Monday, March 1, 2010

Today

It's the strangest feeling, suffering from afar, on someone else's behalf.

I have felt out of sorts all day long. A bit on the schizophrenic side.

This morning, in the time it took to walk from my bed to the kitchen, I had forgotten. I rounded the corner and looked out the kitchen window, which overlooks a vast, empty, Winter-dreary field. The way the sun chose not to radiate in the grey sky is all it took to snap me back into real life.

The grey sky suited me just fine. Today is not a day for sunshine. I felt like pulling on an all-grey outfit and climbing back into an all-grey bed. I wondered if Ben and Trisha had one tiny moment where they woke from sleep and had forgotten. I wondered if they even slept at all.

And then, the sun came out. It warmed to 44 degrees and the snow showed signs of retreating. By mid-day, it sat in slushy, scattered piles, with expanses of green in between. Green. I've been waiting so long.

But today is not a day for green.

Even so, God's creation and His gift of warmth found a crack in me and slipped inside when I wasn't paying attention. I got out a bit, ran some errands, reveled in the teeny, tiny sunbeams on my cheeks.

And as one radio song led into the next, my eyes would fill up again, without warning.

I'm hoping that our river of tears will wind back around and flood their souls.

I'm praying that our cries, born out of love and concern, will serve a purpose greater than personal sorrow. I'm praying that they will somehow soak into their hearts and sustain them through the coming days. I'm so aware that my own grief, in time, will begin to soften and blur a bit, while theirs will take up permanent residence.

Wash over them, Jesus.


*****


From Ben's facebook tonight:
"I have never felt and seen so much love. Seeing love like this has to be similar to looking into the face of the One who knew before the beginning. Thank you all for everything. Isaiah 40:29......He is letting you lift us up to him and I love you
."

That is faith.

43 comments:

  1. Amen!
    I just can't imagine how they must be feeling or you either.
    My heart hurts for all of you.
    May each of you let your precious faith carry you through.
    Praying...

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  2. I am so sorry for your families loss. We will keep them in our prayers.

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  3. oh my.....i just read your previous post and this one.....i am so sorry and sad......so so sorry. i am going to pray for ben and trisha....their precious children.....for you and all your family. this is tough. i wish i could give you a hug.

    i care. i really do.

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  4. Just know Shannan we are all praying for you and your family. I have told other members of my family to pray for Ben & Trisha and all of your family.
    My heart has ached for all of you today. I can't imagine. Hopefully our prayers will reach them & offer them some kind of comfort at this time.
    Take Care,
    Maria

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  5. A few times today this family crossed my mind and I just silently prayed...not knowing what for, but that God would know.

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  6. I went to church and lit a candle for your family and trish and ben! What faith is true! GOD HOLD THEM WITH YOU! There are no words..Iam sooo sorry for your loss! ~lulu

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  7. Such a beautiful post. I have had your family in my thoughts and prayers all day.

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  8. Words can not express my sorrow for you and your family.
    Lately, things have been crazy here in NH for many reasons ~ but none quite as heavy as this.
    Mother nature and God above have tested us so much as of late.
    Sounds like it has been a similar situation for you.
    Looking forward to the storm passing by all of us soon...
    ~Andrea in NH

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  9. I am sorry for your loss. You will in my prayers.

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss. will pray for you and the family. god bless you all.

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  11. Wow, I am heartbroken reading of this loss. I will lift up the family in prayer and ask that God's peace be with you all during this time. I have had the unfortunate experience of watching several friends grieve the loss of a child and all I can say is that I am always amazed at God's grace...grace that sustains them and gives them strength to walk a path they never wanted to walk. Only He can offer peace in a time like this and that is what we will pray for.

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  12. I am sure that you and your cousin's family are being watched over and held safe in His hands. Hopefully there will be more sunshine in the days to come.

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  13. How will they know us as His disciples...by our love!
    Prayers from Poland!
    hugs,
    Rhonda

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  14. I cannot find the words to say how sorry I am for your family's loss. It saddens my heart so deeply when a child is taken away from this world. I cannot think of anything worse. I saw the pain and suffering of my sister in law when she lost her little girl on Christmas day when she was only 4. That was 22 years ago but I remember the day we got the call as if it were yesterday. I will pray to God to give you all the strength to carry on, especially to Ben and Trisha. Take care, Maryann

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  15. my continued prayers to you all and i'm so sorry...what Ben wrote gave me chills...that is faith!

