Monday, March 1, 2010

Today

It's the strangest feeling, suffering from afar, on someone else's behalf.

I have felt out of sorts all day long. A bit on the schizophrenic side.

This morning, in the time it took to walk from my bed to the kitchen, I had forgotten. I rounded the corner and looked out the kitchen window, which overlooks a vast, empty, Winter-dreary field. The way the sun chose not to radiate in the grey sky is all it took to snap me back into real life.

The grey sky suited me just fine. Today is not a day for sunshine. I felt like pulling on an all-grey outfit and climbing back into an all-grey bed. I wondered if Ben and Trisha had one tiny moment where they woke from sleep and had forgotten. I wondered if they even slept at all.

And then, the sun came out. It warmed to 44 degrees and the snow showed signs of retreating. By mid-day, it sat in slushy, scattered piles, with expanses of green in between. Green. I've been waiting so long.

But today is not a day for green.

Even so, God's creation and His gift of warmth found a crack in me and slipped inside when I wasn't paying attention. I got out a bit, ran some errands, reveled in the teeny, tiny sunbeams on my cheeks.

And as one radio song led into the next, my eyes would fill up again, without warning.

I'm hoping that our river of tears will wind back around and flood their souls.

I'm praying that our cries, born out of love and concern, will serve a purpose greater than personal sorrow. I'm praying that they will somehow soak into their hearts and sustain them through the coming days. I'm so aware that my own grief, in time, will begin to soften and blur a bit, while theirs will take up permanent residence.

Wash over them, Jesus.


*****


From Ben's facebook tonight:
"I have never felt and seen so much love. Seeing love like this has to be similar to looking into the face of the One who knew before the beginning. Thank you all for everything. Isaiah 40:29......He is letting you lift us up to him and I love you
."

That is faith.