Sunday, November 15, 2009

PMS Proof

You want proof? Oh, I'll give you proof.

(And yes, male readers, you are officially excused. All 3 of you.)

1. Last night, I was determined to finish The Promised World, even though I still wasn't particularly fond of it. (I was past the half-way marker, and you know how that can be.) Around 12:30 a.m. I became so overwrought with jittery nervousness about the lives of the main characters that I couldn't bear to finish and I had to fall asleep holding Cory's hand.

2. I considered wearing sweatpants to church this morning, but opted at the last moment for sweater tights under a skirt. Same diff. (PMS may make me a tad erratic, but at least it knows better than to mess with my half-baked fashion sense.)

3. I made Kraft macaroni and cheese and hot dogs for lunch. And I liked it.

4. I attempted a nap and though I didn't actually sleep, I also didn't move a muscle. It felt so good to be still and cozy - I didn't even notice that my earlobe was bent backwards. (Does that ever happen to you?)

5. Mundane events following my fitful non-nap caused me to disintegrate into a blubbering heap of despair, which alarmed my kids, who are not at all used to seeing me cry.

6. Soon thereafter, I was engaged in a a post-disciplinary chat with Calvin. He gave his typical apology then paused and reached behind him, pulling "Squidy" (a Beanie Baby squid) out from under his pillow. He handed it to me saying, "Here. This is for you. You can sleep with him tonight." I composed myself long enough to ask him why (he has never done this before...) and he replied, "Because he's very special. I want you to sleep with him tonight. He's filled with my love." I. Lost. It.

7. For dessert tonight I had a slice of apple pie and a slice of peach. And a cookie.

8. I am having trouble typing right now because the keys are covered in greasy salt from the chips and salsa I just inhaled - at 10 pm. (Although let's be honest, this isn't necessarily PMS-related.)

9. I have felt haunted all day by a brochure I spied pre-wart freezing. It said something to the effect of "Parentheses have a place - but it's not on your face." First of all, I am a girl who loves parentheses (you didn't know?) so the comparison was not lost on me. Second, the parentheses on my face beg to differ. They are happy as a pair of clams and appear to have no inclination to head for greener pastures anytime soon. I never gave it much thought until....now. Aren't I too young for wrinkles? Should I adopt the plucky attitude that at least they're smile lines and not frown furrows? What if I happen to have both? What would that hypothetical scenario indicate about my general disposition and psyche?

10. I just answered an email to a dear friend using only a semi-popular game show phrase. She probably thinks I'm nutso. She probably didn't even get it. I wouldn't have. Scarier still - I didn't plan it. It just came out and then I hit send. Sorry, Jess. It's not really me. It's the PMS talking.

11. I am so sleepy right now but it seems like way too much work to pick myself up off the couch. Plus, there's the teeth brushing. And the face washing. And I'll be honest, the face washing always annoys me, especially in the cold months. I don't want to splash water on my face right before bed. Water splashing is not relaxing or soothing. It is jarring and bracing. It perks me up, when I don't wanna be perked.

12. I am supposed to get groceries for the week tomorrow and I think it might be a terrible idea. So far, the only items on the list are chocolate cream pie, green tea, guacamole fixins and a jar of banana peppers.

13. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz