Friday, March 19, 2010

Korea III - The Day the Truth Got So Much Harder

5:43 a.m. Who knew Korea would turn me into such a morning person? :)

In 8 hours, we will set off for the airport, headed home.

My son is still sleeping in the other room with his Daddy, where he has miraculously slept all night long. We were told that he goes to bed at 11pm each night, wakes once for a bottle, and rises for the day around 7. Well, that might be true, but most days are not like yesterday.

Yesterday was, for all of us, one of the most emotionally draining days of our lives. I'm thankful that I was somewhat prepared for what it would be like to have Silas handed over from his foster family to us for the last time, but truthfully, nothing and no one could have really prepared me.

Just imagine caring for the sweetest little boy for 18 months. He spends every waking moment with you. He even sleeps with you. Now, imagine letting him go.

Imagine being let go.

We got him back to our room and he was so sad, so angry. He scratched my cheek. He sobbed and wailed until he fell asleep in my arms, too worn out to continue. After an hour or so, he was up again, ready for round 2.

I felt like a kid-napper. I felt mean. He did not want us. He stared at the door and, if we put him down, he ran for the door. He did not want a bottle. The only thing he wanted was something he will never have again.

Let me tell you, this sort of thing can cause doubts to creep in, if you let it. Not the kind of doubts that make you regret this for even a moment, but the kind that make you question if he really is better off with you.

And then you remember the truth - that you were not the one who set this into motion. You couldn't have done it if you had tried. This is so much bigger.

And so you know, yes, this is best for him.

Today, I will feel my heart break a little more as I watch my child grieve all that he has lost. I will do my best to comfort him, but it will not be enough. I will pray for him. I will pray for him. I will hope that he can forgive us, and I will know for sure that he can.

"Praise the Lord, all you nations. Praise him, all you people of the earth. For he loves us with unfailing love; the Lord's faithfulness endures forever."
Psalm 117

81 comments:

  1. My prayers for you all as well... stay strong, your love will prevail!

    Mikal

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  2. I have goosebumps Shannan, all over...strange. God set aside that little boy just for you. I'm praying that God's love will cover over all of you and that those supernatural bonds will come quickly. I'm also praying strength and comfort to come for your frazzled nerves.

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  3. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family (;
    Hugs~Kelly

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  4. Sweet friend...I can't even imagine. Love you and praying for all of you!

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  5. Praying for you guys. This post brought tears to my eyes.

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  6. Praying that on the other side of this, the love that your little boy has for you two, is so much deeper and more precious to him, because of what you are doing!

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  7. You will look back on that day...and know what you did was all for him...all for the best. He is going home to a happy new family and soon he will have a "new normal". Wishing you all a safe trip home...and a happy transition. ~mary~

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  8. I can't even imagine. But I know you will all love him soo much and that he was meant to be your son! My prayers are with you during this time.

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  9. Praying for you friend! This post brought back so many memories, made me tear up a little. :)
    Isn't it strange how in a single day you can feel every emotion possible. One of the hardest yet beautiful days of your life, one you will always remember.
    I'll pray for you all as well as Foster Mom. Also be praying that he sleeps the WHOLE way home. :)
    Can't wait to see pictures of him in your arms.
    Carla

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  10. Praying for you all. Praying Foster Mom will be blessed to share her love with another little one waiting for his/her forever home.

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  11. Love and prayers to your family. Love will conquer all. Safe travels- can't wait to see the little guy. xoxo

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  12. My thoughts are with you both and your new baby. It's bound to be difficult for him and the people who have been caring for him but luckily he is so young that in a very short time he will have settled and you will all start making memories together. I admire you both for all that you do and send you and your newly extended family lots of love and good wishes!
    ~Sam

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  13. Oh Hun
    I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how extremely difficult this must be
    and yet You are clinging to the hope that can only come from the Lord and that is good. Hang in there! We are praying!

