Sunday, August 8, 2010

Cleaning Day Revelation

I just returned from my favorite late-night destination. I can be there after just two flights (of stairs) and I always return feeling a little lighter.

Predictably, Calvin is on his back, arms splayed up and out across the pillow. No blankets. He's a stationary sleeper and it's a good thing, because he shares his twin bed with his dog Biscuit/Caramel/Caramel Biscuit/Gordy, Brave the teddy and Stripey the kitten. And his airplane blankie. And his Mommy shirt.

One door down, Ruby is found cross-ways on the bed, often shirtless, hair even wilder in the moonlight. Though it's obvious that she likes it best that way, I can never resist the urge to shift her up to her pillow and pull the sheet over her shoulders.

Silas is a side-sleeper. He moves from end to end in his crib, and always lugs his big-people pillow with him when he goes. I marvel at his grown-up tendency to shift that thing around in his cage. He asks for juice solely in grunts and gestures, but he can make his own bed, thankyouverymuch.

Every single night, we tuck them in. We make sure they are safe and comfortable and adored. Just a few hours later, we do it all again. Round two doesn't even register for them.

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A few days ago I found myself with an empty house and two hours to clean it top-to-bottom for a showing. I moved all of the chairs into the living room to mop then sat for just a moment at the computer.

Three minutes later, I was wrecked.

My tears were not the silent kind. They were soul-bruising, desperate. They were wholly unexpected, which made them fatter, heavier. It was clear to me, all over again, that this was neither pretend, nor haphazard. It wasn't even PMS.

This was the reaching through to my very core and turning a key. And with every crank, my heart softens. It struck me that these bruises will not eventually fade from purple to jaundiced green to just the memory of a bang-up. These will pile up, purple on purple on purple.

The last tear lingered and grew, then leaped from my chin to the smack-dab middle of my chest. My soul measured its weight.

I walked over, puffy-eyed, my heart an achy wound, and I grabbed my mop. I prayed words of gratitude for my moment of clarity. This is one part of what I was made for. The certainty of the truth giving purpose to the bruises.

And now?

Now it's your turn.



Thank you, Jami, for sharing this with me. Your own bruised-up heart is purely beautiful.

28 comments:

  1. oh friend...
    i LOVE your heart. your bruised purple heart.
    you show me Jesus.

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  2. Wow, Shannan. That makes me feel broken and lifted-up all at the same time. Thank you for sharing this with us...

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  3. Amazing. It tears me up inside, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Someday . . . someday.

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  4. Jesus loves you! this I know, For your post tell me so. I feel so blessed that I can call you, my friend!
    ~G~
    hugs

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  5. "now I'm just a regular kid"...Dave Thomas Rocks! His is one of the few biographies that I have read. Great man with a great heart.

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  6. This certainly is heart warming. Sad as well. A
    ll children deserve a home.

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  7. I was just going to tell you the other night that you need to do a post about bedtime rituals, specifically the nighttime brushing of the teeth. The other night those kids were the cutest swishing around their mouthwash. Seriously!

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  8. Those dear children. Thank you for sharing.

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  9. Love your routine and how different each one of your babes are.

    Touching video. There is a big part of me that would love the chance to adopt. Honey doesn't share my vision. So grateful that there are people out there like you who step up and take that on. What a gift for them and for you.

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  10. That video was the icing on the cake for me two weeks ago. We had filled out the paperwork with our state and already had our homestudy, but since then had heard nothing and kind of put the idea on the backburner. By the time our newly assigned social worker called, I kept waiting, putting it off to call her back. Saw the video, and BAM. My husband and I both knew it was time to call her back. We just completed the first 6 hours of 27 hours worth of training on Saturday. We finish training in mid-September, and then the journey for us begins...

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  11. I love you Shannan! I am shedding tears over here too. Always cleansing.....Look forward to spending time w/you and the kids....mine are so excited to see yours.... :o).......
    we have lots to talk about!!!!!
    in His hands, Shannon

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  12. Such a precious clip girl. Thanks for sharing it with us!

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  13. Beautiful video! Made my day. Thank you for sharing.

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  14. Well, I popped over just to look, you see, and now my own tears are plopping down. Thank you, dear one, for choosing to be mama to your sweet ones...and for sharing need with the rest of us.

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  15. wow,Shannon! your post was beautiful - you have such a way with words - i want to hear more. if you ever want to talk more, email me! thanks for your sweet sweet comment about me too. you are a beautiful daughter of the King!

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  16. Our adopted daughter is now 24. We've had her since the day she was born. She's everything we ever wished for, and more. Bless you.

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  17. Shannon I was adopted almost 42 years ago and wouldn't want my life to be any other way...My mum once told me I didn't come from her belly ,but I did come from her heart..This was a lovely post..xx thanks..

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  18. Thank-you for sharing this wonderful video. (I love the Dave Thomas foundation.)

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  19. Oh Shannon, You brought up feelings I haven't thought of in such a long time. It has been an amazingly long haul for this bruised heart. Twenty two years ago my husband and I adopted sisters out of fostercare. They were four and five at the time and had experienced so much more than any four and five year old should ever have to experience. We were totally unequipped to deal with the complications that rejection brings but only prayed that love would heal all. Looking back now I see so many things I would have done differently. Still,in my soul through it all, I knew our family was not thrown together by happenstance...while not conceived conventionally, it was conceived by God. It's so easy to forget that when the road gets rough. To say it was an easy road would be a lie but a road worth it...definitely. Now God has blessed us with two amazingly perfect grandchildren. One of which God in his infinite mercy has allowed to live in our home since birth so all those little things I missed seeing with my girls I can now experience with him. I haven't cried these tears in such a long time. You are an amazing woman, doing an extraordinary God thing. May God continue to bless you and your special husband in the days and years to come. May you be given an extra portion of patience and grace to see your through the years ahead. Hang on for the ride of your lives, resting assured in the goodness of God. Patty

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  20. That is an amazing video, thank you so much for sharing. Many blessings to you and yours.

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  21. I love your heart Shannan. Thanks for sharing the clip. Your sweet babies - is there nothing sweeter than one of your own totally sacked out? Oh, to be able to sleep like the littles again.

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  22. We spend so much time on things that don't matter, just stuff,things that just clutter up our lives. When all around us is people,they are everywhere and they are needing our hugs,kisses,smiles,just our time. They just want to know they are more important than stuff. And all it takes is the heart of Jesus. Thank you for the video and the precious pic of little C!!

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  23. Shannan

    Thank you for sharing this video!
    You are such an inspiration to us all.
    xoxoxo
    Maria

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  24. I know you already have alot of comments, but I'm late reading this entry. I know it's hard to imagine, but picture yourself in a happy place down the road. You'll be looking back at this day and sort of shaking your head in wonder.... that you were so disheartened when now you know only good things were in store for you. You're so positive and help so many people, don't forget yourself beautiful girl. This hard time will pass, and although you feel like you're losing something you want so dearly, you will find the next adventure to be a great one. Look for fun in the future.

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  25. OMG! The little girl who says "they didn't hug me at night... they just went to bed..." I died!! I've known I've wanted to adopt since high school; my honey isn't quite there yet... I believe it's a calling on my life and I know we'll get there... my heart is too big to walk away from it. Thanks for sharing.

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  26. Just found this. Thank you so much. I've always really wanted to adopt. Hubby's not on board... I believe this will be just one more prompt for him. Your whole blog is such a beautiful testament.
    hugs,
    Leslie

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