Sunday, September 27, 2009

A Nose Job By Any Other Name

You might as well just come out with it. I know you're all clamoring to hear more about this big Nose Job of mine. I've received inquiries from lands both far and near, so it's time to set the record straight.

Let's start at the very beginning... A very good place to start.

We'll call this "Before - Exhibit A". Earlier this Summer, Cory saw fit to randomly photograph me carrying a bowl of beans in from the garden. (It looks like my secret is officially out - I do not wear make up whilst gardening.) After an unsuccessful attempt at putting him in time out, I regained the wherewithal to realize that this shot was perfect for the pre-nose job file.

Look real close - see how my left nostril leans decidedly down-hill?

This is probably as good a time as any to clarify, once and for all, that the purpose of my surgical endeavor had absolutely nothing to do with the aesthetics or general alignment and balance of my face and/or nose. However, as I told you previously, I collect silver linings. It didn't take me long to realize that the interior realignment of my septum would result in a marginal outward alignment. That at least counts as a silver-plated lining.

The big day came. Dr. M willfully avoided me in pre-op due to the fact that I had plum worn him out with my incessant questions and hypotheticals. The nurse blew my vein. I had a last-second relapse of anesthesia anxiety originally dating back to 1992.

The next thing I knew, I overheard one nurse tell another, "She's really having a hard time coming out of anesthesia." I could hear them talking about me, I could hear them imploring me to open my eyes and sit up and rejoin the world at large. But, I Could. Not. Open. My. Eyes.

Male Nurse Cory got me safely home and took fantastic care of me over the next six days, but I in no way felt relaxed or pampered. Rather, I felt ill and stuffy and nasty.

Every now and then I mustered the strength of will to eke out a little smile.

The upside: My clean-as-a-whistle sinuses and my straight-as-an-arrow septum, a.k.a., my Brand New Nose.

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00446/Latoya_280_446195a.jpg

What do you think?! I went ahead and ordered some Jessica Simpson hair extensions, for a little extra punch. And some Victoria Beckham shades.

OK, fine. Sheesh. Take a joke. Latoya's still fair game, isn't she? Here I am, healed up and back from a hard morning's work at Allegan Antiques Market. (More about that tomorrow.) Do you still recognize me? Be honest.

And to make things fair, here's a shot taken just yesterday, by my favorite photographer. Once again, an out-take, but it yields perfect up-the-noseage. My nostrils are slightly more symmetrical. Lefty has shaped up a bit.

Oh, and I can now actually breathe out of my right nostril, which was probably the whole point of this entire blasted thing.

34 comments:

  1. This post is completely made of win...I think this is probably my all-time favorite blog post by any blogger EVER. You are so freakin' funny! I talk a good game about keepin' it real, but girl, you're the real deal. No vanity to be found here! And you look just beautiful, but then I thought you looked lovely before. I suppose there is something to be said for breathing properly, though.
    :-)
    Anne

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh yaaaaa, I can definitely tell!! By the way, I never noticed that in any of the previous pictures I've ever seen of you. But then again, I guess I don't typically stare at people's noses. But it looks REALLY good!!

    I ♥ that last picture of you, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Girl, you are funny, funny (and quite lovely sans make-up--no fair). I think your nose looks GREAT! So glad your post-op care by hub-nurse was satisfactory.

    Latoya is absolutely fair game, btw---good grief, what HAPPENED THERE?!
    ox
    L

    ReplyDelete
  4. You look FAB.! So glad you recovered well, How on earth did you do that with two little ones? :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are so pretty! Your nose could fall plum off your face and you'd still be a looker. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I almost choked on my toast while reading your post today. Thanks for the humor. Love the direction your nostril is now going. You have always been a beauty! Lori

    ReplyDelete
  7. Throwing in the pic of LaToya..classic lol. That poor family and their nose jobs. Thanks for the good laugh this morning...it's a perfect way to start off a Monday.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The nose looks fantastic and I'm glad you can breathe out of your right nostril again...that has to be a huge plus! Glad you are coming along and feeling better :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Because of your love of all things Halloween, please accept this official update as to the shopping days remaining until Halloween. 33.

    this has been your official shopping days left until Halloween update.