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  14. Goosebumps... such strong & emotional words. I'm sure your heart knows that even with as much as he is fighting you guys that soon he will love you even stronger then the fight he is putting up now. You are amazing... to do this 3 times, You truly know that God is with you each step & guideing these wee ones to you. You are one strong mamma!!! I can't wait to hear each step of your awesome journey.

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  15. This has been such a wonderful journey to take with you. Every post has been a reminder that God has a definite plan for each of us. Thank you for letting us sneak a peek as your family grows!

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  16. Wow.. I am thinking of you and praying for you. God did choose you to be his sweet mama. HE is in control and has a plan. Praise Him that He brought Silas to you and you to Him. I am in awe of your journey and am honored you are sharing it with us. honored.

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  17. That was just one day in the rest of his life. As hard as it was for everyone, every day from now on will get better. He will love you dearly soon. God bless you, him and the Foster Mom. Can't wait to see him.

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  18. This is so hard, so very hard. It gets easier for your child. It does. I promise. But it doesn't really ever get easier for you. But then, you never want to be numb to the reality of everything your child has given up, from his birth family to his nationality. I never want to forget. The brokenness of your heart will help his to heal.

    May God wrap his arms around all of you: you and Cory, Calvin and Ruby, Silas, his birth mother and father, his dear foster mother, who will have an empty spot in her house tonight. This is hard. But all of this will bring good, the very best of a bad situation, to your sweet Silas. When all the cards are laid out on the table, you are what is best for him given the hand he was dealt.

    Lily asked me this week, "What did my birth mother name me?" I had to honestly tell her, "i don't know, dear heart." Then she asked me a heart-stopper: "Why did you choose me?" This journey really doesn't get easier, but how blessed, how super lucky I am to be traveling this road with this child. I know you feel the same.

    Love to you and prayers as you make the journey back to Midwest America.
    Jody

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  19. Wow - I can't imagine how drained you must be, but I know that he will love his new family once the dust settles. Whenever you're going through a trial it's often hard to see the light that's just around the corner. I'll be praying for your family in this transition.

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  20. prayers, hugs, love, tears, more prayers.
    praying for the plane ride, for nice folks around you, for nice stewardess, for good take off & landing. praying.

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  21. I'm thinking about you all and can't wait to see pictures of Silas. :)

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  22. done, I just prayed for you and your precious new son. You are such an amazing person, and your son is gaining a wonderful family. Thanks so much for sharing such a beautiful journey with me.

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  23. You dear girl, I cannot even imagine how that must feel. Poor little guy. Everything will be okay, just keep telling yourself this is all in God's plan and anything worth doing is often hard! We are all praying for you and yours.

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  24. Oh you sweet thing! I'm crying for you here. I just knew. As much as I could know, not having been through anything like this. I can't imagine what you all must be going through. And of course there is doubt. I will fall asleep praying for you tonight and will just feel so much better when I know you are all safe and sound at home.

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  25. Oh my. I'm in tears reading this. How hard that must be: for Silas, for the foster parents AND for you both. It is such a tough situation. Wow. I am so sorry.

    I'll be praying for all of you as you transition. SO sad. {Yet, so happy}

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  26. I must admit that the scenario has run through my mind so many times. I don't think I could ever do what Silas' foster mom has done. I'm glad there are people like her to take care of these babies until they're united with their families, but I know I wouldn't be able to let them go. Once you're home with Silas I know he'll adjust and be a happy boy who feels all the love you have to give him. His brother and sister will help so much with the transition. I'll be praying for all of you.

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  27. I am praying for you and your safe return. I am praying for a level of understanding and peace for Silas that only God can give him right now. I am praying for you and Cory that God will give you the strength, peace and wisdom as how to best handle the new transition into your lives... all five of your lives. Have a safe trip home!

