Sunday, September 27, 2009

A Nose Job By Any Other Name

You might as well just come out with it. I know you're all clamoring to hear more about this big Nose Job of mine. I've received inquiries from lands both far and near, so it's time to set the record straight.

Let's start at the very beginning... A very good place to start.

We'll call this "Before - Exhibit A". Earlier this Summer, Cory saw fit to randomly photograph me carrying a bowl of beans in from the garden. (It looks like my secret is officially out - I do not wear make up whilst gardening.) After an unsuccessful attempt at putting him in time out, I regained the wherewithal to realize that this shot was perfect for the pre-nose job file.

Look real close - see how my left nostril leans decidedly down-hill?

This is probably as good a time as any to clarify, once and for all, that the purpose of my surgical endeavor had absolutely nothing to do with the aesthetics or general alignment and balance of my face and/or nose. However, as I told you previously, I collect silver linings. It didn't take me long to realize that the interior realignment of my septum would result in a marginal outward alignment. That at least counts as a silver-plated lining.

The big day came. Dr. M willfully avoided me in pre-op due to the fact that I had plum worn him out with my incessant questions and hypotheticals. The nurse blew my vein. I had a last-second relapse of anesthesia anxiety originally dating back to 1992.

The next thing I knew, I overheard one nurse tell another, "She's really having a hard time coming out of anesthesia." I could hear them talking about me, I could hear them imploring me to open my eyes and sit up and rejoin the world at large. But, I Could. Not. Open. My. Eyes.

Male Nurse Cory got me safely home and took fantastic care of me over the next six days, but I in no way felt relaxed or pampered. Rather, I felt ill and stuffy and nasty.

Every now and then I mustered the strength of will to eke out a little smile.

The upside: My clean-as-a-whistle sinuses and my straight-as-an-arrow septum, a.k.a., my Brand New Nose.

What do you think?! I went ahead and ordered some Jessica Simpson hair extensions, for a little extra punch. And some Victoria Beckham shades.

OK, fine. Sheesh. Take a joke. Latoya's still fair game, isn't she? Here I am, healed up and back from a hard morning's work at Allegan Antiques Market. (More about that tomorrow.) Do you still recognize me? Be honest.

And to make things fair, here's a shot taken just yesterday, by my favorite photographer. Once again, an out-take, but it yields perfect up-the-noseage. My nostrils are slightly more symmetrical. Lefty has shaped up a bit.

Oh, and I can now actually breathe out of my right nostril, which was probably the whole point of this entire blasted thing.