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  16. perspective comes around when we least expect it. Thanks for sharing this, as unwelcome as this loss is. I am uplifted by his faith. By yours. You described the picture of how we share in loved one's loss beautifully, a visual of how life goes on, even after a devastating blow like this. thoughts, prayers, love...

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  17. Somehow I missed your post from Sunday, and I'm so sorry, because I could have been praying since then. But it appears that plenty of others have been praying. God will hold you and your family through this time. He is comfort and peace itself, so rest in those arms! Blessings, Becky

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  18. Shannan I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm continuing to hold you all up before Jesus.

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  19. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles: they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. IS 40:31 Lifting your family up in prayer.xoxo

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  20. My sincerest condolences to you and your family on your loss. Words fail me so please know all are in my thoughts and prayers.

    God bless all of you always...

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  21. Oh girl I too thought of your family a lot yesterday. I even told my husband about it. God is so faithful to step in and comfort and give us what we need just when we need it. Still praying...

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  22. Shannan, I know your pain and I am praying for everyone involved. I lost a niece 5 years ago in a car accident, and it was the hardest thing to go through. Ever. I still think about her and try to understand what happened and why. Keeping the faith is so hard and times...but that is what gets us through. My thoughts are with you all.... ~mary~

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  23. how heartbreaking. I can't begin to imagine. What a great man to put his trust in the Father who is the only one who can comfort the way this family will continue to need it. Beautifully written. It makes me feel so much...

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  24. What amazing perspective from Ben. That faith will carry them through. So very, very sad. Still praying for you all.

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  25. I'm so sorry about your family's heartbreak. One day at a time and lots of faith!!

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  26. Shan, you know my heart is holding yours. Prayers being offered daily for you and your family. Much love.

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  27. It is always odd how our hearts and minds try to heal and turn away from pain.
    I think it's good. I think sometimes I'd just wallow in it all if I really had my own way.
    Those little reminders of the GOODNESS in life are necessary.
    I'm praying for all the GOODNESS to be DUMPED in gigantic mounds all over this precious family.

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  28. How strong Ben is and how strong his faith in God is! May we all be just as strong for him and for your cousin and whole family.

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  29. I cannot even begin to imagine that pain. I do know we have a big God and we have our hope in Him.

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  30. yes my friend. there is most definitely a God-ordained time to grieve.
    He says so in Ecclesiastes. Even in the midst of our gray days, He is there.

    Mourning is also a Beatitude and promise in Matthew 5..."Blessed are those who mourn for they WILL be comforted."

    Praying that you and your friends feel an overwhelming presence of Jesus.

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  31. I can't imagine that he could write that at this point....incredible! They have been on my mind and in my prayers since I read your post.

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  32. I am so sorry to hear about your cousin's loss. How strong he is to have written that, I cannot even imagine. You are all in my prayers!

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  33. I'm so sorry to hear of your sad news.

    I just read your previous post, and have also been in that position of getting your own life in perspective.

    In particular good friend of ours lost their baby at 9 mo. of age - such a sad story, yet they have remained faitful through the dark days they've been treading since he passed.

    They have a blog in which they use to process their grief - they desire to encourage others through this as well...share it with your cousin if you like:

    http://mourningformicah.blogspot.com/

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  34. So, so sorry to hear your news, Shannan. I'm thinking about you. xo

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  35. There is a song by Sara Groves, it's called Going Home on her CD Conversations. Seek it out, listen to it, you will FEEL it.

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  36. I hurt for them so much and can only imagine how you must feel. I am praying they arrive home tomorrow and have strength to get through the next few days of decisions and sorrow.

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  37. I am so sorry for your loss. You take beautiful photos.

    Kristina
    Sweetfern Handmade

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  38. My heart breaks for you and your family. I will be praying fervently for you all. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  39. crying with you for your family. the loss of a child is something no parent wants to experience. I'm so sorry.
    Prudence

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  40. Praying for all of your family...my heart aches for all of you...and I've found myself hugging my kids a little tighter since reading of this tragedy. Hugs to all of you,
    Julie

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  41. I am so, so sorry for you loss. Devastating. I'll be praying for all of your family.

    ~Keri

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  42. Chills. Tears. Grey. pouty lip and sadness. and yet, hope.

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  43. Oh my word. There are no words to express the deep sadness that my heart feels for your loved ones. I can't imagine the pain. I'm lifting them up as I type. God be with them.

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