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  28. You are amazing...and I am praying for you right now. Praying for peace and sleep for all of you and for sweet Silas' heart to mend in ways that only God can do. This brings back so many memories of our bonding with Izzy...and she's 6 now.
    Hugs to all of you....travel safely back to your family...as you bring your sweet little boy HOME.
    Julie

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  29. Silas is so blessed to have you as parents and Ruby and Calvin as siblings. He will grow and become so MUCH because of your family and the life you'll live with him.

    You have lots of friends with you. Hang on.

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  30. Its amazing how it breaks your heart and at the same time opens up your heart to find what is the best.

    To the best with love
    Kristyn

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  31. I am praying for Silas and praying for you all of the time. I prayed that he would sleep the whole night through. Glad that prayer was answered, sad that it started so rough. :( I'll be praying for you during your travels too and of course as he begins his new life once you arrive home. Love you and can't wait to meet him!

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  32. I feel for you right now. This is the hardest part...but it will pass. I'll say a prayer for you guys, no matter how much you know it is for the best and it is God's will it is still a hard thing to deal with. Prayers and Hugs from someone who has been there before.

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  33. oh.....
    i have never thought of adoption from the standpoint of the little one leaving all they have known. i have always thought of it from the 'new' parents view & all their joy

    i can not imagine the bittersweetness of these days for you
    i'm praying for His hand to gently touch silas & still his little heart to peace
    blessings...

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  34. My daughter was with a foster family until she was 11 months old and was very attached to her foster mother but I consider that a good thing. A real good thing. It means that she had someone to bond with until she joined her family. The same someone to hold her and comfort her when she was tired or sick. The same person to feed her and change her diapers and play with her, day in and day out. I am grateful that she wasn't in an orphanage sharing her caretakers with other babies. Selfish, I know it may sound, but it was a relief. Knowing that she received the best start in her life journey that every child deserves is still a comfort today.

    You are all in our prayers.

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  35. Praying for a safe journey home for you and that Silas sleeps on the plane..a little benadryl helps.

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  36. I will be holding all of you up before the throne of Grace. Grace, that is what we need, and what our Father specializes in. This day didn't came as a surprise to Him and it didn't surprise Him of how little Silas would react. But He KNEW this was His plan for Silas to have a wonderful God ordained family of his own. If He loved us enough to send His only son for us ,He will also take care of every detail of your new little son's needs and fears.Remember," weeping may come for a night but joy comes in the morning!!" Soon, very soon, your blog will be filled with hilarious and heart warming stories of Silas and his two siblings.

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  37. WOW what an emotional day!
    Tears are welling up in my eyes:(
    "Larboring" a child is always full of emotion!
    I will keep Silas and you all in my prayers!

    You are so right.....you were NOT the ones that set this whole thing in motion! And you came to give LOVE~

    I pray you all have a safe flight (don't let the little guy run off). I can't wait to meet him.
    I bet the rest of your kiddos can't wait to meet their new brother!

    Peace and Love,
    Georgiann

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  38. Words can not express my awe..for you...for your experience. I tried NOT to cry but your words are so full of raw emotion...it is so hard to not want to hold your hand or send comforting words to you via some other vehicle than a computer. You inspire me..both as a woman and as a mother.

    e

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  39. what you did is amazing!! god will only bless you.. we need more people like you in the world.. god bless!! and thank you for giving so much..hugs to you and your family.. it will be okay.. only good will come out of this..

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  40. Sis,
    My heart breaks with yours for our new addition, but as you said "God put this into motion" and as He holds the whole world in his hands, he will see your family into completion, one step at a time.

    I'm praying and waiting anxiously for your arrival.
    Love to all
    Auntie Keisha

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  41. Reading that my heart is breaking. Your words Imagine being let go. Oh Shannan you are an amazing woman. Truly amazing. I can't fathom going through this. I think I may be too weak. Silas has such an amazing life ahead of him with Calvin Lee and sweet Ruby awaiting him. I am sending out a prayer for safe travels and peaceful nights and days ahead. You and Cory are amazing! I am inspired by you.

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  42. What a bittersweet time you are going through, Shannan. I really only thought of what a joyful thing it would be for you to meet your son, but of course his whole little world is spinning right now. I will be praying for peace and strength for you and Cory, and an open heart for Silas. And by the time you read this....welcome home.

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  43. Wow, what a roller coaster of emotions you must be feeling. I feel for you. I pray for you. Silas is so lucky to have you and daddy in his life..Together forever..You guys have given him the best gift ever.. FAMILY..I pray for your safe return..~lulu

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  44. sending sweet prayers your way- you are a good soul.

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  45. Love, Love, LOVE - it will cover everything! Let God fill you and re-fill you will His Love and it will naturally overflow to all around you. He will make you ONE.
    Love, Love, LOVE!

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  46. I'm still praying for your each and every moment.

    God bless you!!!

    Julie M.

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  47. Love, hugs and prayers for you, your family, sweet little Silas and his foster mother who had to let him go.

    FlowerLady

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  48. Sending thoughts and prayers your way. May God bless each of you and guide you through each day.

    Silas is a blessing to you and you to him.

    Hugs and Love...

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  49. oh wow, this is so heavy. him scratching you & running to the door especially--that visual says so much. hurts to read it. if grace had been 18 months when she came home with us i can imagine it would have been similar. instead she was 6 mths old and was totally sad and depressed. when i look at pics from when she first came home it is so sad to see her like that (i didn't realize it so much at the time). jose was 3 yrs.old but his personality is so different--he just kept sucking his thumb. it is so hard but so good. knowing that silas IS the son God has for you gives you the strength and resolve to KNOW he is in the best place like you've said--even though it's so hard. thanks for being so real with all of us about the details. no better place for silas to be than in a home that will pray for him the rest of his days in order than his heart heals to wholeness as much as it can this side of heaven...and so he can experience the JOY that awaits him. what a good God we serve. love to you...

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  50. What a bittersweet time indeed. My heart breaks for everyone involved. You, the foster parents, and sweet little Silas. It will be rough hon, but prayer and love will smooth it some. You are a family now. Don't let your heart be troubled Shan.

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  51. This is part of your journey. I often think back on that Kidnaping feeling. I remember feeling... this is my child but it is her baby. That moment for me of taking him out of her arms was one of the most difficult times in my life. And no one ever told me about that part. I pray your sweet baby will begin to find safety and love from you! H

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  52. stay strong. you're a wonderful mother. I'm just so impressed. and one day soon he will love you as his mother.

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  53. I as in awe of all the beautiful and lovely friends that are surrounding you with prayers and love. Thank you all for supporting us during this life changing time.

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  54. Praying for strength for you and your husband, courage for your new little guy to face a new life, and comfort for all involved.

    -FringeGirl

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  55. My prayers are with you, Cory and Silas as he makes this huge transition. I am believing it will be easier even once you are home and he sees Calvin and Ruby. Hang in there!

    Sami G.

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  56. Know that you are in so many peoples thoughts and prayers. My soul also longs to adopt. We have 4 bio kids, 8,6,3,and 2. If finances were different I'd adopt a fifth. You are answering God's call, bless you all!

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  57. You and Silas are in my prayers. Stay strong and keep your faith in God.

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  58. I've been reading your blog for a while (found it through The Inspired Room Friday link things a long time ago). I haven't ever commented, but I have to now. This is incredible. I am so grateful for these posts you have been doing. They're so honest. And so raw. I feel my heart jumping out of my throat as you're describing what must have been one of the hardest nights that little boy will ever have. You and your husband and Silas, as well as that loving foster mom, are in our prayers...I can't stop thinking about you all.

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  59. I'm saying a prayer for you tonight.
    It will be so fun to see pictures and hear your stories as little Silas settles into your family.
    Congratulations, and God Bless!
    Jill

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  60. Let me start by saying that the two of you are AMAZING parents! Although little Silas is going through an undoubtedly difficult time, there will come a day, very soon, that he will feel complete security, love and comfort in your arms. May God bless all of you on your journey home.
    Love and prayers - Timi

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  61. Safe journey home to you all---may you travel in a divine bubble of peace, calm, and love.
    annie
    p.s.
    He's already beginning to love and trust you, he just hasn't realized it yet.