    ReplyDelete
  10. i don't think i even realized that this surgery would even affect you looks-wise? that shows how observant i am;) i just hope that all your sinus troubles will now be gone!

    i didn't see you yesterday...where you out shopping?!

    ReplyDelete
  11. you look great! and glad you are feeling better! what a sweet hubby you have!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Loved that picture of Latoya...you scared me for a split second:) You look great. The difference is very subtle and you still look like you. Which is what would be my biggest fear if I had a nose job. I'm sure you can breathe a whole lot easier too. Bet you are glad that's over!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Goodness, you are funny! I am glad that everything went ok, and you finally opened your eyes...your nose looks perfect, not that it didn't before, but now you can breath, so that makes it all the worth while! thanks for sharing~ you are gorgeous!

    ReplyDelete
  14. O.k. Latoya had me on the floor laughing which is awkward to explain since I'm at work. Mmm Hmmm. . .

    Never noticed the nostril "lean" before but I'm happy that you can breathe again. :)

    And wait a minute, you were SHOPPING yesterday?? When I saw Cory alone with the kids at church I assumed you were still recovering and said a quick prayer. Humph. . . Shopping?? Really?? And here I was feeling SORRY for you. lol. (really, I'm just teasing, I'm very happy you were feeling good enough to get out, I was worried!)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Good to know that you can breathe well and have recovered nicely! I'm sure the antiques market was required therapy, right? It would certainly make me feel better!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Allegan? Yesterday? I don't recall getting a phone call. ;)
    So glad you're better! And still as beautiful as ever!

    ReplyDelete
  17. So glad the surgery was a success and that you have healed quickly!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Love your honesty! Love the hair extensions! Your so funny! Stop by for a visit sometime!
    Michelle

    ReplyDelete
  19. Shan- I have always thought you were beautiful and never EVER noticed your nostril! Even in the "waking-up-from-surgery" photo, you looked wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  20. You are one beautiful girl! Inside and out!
    Brenda

    ReplyDelete
  21. Very suttle. Kudos to your doc. Glad you are doing better. Traci

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks for stopping by to see us at Allegan yesterday. We love seeing you new nose and all.

    ReplyDelete
  23. There, now doesn't it feel good to come clean?

    ReplyDelete
  24. I have no idea why I am being called 6pooe54ee139dd8833. I have nothing to hide.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank goodness, you scared me with that LaToya thing!

    ReplyDelete
  26. You look fab my dear, but the real beauty of this nose job is all the great blogging material it has supplied you! Pretty cool!!

    :) T

    ReplyDelete
  27. Well, I had the same thing done almost 20 years ago, and didn't get the cute nose you have now! But yours was cute before. You'll be so glad you did it - and wasn't it nice to rest for awhile and let people take care of you for a bit...
    I'm glad you stopped by, hope you'll come for another visit real soon,
    XO
    Heidi - Heart and Home

    ReplyDelete
  28. You look great! really the same! You'll feel so much better now!

    ReplyDelete
  29. my what a lovely nostril ... to go with a beautiful face :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. This post was so funny! Glad it went well. I just found out that I might need to have jaw surgery. Fun! I am so nervous! The up side is that if I do it, I will probably loose 10 lbs, because there is no way I am going to eat blended up steak and potatoes or baby food. I would starve before that would happen!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I need to talk to The Flying Bee about her jaw surgery! Yikes! I feel we are in the same boat,so to speak. In other news, nose job or no nose job, I still love you. And am super glad that it didn't turn out to be a Jennifer Grey nose job sorta debacle b/c that would be really strange.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I just read Brooke's blog about Allegan and started brewing...and Now I see you were there too!!!! I dare Anyone to ask me right now if I like my job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Side note...I am IN LOVE with your green/gray striped sweater. My 2 absolute favorite colors in one sweater.
    And the nose, well, you were perfect to begin with! Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Way to go! You look fantastic with your new nose. I think this is also a good reminder for everyone that a nose job isn't just about the aesthetics but over-all health, too. Hehe! My sister is having some nasal problems since she moved back in Los Angeles so I think she also needs some procedure.

    That LaToya joke really gave me a good laugh. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete