Sunday, November 15, 2009

PMS Proof

You want proof? Oh, I'll give you proof.

(And yes, male readers, you are officially excused. All 3 of you.)

1. Last night, I was determined to finish The Promised World, even though I still wasn't particularly fond of it. (I was past the half-way marker, and you know how that can be.) Around 12:30 a.m. I became so overwrought with jittery nervousness about the lives of the main characters that I couldn't bear to finish and I had to fall asleep holding Cory's hand.

2. I considered wearing sweatpants to church this morning, but opted at the last moment for sweater tights under a skirt. Same diff. (PMS may make me a tad erratic, but at least it knows better than to mess with my half-baked fashion sense.)

3. I made Kraft macaroni and cheese and hot dogs for lunch. And I liked it.

4. I attempted a nap and though I didn't actually sleep, I also didn't move a muscle. It felt so good to be still and cozy - I didn't even notice that my earlobe was bent backwards. (Does that ever happen to you?)

5. Mundane events following my fitful non-nap caused me to disintegrate into a blubbering heap of despair, which alarmed my kids, who are not at all used to seeing me cry.

6. Soon thereafter, I was engaged in a a post-disciplinary chat with Calvin. He gave his typical apology then paused and reached behind him, pulling "Squidy" (a Beanie Baby squid) out from under his pillow. He handed it to me saying, "Here. This is for you. You can sleep with him tonight." I composed myself long enough to ask him why (he has never done this before...) and he replied, "Because he's very special. I want you to sleep with him tonight. He's filled with my love." I. Lost. It.

7. For dessert tonight I had a slice of apple pie and a slice of peach. And a cookie.

8. I am having trouble typing right now because the keys are covered in greasy salt from the chips and salsa I just inhaled - at 10 pm. (Although let's be honest, this isn't necessarily PMS-related.)

9. I have felt haunted all day by a brochure I spied pre-wart freezing. It said something to the effect of "Parentheses have a place - but it's not on your face." First of all, I am a girl who loves parentheses (you didn't know?) so the comparison was not lost on me. Second, the parentheses on my face beg to differ. They are happy as a pair of clams and appear to have no inclination to head for greener pastures anytime soon. I never gave it much thought until....now. Aren't I too young for wrinkles? Should I adopt the plucky attitude that at least they're smile lines and not frown furrows? What if I happen to have both? What would that hypothetical scenario indicate about my general disposition and psyche?

10. I just answered an email to a dear friend using only a semi-popular game show phrase. She probably thinks I'm nutso. She probably didn't even get it. I wouldn't have. Scarier still - I didn't plan it. It just came out and then I hit send. Sorry, Jess. It's not really me. It's the PMS talking.

11. I am so sleepy right now but it seems like way too much work to pick myself up off the couch. Plus, there's the teeth brushing. And the face washing. And I'll be honest, the face washing always annoys me, especially in the cold months. I don't want to splash water on my face right before bed. Water splashing is not relaxing or soothing. It is jarring and bracing. It perks me up, when I don't wanna be perked.

12. I am supposed to get groceries for the week tomorrow and I think it might be a terrible idea. So far, the only items on the list are chocolate cream pie, green tea, guacamole fixins and a jar of banana peppers.

13. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

25 comments:

  1. Ok, you are killin' me with the carmel apples! I just got out of my super cozy bed with my incredibly comfortable down comforter to see what was going on in blogland tonight. And now I want dessert. I'm coming over...get me a slice of that peach pie....and one of apple and that cookie...and can I have a little ice cream on top, too??? Sorry. I'm suffering from a little PMS myself. ;o) ~mary~

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  2. I'm right there with ya sister! Do you know how much chocolate and Midol I have consumed this week? And don't even get me started on my french fry and carbs intake.

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  3. Ahhh heavens to Betty....it sounds like tomorrow is gonna be a good day for a GREAT day!!

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  4. Thank you. Thank you very much! I have been good ALL DAY (after eating pretty much only mint truffle Hershey's Kisses and pepparkakor cookies yesterday! All right, I can deal and tell you that the squid scene sounded amazing! What a sweet story! What else...oh yeah...I have some left over gelatinous chocolate cream pie in my fridge.

    Yum..it wasn't.

    I hope your week is swell!

    : )

    Julie M.