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  62. Shannan....I'm sorry you had/have to go through that. My heart is broke for you, Silas and his foster mother. I had Court read this blog and he said that I shouldn't complain about labor because what you're going through is much harder. As hard as it is, I think it is better that he shows emotion than just being numb to whatever happens. You are such a good mommy and he is very lucky to have you and Cory! I pray for you on and off throughout the day, whenever God brings you to mind. I remember some of the difficulties Jody went through and I am praying that his bond with you is quick and deep. It's ok if you have to tell family and friends that they can't hold him for a few weeks or months. (And I sure would like to smooch those cute cheeks!---do you see where Corbin gets the cheek fetish?)
    I pray things get easier soon.
    xoxo Jamie

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  63. Safe travels, my friend, to you and yours. Can't wait to meet your new litte fella. Praying for you...xo

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  64. I can only imagine! Praying that he will find joy in his new life quickly! At his age kids do bounce back... they do forget... try to remember that while he is adjusting... he will find a huge place in his heart for you after he has felt the love you have for him ... he will! =)

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  65. wow! 1st, i am envious how short your trip is!! i thought i'd hang myself after over 2 weeks in china:) lol

    i can't imagine how much harder it is for the foster care transistion. i really, really had a huge amount of guilt when i was leaving china and questioning if i was doing the right thing to take her from what she knew and what her culture and language were. however, i KNEW that it was God orchestrated. i don't think you can have a faith and look back on an adoption and not believe that.

    God bless...hang in there. oh what a difference a year makes.

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  66. My friend,

    I have worked with so many people who adopt and who are without children and wanting them. I have facilitated adoptions and watched birth moms "hand over" babies to women they knew would be better equipped to care for them. The words you have written about your experience are PROFOUND. I know that for now they are intensely personal but can I encourage you? Continue to write these words now as they come to the page but later share them with a publisher? These are thoughts which were meant to be shared. You have a powerful voice.

    I was touched today by how God must view us in much the same way you view little Silas. He knows what is better for us and yet it must often break his heart what we go through. He waits through our pain, hoping that one day we will really feel like we are HIS!

    I lift you today in prayer. God is surely with you.
    Hugs,
    Rhonda

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  67. Today I am praying for God to send to you and yours the very things that you are in need of today. I don't know what they are, He does. He will not leave you, He sees you, He loves you. You are this boys momma, may God give you love and strength that he needs from you today. From one momma to another, thinking of you on this day...saying a multitude of prayers throughout this day for you and your family of five.

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  68. I don't know you guys personally, but I've learned you are strong people...and I'm praying for you and Silas. He will learn eventually that sometimes our lives seem so completely thrown into turmoil when actually God is turning everything around for the better. He's too little to know that, but as his parents you have to believe that for him, and you do. God bless.

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  69. "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, olans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

    He knew way before you how it was going to come together for you and Silas.

    Enjoy your boy!

    Cindy

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  70. Shannan -
    I've been thinking of you and praying for you all weekend. You are so brave and such a clear thinker. I am in awe of your courage.
    MW

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  71. You and Cory, and Silas have been a constant prayer on my mind this week. When he sees his siblings, and he gets the love and attention that children,(and parents,)give so naturally, his little heart will know that he belongs! ♥♥♥
    Each day will get better! Believe it!
    God bless ~
    Marcele

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  72. Dear Shannan,
    There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of you and your family. You have me in tears. You are so awesome, you are doing the best thing in the world for this little guy. He now has a mother and father. What a gift you are giving him! I am praying for you!
    Take Care,
    Maria

