testing...for us to realize where our heart lies. Maybe He just wanted you to realize that as much as you love your home, that it had not become an idol to you and that you would gladly walk away from it to be with Him. I believe He has a plan for each one of us, but He is less concerned with the "where we are going" and much more interested in us walking with Him and enjoying who He is. Just some thoughts. I know that God loves you, loves you, loves you. Bask in that!

    ReplyDelete
  40. There is nothing like the moving process to keep a heart from faith.

    ReplyDelete
  41. trusting in the midst of waiting....
    hard.
    waiting on Him for some things, too....

    trusting and waiting...

    praying for you tonight...

    ReplyDelete
  42. "I pray for opportunity to stand out like a red trench on a rainy day. I pray for gratitude for this home that has loved us so well and will do the same tomorrow...."

    all i know is, in this waiting, your words have become so achingly beautiful... and maybe this is what he does, in the empty--he fills us with good things that shine only at night, like fireflies... and you have to stay awake to see them... those little glimpses of grace. you are grace to me, shannan. i've been lax in praying--i will step up the prayers, and beg God to pour down on you and your household. love e. (ps. thanks so much for linking, girl. you bless me.)

    ReplyDelete
  43. Shannon how did you get inside my heart & head??? We put our home on the market shortly after you and we are also still waiting. Every time I drop to my lowest, you lift me right back up! Thank you for allowing God to use you. You're such an angel!! I continue to pray for you.

    ReplyDelete
  44. praying for you guys!! i read it everyday to check and see if your husband got a job and if your house has sold!! i know it will happen on God's time and i hope that that is SOON!!!! thanks for sharing your life and your heart. thanks for being such a joy from your computer to so many others. and for wearing your faith as a badge and being so proud, when i am sometimes so fearful to say what i believe (and am so ashamed of that in me). i hope everything works out asap!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Oh, if only we could know what God has in store for us - I'm always trying to figure out what He's up to. But if my pea-brain could understand Him, He wouldn't be God, and that in itself is a comforting thought.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Atta Girl Shannon!

    "I am ashamed that I bartered. This flimsy exchange that I offered the One who gilded pastures of hay just for me, the One who gifted me with a life sweeter than I would have dared to day-dream, escaped so quietly from my heart that the screen door didn't even bang the jamb.

    We have another month beneath our belt and it's true, these britches are getting tight. It's hard to act comfortable when you're not."

    You are living your life out loud. MANY MANY people are relating. Your imperfect path to Christ-likeness is golden!! In God's ears your path is the cat meow. In His eye's your path is the shine on his 1959 Cadillac LaSalle Convertible. On his refrigerator is your report card front and center! The angels are annoyed with Papa-God as he continues to slap them on the back, pointing and exclaiming his pride for his girl, you!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Thanks for your sweet email, tickled you're a fan of Brit-style! You must let me know if you ever do make a visit over here and need any tips on places to visit etc. Cheerio for now!! xx

    ReplyDelete