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  5. That is so funny! I too consume about 3000 calories worth of sugar during the wonderous time...:)

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  6. Add some Nutella (have you heard of it?) to your grocery list and all will be well.

    PS. I don't like washing my face (in the winter) before bed either.

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  7. you're a pms-er? huh. what's with all the food? i am curious about the cookies & the blueberry dish. you're going to have to supply more info:)

    love calvin's comments about his squid.
    l o v e it.

    i almost never wash my face at night. i know, it's sorta gross, but i almost never wear makeup & truthfully, it has served me well so far:)

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  8. I am drooling over every single food picture you posted. Seriously, that blueberry beauty... what is that? I couldn't understand why I have been so grouchy and ate almost all of the pan of cinnamon rolls yesterday before church. In church, as i was thinking about In N Out burger lunch, I figured it out. So glad I am not the only one! :)

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  9. I started crying when I read what Calvin said to you too, what a sweetie.

    The carmel apples, I want one :)

    And I always love the idea of wearing pajamas anywhere...as you could probably tell my outfit yesterday - there was no diff ;)

    Hope that today is a better day!! Love you!

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  10. No, pms for me in the near future...just exhaustion,food cravings,hips that pop out of joint, swollen ankles(not to mention belly),crying over laundry soap commercials....maybe pregnancy is just 9 months of pms!

    I love Calvin---so does Corbin.

    Love your posts!!
    ~~Jamie

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  11. Ahh I missed you girl! Very funny :) I loved your #6 about Calvin and Squidy...PMS or not, I would cry at that!!

    Oh, and I've been known to eat an entire box of Girl Scout cookies during a PMS "episode!"

    :) T

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  12. Ah well. This too shall pass. (Unfortunately by then you are old. Like me. Age is not a million laughs either. Enjoy your PMS.)

    What a darling boy Calvin must be to be so tuned in to his mother.

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  13. Thanks for brightening my day and making me giggle! That was an absolutely precious comment of Calvin's. I would have lost.it.too. :)

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  14. Oh girl I can relate. I am the PMS monster woman. It comes at ovulation, goes away for maybe 2-3 days and then comes back. So I have maybe 1 1/2 where I am not a crazy, raving, sugar craving, lunatic a month:o

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  15. Lady, you crack me up...and make me hungry. I think I'll have Peach Cobbler for breakfast...is the whole female world PMS-ing this week? It's that universal thing where we're all on the same clock thingy. :) Eat, Sleep, Cry, Re-group...and that kid of yours with the squid!
    Off to re-check my nose. :) Another thing to be PMS angry about.

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  16. Hahaha!! That was me last week.

    Salty. Sweet. Nap. Caffeine. Salty Sweet. Nap. Caffeine. Repeat...

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  17. Oh boy... I feel your pain!! You are so funny. Hope the grocery shop is good anyway... and some fruit makes it's way into the house! lol

    Blessings,
    LMM

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  18. Your pictures are salivatingly good! I am thinking I might stop recommending books to you. I'm sorry you didn't like it. The kiddos are so cute and killer. I love that you are bringing PMS to the forefront of issues women deal with today, perhaps you could sell your story to the likes of Marie Claire and they could take it global for you! ;)

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  19. Oh girl, PMS or not, you are amazingly funny!
    I am still laughing so hard about the sweatpants to church that's I'm finding it difficult to type.

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  20. I'm right there with ya girl! All those yummy food pics are making me wild!!!!

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  21. Gosh but I missed you. Catch up soon, okay?

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  22. what is a banana pepper? I've never heard of it. When I'm pms-ing I always want coke or cherry coke... must be all the sugar! And then nachos, chips and salsa, mexican food... yum! And then I gain 4 lbs in bloating... what fun!

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  23. hahaha perfect timing for me to read this :) Love those caramel apples, I tried making em ONCE and they came out horrible... The caramel all slid down to the bottom and separated. Ewwww!! Lets see I think I found your blog from Jennifer's profile... My internet blog hopping time is my "chill out" time... :)

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  24. There is a new face wash by Biore that has a warming sensation when it mixes with water... you wet your face, dry your hands, then put the cleaner on your hands and rub on your face... that should help for the cold months! :)

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  25. Oh, I love you!

    Have you tried B12? I've been on it for a while and the symptoms are noticeably milder. Mother's little helper!

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