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  73. Shannan, I know your hands are busy and your days (and nights) are full, but just wanted to let you know you've been on my heart and in my prayers! Don't forget to take a moment or two for you (to catch your breath) when you can! Becky

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  74. praying for you! Providence. i am just sure that God has planned the whens and wheres and hows already for your new son. it is amazing that He found you guys just for him. just found your blog, it is so inspiring. my husband and i are interested in adoption, would you mind sharing your agency or contacts sometime? thanks! God bless! Vanessa (speechgirl80@yahoo.com)

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  75. I cannot imagine really...just with your words...I am so sorry...but it is much bigger...you are absolutely right...you are a great mother!!! And Silas was meant for you and your hubby:)

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  76. Oh Shannan,I cannot imagine what you are going through, so hard yet so rewarding and you are right you are not the ones who set this in motion...he will be ok, he will give him time and love and he will find his way back into your arms. if you need anything just let me know I am here, I am a good listener too! :)

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  77. Praying that Silas gets comfortable with you both very soon. I feel your burden.
    This post brought so many emotions up from my heart and I sobbed as I read it.
    I felt the exact same way about adopting our daughter that you feel. I knew without a doubt that it was God's plan, not ours but it almost killed me to see my precious child in such deep mourning. She was the opposite of Silas, she was almost comatose. She did not respond to anything. She just cried and when she wasn't crying she had a blank stare in her eyes. Our guide told us she was by far the worst case he had seen. He said she was devastated. And I will never forget sending her and her Daddy out of the hotel room so I could get serious with the Lord about it all. I got in the shower and I let it all out and reminded Him that he was the One who brought us to China to bring this precious child home and He had to fix it all because I felt like I should give her back. I didn't want to see or face her heartbreak, it was too painful. I asked my husband if we should give her back because I couldn't take the pain of her broken heart. He said of course we aren't giving her back, she is our daughter! I knew this, but I was desparate to make her happy. Wow, what a journey.

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  78. I've been there in that hotel room also...desperate for my little girl to recognize the face of love- mine. It is heartbreaking- no way around it. God does hold all of you in His great big hands. He has done for all of your little boy's life. It is amazing to know that God provided love for him, an answer to his cries, arms to comfort, tangible love that held his heart open for the love that you had not yet gotten a chance to give him face to face.

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  79. I was just introduced to your blog by Carrie at With All That I've Been Given and I'm SO glad!!
    It appears that the very same day you took custody of this little one and we were taking custody of our newest little one, he is 2, in Ethiopia. He is two and your experience so closely reflects ours, the guilt I felt as he grieved for all that he knew was very overwhelming.

    I look forward to readiing more of your journey as I skim through the archives, as it looks like we're walking a similar journey for now.

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  80. Dear Shannan, I am not sure you will ever read this message, because this post is old and I know how many comments you get every single day. However, I recently stumbled upon your blog and fell in love with your kitchen (haha!), and have been reading back about you and your precious family little by little. Today during my lunch break at work, I began reading specifically your adoption posts and wanted to share something with you. I am 28 years old, the oldest of three girls adopted from India by a single mother who desperately wanted children. My sisters and I are not blood related, but we are sisters, certainly. My middle sister is most like your Silas - I can still remember her throwing herself on the floor of the supermarket screaming "you're not my real mom" when she was 3, 4, and 5. She had a baby when she was in high school, whom she named after her birth mother, despite my mom being the one on in the delivery room with her. My sister has never been easy, not for very long stretches. She struggled to make friends, struggled to read and do math, she still struggles to figure out her place in the world. I tell you this not to say that things will never get better, but to encourage you that I have been part of your type of family, and would not trade it for a moment. Despite the struggles, the hard days that we still have, my family is uniquely mine. My sisters and I are bonded by the fact that we were chosen and remained bonded because our mom loved and wanted us so much. We are bonded by the hard days and the good days, even still. You are giving your children a life and a chance beyond measure - thank you for sharing your story with all of us. xoxo, Bekka (rebekkawise@gmail.com)

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