Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Doors


I had big plans to write tonight about my journey for contentment. It has been on my heart every day. It is becoming a part of me, and the harder I pray for it, the more it snuggles up to me and holds my hand. I am on a mission to be content with what I have...and maybe with even less than what I have. God has been connecting the dots for me with bright red Sharpie and I am thankful for that. Let's face it, who doesn't like it when God reveals Himself to us in a way that is impossible to miss? So, I went to bed late last night with some of the word threads already knitting together in my mind. That is the way it is with me - my brain writes in intermittent sentence fragments almost all the time. It can't be helped.

But then I awoke before daylight, clammy, chest-pounding, sick inside from the dreams I had. I rolled closer to Cory and clamped my eyes shut, but the traces of sorrow and charcoal, leaden guilt tinged the edges of me.

I mumbled, "I will carry this around all day long". I knew I would, I've been down this road so many times before.

So I prayed for relief and a fresh perspective. Blindly, I reached for solace. I drank orange juice that tasted like the sun. My lips were sugar-brushed from the comfort-food cinnamon toast that I had planned before the night, before the dreams. Today was going to be a good day.

Nevermind that the view outside my windows was dripping grey. Nevermind that I subconsciously chose a grey shirt and a brown sweater - the very picture of blah. I had decided half a day ago that today was going to be a good day. I was determined. And it was, for nearly two hours.

My husband works for Congressman Souder, in Indiana's 3rd District. You may have heard the name in the news today.

Another scandal, only this time, we are at the periphery. We are watching it unfold in real life, not on Fox News.

In spite of everything I know about God's supreme sovereignty, I cried behind my bedroom door, phone in hand. I was disappointed. I was scared. I was doubting, and I knew it, and I knew I had to stop.

I feebly tried to ignore the number counter in my brain, ticking away the dollars while we spoke. Subtract. Subtract. Subtract. I was thinking of my own job, a recent victim of the political machine. I was thinking of mortgage payments and health insurance.

I opened my Bible right in the middle and through my grief I was instructed to sing and to praise.

The kids and I piled into the pinkish car and I heard Calvin sing, "Let the waters rise if You want them to. I will follow You. I will follow You."

I have been singing that song every moment since.

I am heartsick for every person who is affected by this - there are many. I feel compassion for Congressman Souder and for his family. This is why we do not put our trust in men. They will fail us every time. I will fail you every time. I pray for redemption and I know for sure that it awaits those who seek.

As for us? It looks as though God has upgraded his notifications with yellow highlighter atop red Sharpie. Do you remember me saying that change was coming? That I could feel it in my bones?

It's here.