Friday, March 19, 2010

Korea III - The Day the Truth Got So Much Harder

5:43 a.m. Who knew Korea would turn me into such a morning person? :)

In 8 hours, we will set off for the airport, headed home.

My son is still sleeping in the other room with his Daddy, where he has miraculously slept all night long. We were told that he goes to bed at 11pm each night, wakes once for a bottle, and rises for the day around 7. Well, that might be true, but most days are not like yesterday.

Yesterday was, for all of us, one of the most emotionally draining days of our lives. I'm thankful that I was somewhat prepared for what it would be like to have Silas handed over from his foster family to us for the last time, but truthfully, nothing and no one could have really prepared me.

Just imagine caring for the sweetest little boy for 18 months. He spends every waking moment with you. He even sleeps with you. Now, imagine letting him go.

Imagine being let go.

We got him back to our room and he was so sad, so angry. He scratched my cheek. He sobbed and wailed until he fell asleep in my arms, too worn out to continue. After an hour or so, he was up again, ready for round 2.

I felt like a kid-napper. I felt mean. He did not want us. He stared at the door and, if we put him down, he ran for the door. He did not want a bottle. The only thing he wanted was something he will never have again.

Let me tell you, this sort of thing can cause doubts to creep in, if you let it. Not the kind of doubts that make you regret this for even a moment, but the kind that make you question if he really is better off with you.

And then you remember the truth - that you were not the one who set this into motion. You couldn't have done it if you had tried. This is so much bigger.

And so you know, yes, this is best for him.

Today, I will feel my heart break a little more as I watch my child grieve all that he has lost. I will do my best to comfort him, but it will not be enough. I will pray for him. I will pray for him. I will hope that he can forgive us, and I will know for sure that he can.

"Praise the Lord, all you nations. Praise him, all you people of the earth. For he loves us with unfailing love; the Lord's faithfulness endures forever."
Psalm 117